Herstory Lesson

School is back in session and I couldn’t be happier or more annoyed at the same time. Talk about a dichotomy… bipolar, if you will.

Hang on a sec’… all you crazies settle down okay? Don’t get mad because I used your mental illness in that phrase, I’m not using it in a derogatory manner. As it happens, some of the most interesting people are bipolar and are considered borderline genius.

(Actually, that’s not true at all. It’s the other type of crazy that borders on genius. Bipolar is just your ordinary crazy, but don’t tell them that.)

ahem

Anyway, I don’t have kids (which will become apparent momentarily), so how do I know school started? Well, for two reasons: One is that all the shops, parks and frozen yogurt places are nice and quiet again, and two, my route to and from work is now packed with the idiots who insist on driving their self-entitled nose pickers to and from school instead of making them take the bus or, *gasp* walk. So now they’re cramming the roads with their Audi crossovers, making the time it takes for me to drive to work, twice as long. I barely have time to finish picking blueberries out of my teeth before I have to rush out the door so I can navigate the extra traffic.

That’s how I know.

I won’t regale you with stories of how I got to school (I either walked or rode the bus for your information because I’m fucking normal) because that would make me boring. I’ll just say that it’s not good to take your kid to and from school because they’ll miss out on a fun learning experience. I used to have the best time taking the bus to school. It was the better part of the entire school experience, frankly.

The bus stop was right down the street from my house and my friends and I would meet there and socialize before the bus came. After we boarded, we’d make our way all the way to the back because that’s where the long bench seat was located… you know the one I’m talking about, right? No? Well you would if you weren’t being chartered to school like a fucking wizard… 

Harry Potter!

Anyway, there’s a long bench seat at the very back of the bus, and we liked to sit there because along the route to school there was this big dip in the road, and as the back end of the bus was coming out of the dip, it would bounce really high, so we’d push ourselves off the seat simultaneously with the bus on the upswing, which would propel us really high into the air, and we’d have a contest to see who could get propelled the highest. Everyone on the bus would watch in awe because, well it was pretty awe-inspiring. If there was social networking back then, it would’ve totally gone viral.

You can’t do stuff like that in your mommy’s car. How the hell are you supposed to learn shit about physics if you’re strapped into an Audi looking cross-eyed at the screen of your iPhone?

Kids need to learn to toughen up a little so stop being so protective. Let ‘em get beat up, spit on or tripped on the bus. It’s a wonderful introduction to how life’s gonna be once they have a job or get married, for example.

Look, I don’t hate kids, I think they’re wonderful. Every time I come into contact with one, they leave the encounter knowing something they didn’t before. For instance, I was in the CVS the other day buying stuff I didn’t need so I could get one of their receipts to use as toilet paper for the week, and I saw this adorable little six year old girl running down the aisle with a Barbie Doll clutched tightly in her hands. Clearly, she was looking for her mom, who’d left her in the toy aisle so she could continue shopping undisturbed, and the little girl was going to find her and beg for the doll. Anyway, I approached her and said “Listen, I know you’re infatuated with Barbie, what little girl isn’t at your age? Anyway, I know you desperately want the Barbie doll right now, but think about it, in five years’ time, you’re gonna hate the bitch because she’s skinnier than you and has bigger tits.”

I walked away giving her some real food for thought, know what I mean?

 

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