Pets become part of the family, don’t they? They’re like our kids, especially when it comes to keeping them on a tight leash… metaphorically speaking, of course. I don’t actually put kids on leashes (only because it’s against the law). Still, I think it’s a stellar idea. Kids out in public need to be controlled at all times. Just think about when you’re in a restaurant, the parents letting their kids run around like it’s a friggin’ playground while you’re just trying to do your job as a goddamn waitress and the little fuckers almost trip you up as you try balance a tray full of drinks!
Just like when dogs are out in public, they need to be controlled at all times too. No, I don’t have kids or dogs, I have cats, and yes, I can almost hear the squawk of an argument coming out of your mouth right now, but you can just forget about it because as far as I’m concerned, both kids and dogs belong on leashes.
Of course there are times when you should be allowed to let your kids and dogs run free: In your own backyard, or in the middle of your living room… let ‘em run around in circles until they wear themselves out… and maybe you should join them. Come to think of it, you should suck your own dicks, too!
Anyway, I’ll give you a perfect example: I was hiking the other day, and, like countless times before, I encountered dogs off leash while the family was meandering along on the trail behind them. It’s really unsettling to have strange dogs coming towards you because you never know how they’re going to react. Dog owners are often quick to defend themselves with stupid statements like, “I want my dogs to be unencumbered and run free.” Well I wanna run free inside a fucking bank vault, but do I? No, because it’s illegal.
Here’s the irritating part… wait, it’s all irritating… but this is the most irritating part of the irritating thing: As the family got closer to me, the dad said “I hope you weren’t bothered by our dogs.” wah, wah, wah.
You “hope”? So does Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption dumbass, so you can take your hopes and your thoughts and your prayers and stick it ‘cause I don’t need them. What I need is for you to put your dogs on a leash so I’m not afraid I’m going to get attacked by a strange animal.
I know you want everything to be hunky dory while you enjoy your stroll with your family… yay! Well fuck that shit. How would you like to encounter a grizzly bear on your stroll and have the owner say “I hope you weren’t bothered by my man-eating bear?”
Why would you even ask me that question instead of just putting your dogs on leashes? Wait, don’t answer that, it’s a rhetorical question. I already know why. It’s because you know you’re doing the wrong thing, and you want me to pardon your irresponsible behavior by saying something to the effect of: “Aww, it’s okaaaay” <insert fucking smiley emoji>
What kind of example are you showing your kids with that behavior anyway? Okay no, I don’t really give a crap about your kids, I’m just trying to make you feel more guilty. Every day, there are people out there breaking tiny, little laws, like speeding, letting their dogs run loose and cheating on their taxes (which reminds me…) and they think it’s okay as long as they don’t get caught or no one says anything, so where does that leave us as a society? Unleashed, that’s where!
Hmm… now where did I put that muzzle?