I live in the suburbs in a place called… well, never mind what it’s called… it’s your typical suburb: bedroom community, family orientated, no culture, nothing exciting to do and everything closes at 9pm. The good thing about it is there’s always plenty of parking and you can run red lights with impunity. We’re a small town that used to be much smaller before all these idiots from other places discovered it, so now we’re a small town crammed with people who have small minds, so it’s boring.
It’s so boring, when something new happens, the whole town buzzes with excitement. I’ll give you an example: The guys and gals from the Recs and Parks built a new park down the street from me. It has a skate park, so it’s a park within a park, if you will. People like moms, dads and the little bastards they gave birth to, have been flocking there ever since it opened, because… what the fuck else is there to do in the suburbs except grab a friggin’ Starbucks latte and take your kid to the new park? Preceding the actual park is a parking lot where everybody parks their cars instead of getting out and walking, which is silly because the whole idea of a neighborhood park is to get people outside.
I used the word park so many times in that paragraph, it probably defies proper grammar, and if people in this town knew about it, it’d probably make their panties wet… that’s how desperate they are for some excitement!
Now this park sits directly across the street from a middle school, and to me, nothing says “Bring on the pedophiles!” more than a park with a parking lot sitting across the street from a middle school, am I right?
We also have our own local rag which covers all the goings on around town, too. What the heck do you write about in a town where the biggest news of the week is a park opening and everyone’s asleep by ten? Well for instance, they have a weekly crime blotter that informs the community of all the horrible crimes that took place for the week, which reads something like: 6pm Wednesday, a car was broken into on First Ave. Sunday, 12 noon, a man was arrested for disorderly conduct, etc., etc.
One edition had an article on how to bake banana bread, that was exciting. The tagline read: “This one will be sure to turn around banana haters” which was such a coincidence because I had been thinking about all those banana haters and how to turn them around too! Why would you want to try to turn a banana hater around anyway, and why would you try to do it with something as benign as banana bread, and not something like, say, a banana daiquiri? Does it really bother you that much that there are people out there who hate bananas? I mean, have you seen the internet? People are hating a lot worse things than bananas.
I happen to love bananas. Think about it: The banana is one of those few foods you can take anywhere because it’s encased in its own packaging. Plus it’s packed with vitamins, doesn’t have a lot of calories, and it’s one of those fruits that when you watch someone eating one, it makes you think sexy thoughts.
BANANA HATERS: DO NOT EMAIL ME
Listen, if you want excitement, don’t move here. Every day I have to go out of my way to do something thrilling to get my heart racing, just so I know I’m still alive and have a pulse… usually involving bananas.