Smell The Disappointment

So I went on another date with my usual low expectations, which is a great approach for anybody who’s in the dating game, because that way, you don’t get too disappointed.

There’s a lot of disappointment out there

Before I go into my tirade, let me just say this: Men my age look like shit. I don’t know if it’s because they’ve had it so fucking good for so long they don’t have to try, because let’s face it, in this man’s world, they’re not required to do any upkeep on their looks because it hasn’t been demanded of them like it has with women, so they just let life happen to them… and it’s shows. Maybe it’s simply because they think they’re the cat’s dinner and still look hot. Either way, most of them don’t look hot, they look fucking disgusting.

They don’t know how to take selfies either, so their online profile photos are awful. They  look down into the camera, rather than from a more flattering upward angle, so their double chin turns into a triple chin while the shitty lighting enhances the dark circles under their eyes. Frankly, they look like serial killers, the creeps. When I see a photo like that, all I can think is: If he’s on top fucking me, that’s what I’m going to be looking up at…  *shudder*

Then I slightly throw up in my mouth.

Actually, that was my tirade. Let’s move on…

My date reminded me of one of my friend’s ex-husbands, whom I never liked, and who sported a round, doughy face; the type that begs to be slapped around like raw pizza, so I almost cancelled because I wasn’t sure I could move past it. But I figured it was only gonna take 30 minutes or so, which was the time I had allotted before meeting friends to do something that would actually be enjoyable.

We chatted for a while and I could tell he was nervous as hell because he thought I was hot, which I cannot argue with, so at least he had good taste. In the course of the conversation, he admitted he had only been with two women his entire life, so if there was even the slightest chance he could turn me around, that killed it right there. After we parted ways, he texted me… then a few hours later, he texted me again, which put the final nail in the coffin; it came off really desperate. He probably went home and wacked off thinking about me, then decided he should make his move.

Rookie mistake

You know how it goes, we’ve all done it: We meet someone we’re immediately attracted to and get scared the person will slip through our fingers, so we jump the gun because we’re desperate and believe if we move quickly enough, we won’t lose them. We try too hard… we call or text too soon and too often, which inevitably makes the person run in the opposite direction because they can smell the desperation a mile away. We’re left feeling lonely, confused and like the losers we are.

I get turned off by a guy with no game and no confidence. I texted him back and said “Look, call me when you’re an asshole.” Poor guy didn’t have a chance from the get-go, I mean, look at me. Okay, you can’t see me, but if you did, you’d say “Oh yeah, he didn’t have a chance.”

I’m not trying to toot my own horn, it’s just that I’ve taken care of myself and I’m taking this whole dating thing in stride… not desperate, in other words. I’m assertive and I’m confident… unless I’m bloated, then not so much. But my point is, he just didn’t have that cocky attitude that makes a girl’s panties wet. I’m an eighties rock chick, I’m used to rocker guys with swagger who are complete assholes; it’s a turn on.

Yeah, I realize rocker guys probably take the swagger and cockiness a bit too far, and they go through women like water… and they’re not necessarily the cleanest of the bunch; leather and spandex aren’t the most breathable fabrics, let’s face it. If they’ve been sweating in leather pants all week, they don’t exactly smell that great, but once they strip that shit off and let everything air out for a few minutes, it’s something a girl can move past. Anyway most of them will shower beforehand if you beg them to.

Plus they know how to take a damn good selfie.