Diary of an Addict

Day 1 on coffee –  Half a cup of a delicious decaf with a splash of regular and some cream first thing in the morning. Not that Starbucks shit either; a good cup of European coffee from this great bakery near me. Didn’t get any baked goods either. Willpower! I took a digestive enzyme and probiotic beforehand and didn’t have any adverse reactions. I felt alert without the shakes, got lots of stuff done, feeling great!

I’m Superwoman!

Day 2 on coffee – Half a cup of a delicious decaf with a splash of regular and some cream first thing in the morning. Another cup of that European coffee from the bakery and no baked goods. Willpower! Also took a digestive enzyme and probiotic beforehand. Felt great and sort of, high. Forgot how wonderful caffeine is! Decided to drink some of the remaining half cup later that afternoon. Superwoman… haaad a bit of a tough time falling asleep. Oh well, nothing a cup of coffee in the morning wouldn’t fix.

I’m bulletproof!

Day 3 on coffee – Feeling invincible! Thoughts while drinking my coffee: “Why am I buying coffee at the bakery every morning when I can just buy a bag and brew it myself at home and save money?” What a great idea! Went to the store during my lunch hour, bought my favorite brand and some coffee filters. Immediately opened the bag and deeply inhaled. God I love the smell! Kept huffing it for the rest of the day.  Couldn’t wait ‘til morning when I could brew a cup… so excited! Fuck, I wish I could have a cup now.

I’m Super!

Day 4 on coffee – Woke up ready for my fucking coffee and realized I no longer had a goddamn coffee maker. Got rid of it years ago. What the hell am I gonna do? I can’t not have a cup of coffee in the morning! Boiled water, stuck filter in a strainer over cup, poured water over the coffee – BAM – strong fucking cup of coffee! A huge mug too, none of this half cup bullshit. Drank the whole thing standing over the sink while considering brewing another cup to bring to work with me. Decided against it. Passed everybody on my commute, gave some slow driver the finger.

I’m Super… fuckin’ jacked right now!

Day 5 on coffee – Feeling… kinda restless, jaw hurts. I forgot I grind my teeth at night when I’m on coffee. Bags under my eyes. Friend commented she was worried about me yesterday. Slipped me a brochure of the Twelve Steps and patted me on my shoulder with that look in her eye. Fuck her. Didn’t sleep well last night. Tossed and turned, dreamed of a coffee cup chasing me down the rabbit hole, calling me Alice. Immediately brewed some coffee to snap out of it.

Fuck Off!

Day 6 on coffee – Cleaned my entire house. Yelled at my cats. Laughed when my neighbor fell down the stairs.


Day 7… off coffee: Couldn’t focus. Kept nodding out and jerking awake at the slightest sound. Dragged myself to my car during lunch hour for a nap and fell into coma. Woke up groggy with a flushed face. Was hungry, so decided eating some goddamn peanuts (my other nemesis) would help (didn’t). Got home and promptly had a one-on-one with the toilet. In a bad mood. Feel like a zombie. I hate myself. What happened, I used to be so nice?

Fuck coffee! I’m never drinking it again. Went to a Twelve Step meeting.

What do I do with this bag of coffee I just bought? Can’t throw it out, what a waste! Give it to the neighbors? 

I’ll keep it… just in case.


Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

24 thoughts on “Diary of an Addict

  1. Ha ha ha! Good luck with that! I need my 2 cups every weekday morning to keep from falling asleep on the way to work. I rely on chocolate for the drive home, though. It is hard to beat the aroma of ground coffee beans, especially when first opened. Mmmmm…..


  2. We can be out of all groceries, paper towels, soap, laundry detergent, etc… but when we run out of coffee, my wife is heading to the store. Sometimes I hide the coffee so that she’ll go buy food.


  3. I don’t think I will ever stop my daily two cups in the morning. I AM trying to kick the sugar habit and drank it black for 5 days and fell off the wagon. This week, using half the amount of sugar I normally do. But no coffee, not sure I could handle it. It took me 40 years to start my coffee habit. Hilarious post …


  4. I don’t drink coffee, not a drop. I never have. It’s like drinking gasoline. Not that I’ve tasted gasoline mind you, but I can only imagine. I’m bitchy today with no excuse. LOL. Funny blog, thanks for the laughs.


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