Tastes Fine To Me

Last night I went to this Thai restaurant for a bite to eat. After I gave the server my order, she  commented “That’s a lot of carbs.” At first, I wasn’t sure if I heard her correctly, so I asked her to repeat herself, and she said, “That’s a lot of carbs.” I looked at her with an expression like, you’ve got to be kidding me? I got annoyed, and I almost blurted out “Oh yeah, well you’re just a fetish!” but decided against it because I’m no racist.  

What are you, a Tiger mother or something?

Instead, I found myself justifying it by reminding her it was brown rice and letting her know I was going to take the extra home, that I intentionally ordered extra so I wouldn’t have to worry about lunch the next day, and then I got more annoyed because there I was, explaining this to some L.A. server who’s supposed to just take my order, not make commentary on it.

After she brought out my food, I started spooning piles of rice onto my plate as I stared her down, just to show her who was boss. I think I made my point, because after I was finished eating, I felt quite full since it was a lot of carbs, but I wasn’t going to be intimidated by some skinny L.A. chick. See, what her problem is, is that her body is starved of carbs, so her brain isn’t working properly, making her do stupid things like state the obvious.

Don’t people understand that at my age the only thing I have going for me is carbs? I dream about carbs… I have fantasies about how I’m going to cook carbs and what I’m going to pair them with… I’ve got a giant tattoo on my ass that says CARBS… in cursive!

I’m a former member of Carbs Anonymous, goddammit!

It’s not enough that almost every person in L.A. is on some stupid food trend or diet: Paleo, Keto, Vegan, Raw, blah, blah, blah… now they’re going to count carbs for everyone else, too? Just because you’re stupid enough to avoid carbs, doesn’t mean everyone else has to.

Why do people feel the need to comment on your food, or on how and what you eat nowadays anyhow? It never used to happen before, this is a recent phenomenon. It’s like Asians, I mean, aliens, took over our planet and they’re all on diets and now they’re brainwashing us into all being on diets too.

It’s not just L.A., I was at a local store the other day buying some specialty and imported goods, and when I got to the checkout, the sales lady would pick up each item and make a comment on it, like “Ooh, this is really good.” and “I’ve never tried this one before!”, before putting my groceries in the bag.

Then she started giving me suggestions on how to eat one particular item, which was ludicrous; This woman with her Eighties suburban hairstyle and Lane Bryant outfit, working behind the register at a retail store, was gonna give me advice on how to eat imported food? Lady, I’m Italian, I am an import, I don’t need advice on how to eat one!

Although eating an Italian a day is supposed to be good for you… snicker*, snort*