Enlighten Me

One of the headlights on my car isn’t working and when I read the manual to figure out how to fix it, it didn’t seem that difficult.

But we all know how that ball bounces, don’t we?

Whoever writes these car manuals always make it sound so easy to find or fix something, but when you GDB (get down to business), it never is. It’s the headlamp bulb I need to change, so I followed the instructions and surprisingly, I was able to remove the headlight assembly fairly easily. I have to say, it was so interesting to see just how shitty my Swedish car is actually put together. Did you know the entire headlight assembly is held in with a single pin? Apparently the Swedish don’t have to worry about car parts flying off when driving because they don’t drive faster than 30 mph (that’s 48.2803 kilometers per hour for all you European trash) so they figure they can hold this shit together with pins. They pick up meatballs with toothpicks, so there’s that. 

Wait, Sweden is part of Europe, right?

Anyway, once the headlight assembly is removed, you turn it over and twist the dial that holds the actual headlamp, it unhinges and there sits the bulb. Then you’re supposed to gently pull the bulb out and replace it with the new one. Simple, right? Well, here’s where it gets tricky: it doesn’t fucking come out.

The thing is stuck. I’ve tried maneuvering it in all different directions, using minimal force of course, because I don’t wanna break the glass and slice open my finger. I need that finger to gesture to the people on the freeway. Although, a finger wrapped up in bandages widens its girth, making for a stronger statement, doesn’t it? No, no, no… that won’t work, I need it for typing. I’ve tried typing with a finger out of commission and it came out looking like this:

Ge t awy F.’o me yo#  Godaam idjits!

So I shoved everything back into the hole and stuck the friggin’ pin back in to hold it together, figuring I’d leave it for another day. However, when I used my right turn signal, something went wrong. You know how turn signals have a slow, even ticking sound? They go: tchk… tchk… tchk… Well right after trying to fix the damn headlight it started doing double time, so now it goes: tchk-tchk-tchk-tchk… like a turn signal on crack. It’s gone spastic like the neighbor’s kid down the street. You give that kid a sugary candy bar and he’ll mow the lawn of every house on the goddamn block. Hey, don’t get mad at me for calling it like it is, it’s not my fault the parents smoked pot in high school and then their kid hit every branch on the way out!

Now I’m really irritated that I have a short in the wiring somewhere. I realize it’s pointless getting irritated with an inanimate object, but I honestly didn’t have any irritating encounters with people this week.

I don’t get Swedish cars, I really don’t. They are some of the most boring cars on the planet. Mine’s about as exciting as a church music recital with a bunch of spastics. Although on the way to work this morning, I passed this souped up Volvo hauling ass down the road. It had all these No Fear stickers plastered on the back window, was slightly lowered, and the muffler was removed, which is about as gangster as you can get in the suburbs. When I got a better look at the driver though, I saw it was the neighbor kid, holy crap… he’s only ten. Go spaz!