Body Double

Posted byClever GirlPosted infunny, humor, sarcasmTags:, , , , , , ,

When I die and get reincarnated, I want to come back with a body like Pamela Anderson had in the nineties.

I want to know what it feels like to be adored by a standard of beauty that is completely unattainable and unrealistic for ninety nine percent of the female population… without a major plastic surgery overhaul. Which brings me to the other night in Hollywood; a person that had a knock-out body with unreal proportions walked by me in a green bikini and little else.

It was about 60 degrees outside and I was impressed by her ability to handle the cold (and the stares and snide remarks). I guess having a great body makes you do things few of us regulars can. For instance, I always wanted to be a full-on slut, but wouldn’t, because I could never live up to the expectation naked.

At first, I was certain this person in the green bikini was a woman, but after careful inspection (no, not that careful) I discovered she was a man… or a previous man. Yes, there was an Adam’s apple and unusually broad shoulders, but holy crap, the rest of her was amazing: Gravity-defying, luscious, extraordinary!

I’m all for becoming whomever and whatever you want to become, so more power to her. She looked fucking great, plastic surgery and all, and it made me feel like, if a man can do it, so can I! Except, I don’t want to go under the knife. Never have, never will. Probably. Look, my mom always told me “Never say never”, and she was right, because as soon as I do, I turn around and do the exact thing I said I’d never do.

Except for the following never

I never had that type of body and never will. Being a full-on slut is still an option though.

I have the type of body that was more appreciated during times like the Renaissance or Cretaceous period, so I’m a few hundred (or million) years out of style. I’m more suited to be carved out of marble and put in a museum to be adored, than to walk Sunset Blvd. in a green bikini and drooled over.

Hey, maybe that should be my next career move! No, not Wonder Woman, a statue.

I do have a few things going for me that I can appreciate though: I have good hair, I’m somewhat tall, somewhat proportionately constructed, long legged, nice hands, and I’m funny and can talk in complete sentences.

Want my number?

But sometimes I wish I had things I don’t have now, and never will. It’s not that I don’t appreciate myself or what I do have, but I think about having something else from time to time. I dream about what it would be like to fit into this idea society has falsely created: That to be skinny with big tits makes you better than other woman… more desirable, and more beautiful, which I know is a complete waste of time and does nothing for cultivating the gratitude I’m supposed to have.

Comparing yourself to someone else is the kiss of death, this I know. So how come it’s so difficult to stop doing? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way… I don’t want to get a bunch of comments giving me advice on how to stop doing it: “Just focus on yourself and don’t worry about other people”, or “There’ll always be people that wish they had what you have” or this one, which has got to be the most fucking annoying of all: “Just do you!”

I already “do” me, every single day of my life. You do me, see how you like it. Okay, you’d probably like it. I mean, hey, it’s not that bad being me. It’s society that has made me bad because I have flesh, curves, meat on the bones… and some stretch marks. Oooh, how fucking horrible, you have that?! Yeah, I do… so I should be a self-loathing recluse then. Wait, I am a self-loathing recluse.

No, not really

I just want to look in the mirror and say “Hey gorgeous, you have an awesome body.” No, that’s not all I want, I want the world to say it too. Is that too much to ask?!

Apparently.

 

Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

23 thoughts on “Body Double”

  1. I think we all go through those times when we wish we had this or that. At this point, I’d just like to go back about 20 years, but know what I know now. I can’t say I’ve ever seen your body, but hey gorgeous, you have an AWESOME body! 😉 As always, a pleasure to read your pieces.

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  2. A pleasure as ever 🙂

    I think I’d settle for not looking in the mirror and thinking that with a bit of a shave i would probably have better tits than mrs afterwards….

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  3. Yeah. I think we’ve all had those moments when we wish for THAT body. I know I have. But then I read about those who have actually attained it (through genetics, surgery, exercise or all of it) and they’re still abused, cheated on, left for the latest model, and disparaged by others. So, what’s the point? I want the magnificent, joy-filled, fairy tale life that is supposed to come with achieving peak physical beauty. It’s part of the deal, right? Right?! 😉

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  4. Society may have a “standard” of beauty, but everyone has their own tastes, right? Or do you only find men who are 6’2″ and taller and look like superman attractive? (Yes? Oh, okay. I’m still in! ) When Pamela Anderson was all the rage, one of my college buddies had nude pictures of her all over his dorm walls. I never thought she looked good–something about her face. And that’s when my hormones were at their best (or worst). I’ll take a pretty face any day.

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    1. Yes, everyone has their own tastes I hope. Society is leaning on a generic look for women though: Puffed up lips, boobs, super skinny, etc. Good to get a man’s view. No, I don’t generally find a tall man with looks like superman attractive (that’s a lie), but I am very attracted to other qualities, like personality, intelligence… a roguish grin doesn’t hurt.

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  5. i would totally be naked all the time if i had a great body. however, i think i probably am a full-on slut without one…
    once upon a time i always wondered why my friend wore super tight jeans. then i lost a bunch of weight & had a cute body for once in my life–i totally started wearing super tight jeans.
    these days it’s pretty much 24/7 yoga pants.

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  7. The day I stopped caring about what other people think of me was the day I became truly free. I don’t look like a wort infested troll, mind you, but I’d sooner have people like me for my intellect, humor and wit than my measurements, which isn’t important. I work on my inner self the most.
    I like you, and I think you are funny, that’s why I come to read your blogs. Actually, I prefer you’re not a full-on slut because I think there’s something to be said for keeping one’s self respect. Some of us still like those virtues in the people we hang with.

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  11. Great post. Years ago I saw Pamela Anderson in an airport terminal. I told people about it later by saying that her body was literally unbelievable; even better in person than on TV and photographs. She had a big hat on so I couldn’t really see her face, but her body and the way she carried herself was insane-and I (and others) instantly recognized her even with her face covered.
    Totally relate to your thoughts. Except you have good hair, I wish I did! And the ‘you do you’ expression can be patronizing, can’t it??!! As in ‘inwardly I think you are totally nuts, but, hey, YOU DO YOU… and stay the heck out of MY lane while doing it.’

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