Someone left a bean in the microwave; a single bean. It was sitting right on top of the glass dish, the one that spins around when the microwave is on. I left it in there and just watched it spin around, and as I did, I thought of my last narcissist, uh… boyfriend, and the last time I had sex, which was with him, and I realized the bean was serving as a metaphor for my lonely, pathetic life.

Picture a dried up, single bean. That’s me right now. I really wanted the bean to represent that asshole, not me, but I’ve tried every single angle and believe me, I just can’t get it to work any other way. I’m wondering if I’ll ever have sex again, because it’s bean a while, get it… bean/been? *snort, snicker* and I’m not meeting any new dudes. I’m worried that the last sexual encounter I will ever have is with that asshole and it will be my final memory of that God-given act of pleasure.

That would suck.

It’s not that the sex was bad, but you know how it is when you break up with someone; you know you’d never want to go back, so thinking about having sex with them grosses you out. I mean, if you’re normal, it grosses you out. Okay, maybe there are some of you who would go back and wanna have sex with your ex and it wouldn’t gross you out, even if you were disgusted with them as a person.

Which, in all honesty, should make you disgusted with yourself.

Speaking of disgusting, a massive heat wave is in the forecast for the next three days and I’m really not looking forward to it… just in case I have to qualify that. Who the hell ever says they can’t wait for it to be 110 degrees? Well, maybe the same person that would have sex with their ex…

I dread hot weather because the air conditioner in my car only works for about 5 minutes, then poops out, and I live in Freeway Hell-Angeles (that’s Angeles, as in Los Angeles, not Hell’s Angels, just in case you read it too fast), and it would cost more to fix the air conditioner than the car is worth, so I was trying to figure out a way to solve this problem. So I did what every other fucking great American in this country would do if they were in my shoes: An internet search.

Happy Independence Day!

No, I didn’t mean for the Fourth of July, so you can put out your sparkler, Tonto. What I mean is my independence should be celebrated since figured it out on my own. So in true American fashion, I made myself a White Trash Air Conditioner! What is that, you ask? Well first, ask yourself “What would MacGyver do?” but instead of MacGuyver, it would be MacGirlver. Then go watch a YouTube video and Bam!… you got yourself a way to cool down your mobile oven. 

I got a styrofoam cooler, a mini car fan with an a/c plug, and a pvc pipe elbow joint. I proceeded to cut two holes in the cooler, one for the fan and one for the elbow joint. I stuffed a bunch of ice packs inside the cooler, stuck the fan through the side hole of the cooler and the elbow joint in the top, then turned the fan on. 

It worked! But only if I kept the fan on low and the car stationary, otherwise, the lid would pop off from all the blowing air. So I just need to strap that puppy down (probably with some bungee cords) and it should be golden.

Should be.

If not, I’ll be a disgusting, sweaty ex. 


Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

4 thoughts on “Chili

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