Squeeze

You know what I love about summer? The lemons. Cheery, bright, yellow, juicy, sweet-sour, mouth-puckering lemons! It could be the quintessential fruit of the season if it weren’t for the friggin’ watermelon; that big, heavy round thing that resembles my belly at the moment. Nope, I’m not preggers… that, my friends, would be an immaculate conception… and terrible! Kids? Yuk. Rather, I’m experiencing a painful bout of IBS. I’ll spare you any details, just know that it’s really fucking uncomfortable… not to mention awkward being a slightly older woman who looks pregnant.

Bright yellow lemons remind me more of summer fun than a red watermelon, and having fun is what summer’s all about. One of my favorite fun things to do on a hot summer day is stop at some kid’s lemonade stand and have a refreshing beverage. I happen to like lemonade, okay? Besides, I once read that if you see a kid’s lemonade stand, stop and buy a lemonade from them to make them feel good, even if you’re not thirsty. That’s every altruistic, isn’t it? I totally agree, everyone should stop to buy a lemonade from the cute kids that went to the trouble of putting up a lemonade stand. They’re like young entrepreneurs.

Which is why I gave two of them some business advice this past week.

I went to a lemonade stand down the street from my house. It was being run by two very enthusiastic, slightly obnoxious little girls who were selling their lemonade for fifty cents, so I bought one. Then I went two streets over to another lemonade stand, which was being run by two smelly older boys, and bought their lemonade, which was seventy five cents. Both were awful, frankly.  

So I went back to the first lemonade stand and said to the girls “Listen, there’s another lemonade stand a couple blocks over that are bad mouthing you guys and your product.” the little girls gasped. I went on: “Yeah, they’re getting passing cars to blow off your stand and come to theirs. Not only that, they’re selling their lemonade for more money, and, to be honest, it tasted much better. If I were you, I’d add more sugar to your product and raise the price by seventy five cents. The added sugar will bring repeated business, trust me. Plus, they’ll bring their friends.”

The girls listened intently and nodded their heads. I told them they should thank me for the free advice, then I promptly went back to the other lemonade stand the boys were running. I said to them “Look, there’s another lemonade stand two blocks over that are bad mouthing you guys and your product.” The boys looked at me with disbelief. I continued: “Yep, they told me their lemonade was better than yours and they’re getting passing cars to blow off your stand and come to theirs, and to be honest, I thought theirs tasted better. If I were you, I’d make your product better and raise your price by fifty cents.” They asked me how and I suggested they add food coloring to make it pink because everybody loves pink lemonade since the yellow lemonade looks like pee. 

Last time I drove by, one was selling theirs for two fifty and the other, two seventy five and they both looked like they weren’t doing a lot of business, which wasn’t surprising; who the hell wants to pay that much for a goddamn lemonade?