Some people think it’s more difficult for other people to act like assholes around the Holidays because of the holy aspect of it all, but I beg to differ.
There are plenty of assholes around this time of year.
You can find them anywhere, but they mainly hang around malls and shopping centers, or drive on the freeway. Well, the freeway’s a given, but they’re definitely at the shops participating in a feeding frenzy, like piranha or sharks. The one I encountered was a whale, and when I say whale, the person wasn’t nice like a whale is because whales are lovely creatures, and when I say one, there’s really been many.
Blowholes aren’t the same as assholes
My asshole (the one I encountered, not my literal asshole) resembled a whale in the sense that her presence was large; she wouldn’t hesitate to knock you over while she was gobbling up the whole goddamn store. Her jaws widened as she swam down the aisle, absorbing everything in her path through her mouth, just like how a whale eats, but instead of plankton, it was garish, holiday crap.
The reason I was there was because I was invited to a Christmas party… or Holiday party… or whatever the hell the protocol is this year, and I needed to get a gift for the Secret Santa… oh, excuse me, a White Elephant, not a Secret Santa, according to my friend, who corrected me. Jesus Christ! Oh yeah, I’m not supposed to say Jesus Christ this time of year either. Listen, the guy was nailed onto a wooden cross, do you think he gives a shit if I use his name as an expletive? I’ll bet even he cried out “Jesus Christ!” when the first nail went in.
So after I found a gift, I was waiting my turn in the front of the line for the next cash register when these adorable Holiday cards caught my eye. Did I just say the words holiday and adorable in the same sentence? Holy crap, please slap me across the mouth next time you see me for saying that.
I took a quick second to look at them to decide which one I wanted, and as I turned to step back to my place at the front of the line, the whale shoved her way past me with her overloaded shopping cart, straight to the register. Apparently she was behind me, which I surprisingly missed, since she was exuding a pungent waft of self-entitlement. If you wanna know what that smells like, it’s anchovies. Then, get this: the woman waiting behind the whale tried to make her move ahead of me also, but I stepped in front of her, blocking her and showing my dominance.
But the important thing is I made it to the party that evening with gift in tow and an anticipation of the evening’s events. When I arrived, there were a bunch of people eating and drinking and having a great time, and there was a whole bunch of gifts just waiting to be opened for the White Elephant, so I thought, “Wow, this is gonna be great!” which is also incorrect. Get a bunch of people together, plow them with alcohol, then try to organize a gift exchange that involves keeping track of numbers and stuff. Go ahead… lemme know how it goes.
Very quickly into the game I realized how crappy all the gifts were, which shouldn’t have been a surprise now that I think about it, and because everyone was getting wasted, it was taking forever to call out each person’s number and get them to focus. Mind you, I don’t drink, so I was witnessing all this with the disdain it deserved. I must’ve sat there for a good 40 minutes and still didn’t get my number called, and I was losing my patience, so I almost yelled out “Hey, who’s dick do I gotta suck to get my number called?!” but decided against it in case some asshole thought I was serious. I haven’t sucked a dick in ages.
Well my number was finally called, and as luck would have it, the gift I chose turned out to be a metaphor for the entire experience. It was a coffee mug in the shape of a toilet, complete with a crap skid on the inside of the bowl, and the crap skid was textured… I kid you not. Who in their right mind is gonna drink out of a mug like that?
Some asshole probably.