Hit the Road, Jack

I was sitting here trying to remember what I wanted to talk about and then this annoying song that’s been stuck in my head started playing again. It’s been playing in my head over and over, even during my sleep. Jesus Christ, that’s just way too much brain activity. I’m a blonde, I’m not supposed to have that much brain activity!

The song is “I Can’t Feel My Face” by The Weeknd… or, whatever the hell the title of that song is. It’s about his love affair with cocaine, in case you didn’t get that by the lyrics, which I have mixed feelings about quite frankly; they’re playing a song that’s catchy, but glorifies drug use. I’m certainly not innocent, I had my own love affair with cocaine back in the Eighties… I used to pack my face with the stuff every Weeknd.

God, that was a lot of fun!

Well, it was fun and games, but after awhile you get to a point where you become what’s called an “adult” which means you adopt an attitude of disgust towards teenagers, 20 somethings and young people in general (you know, the ones doing the drugs and listening to that shitty music) so you come to look at drug use with disdain. And if you don’t, you’re what’s called an “addict”.

Anyway, as catchy as the song is, it’s driving me crazy going around and around in my head, so I figured I’d try to get rid of it by replacing it with an instrumental song that was hugely popular back in the disco era of the Seventies. I couldn’t tell you what the name of the song is since there aren’t any lyrics, but if you really wanna know, just pick a disco instrumental from the Seventies (make sure it’s got horn) and it’s basically the same thing.

(I’m playing the song in my head right at this moment, give me a minute)

Oh my God, it worked!

I think I’ve just discovered how to get rid of any annoying, pesky songs that get stuck in your head… goddamn it, I’m brilliant! Now if I could only patent this, hmmm… anyway, it’s a three-step process:

Step 1. Just think of another song that is similar in style and beat to the one that’s stuck in your head, but it has to be an instrumental piece, no lyrics. Then, replace the tune stuck in your head with the instrumental one and continue to play it in your mind until the other one stops completely.

Step 2. If someone points out to you that the other song will now get stuck in your head instead, tell them to go fuck themselves.

Step 3. Get off the cocaine.

Oh, I remember what I was gonna talk about: My annoying boss. Yes, yes, yes… of course I have one, whaddya think, I make millions as a writing hack? Anyway, he had given me a task but purposely left something out ‘cause I guess he was testing me to see if I could figure out how to do it, so I asked him a question about it and he says “Well, I purposely left something out ‘cause I was testing you to see if you can figure out how to do it.”

…

…

…

How stupid, of course I know how to do it… at least, this time… and I got a bit annoyed at little Mr. Napoleon and his little Midget Emperor game, so I was trying to come up with a few new names to call him, ‘cause every week I come up with something different, like, Huff ‘n Stuff, Mr. Not Gettin’ Jiggy Wid It, Hamster Ass, etc., when another song popped into my head, this one called “Hit The Road, Jack, and Don’tcha Come Back No Mo’, No Mo’, No Mo’, No Mo’!”

Yes, I do realize those are the lyrics, not the title of the song itself, sheesh, give me a break, who the hell actually knows the name of that song?! Everyone knows it by the lyrics, and anyway you’re missing the point; the point is this song popped into my head for a reason: The name Jack is often used in a manner to suggest that the person to whom it is referring, is an ass, like in Jackass, Jack ‘n the Crack, Jack-off, Jack, Jack, Jack (I just like saying it) and if you say it with enough intention and authority and… no, not hubris… chutzpah, it really gets the point across

Jack

and I’ll bet that’s exactly what that woman in the “Hit The Road” song was thinking when she was singing it, which is why it popped into my head, so now I know what to call my boss for the week. See, everything does happen for a reason!

Shit. Now that song’s stuck in my head.