Doctor, Doctor… Can’t You See I’m burnin’ burnin’?

Posted byClever GirlPosted infunny, humor, sarcasm, SatireTags:, , , , , ,

I’ve been recovering from a stomach virus. It’s taken me five days to be able to convince my stomach it’s okay to keep food down, but that hasn’t stopped it from protesting by issuing disturbingly loud noises. So disturbingly loud, I haven’t gone out anywhere because I’m afraid someone will call the cops on me.

To top off my wonderful week of vomiting and subsequent negotiation with my stomach to have some soup, I went to an appointment to see my gynecologist. I should’ve re-scheduled but since I haven’t had a date in… well, never mind how long, I figured I’d just go and get fingered.

I’ve never seen this particular gynecologist before because I just got new insurance, and because insurance companies dictate who and when you can see a health care provider, I had to choose someone I’ve never met or heard of before. I chose a woman because a male gynecologist is an oxymoron. Or, just moron. Anyway, we did the usual question and answer routine and sized each other up. She seemed knowledgeable enough and had a pleasant manner, so I felt comfortable in working with her to address my issues.

Never mind about my issues

Ask any woman, of any age, what it’s like to go to the gynecologist for a check up, and you’ll get the same response: Ugh, which always denotes trepidation and a quiet dread. Not only because you don’t want any bad news, but because of the contraptions used for the exam. I’m talking a pap smear, people… which is an awful phrase. Couldn’t they come up with a more appealing term, like flower inspection? I don’t even know what a pap is. 

So I climbed up onto the saddle and planted my feet firmly into the stirrups. Ladies will know exactly what I’m referring to, and men… well, you’ll have to ask your wives or girlfriends for an explanation if you don’t already know… you dumb fucks. Oh, you didn’t realize I was gonna walk you through my appointment and it’s making you uncomfortable, huh? Welcome to the jungle, baby! (I haven’t had a bikini wax in a couple years either).

Aaaanyway… after the soothing sound of the snapping of latex gloves, she started with the speculum, which is Latin for “this is gonna be awkward”. The speculum is a contraption that spreads the vagina open, much wider than if it was about to invite a hot guy’s bulge inside of her… or something to that effect. One of the reasons I like to see women gynecologists is because they know how to use them, taking into consideration how it feels, whereas men have no fucking clue. Most of the time they can’t even find the vagina’s most precious jewel, so how are they supposed to be a fucking gynecologist, for fuck’s sake?! (please see paragraph three).

After that uncomfortable part of the exam, this gyno (shortened from the word gynecologist to save time and effort) had to feel around inside my uterus, and she got a little rough. I get that she wanted to be thorough, but after a minute of this, it started to feel like I never gave her permission in the first place, if you know what I mean. To give credit where credit is due, men can generally be more, um… caring, when it comes to feeling around up there, but she was just going to the rodeo! She shoved her fingers so high up inside me, at one point she mentioned I needed a filling in my upper molar.

How the fuck?

After her exam was completed, she said I might have some spotting later in the day and I thought to myself: Spotting? I’m probably going to have a full on period… and I’m in menopause. If there was anything good to come out of my visit, it’s that I definitely want to start dating immediately. She awakened a passion in me… a desire of something that’s been dormant for a long time:

Dinner reservations.

Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

28 thoughts on “Doctor, Doctor… Can’t You See I’m burnin’ burnin’?”

  1. this is awesome.
    & i love the thompson twins.
    i agree 100% about male gynecologists. i will not see a man about a vagina.
    i just had my first appointment since i had an IUD put in some years back to keep there from being anymore surprise visitors.
    i asked the (in this case nurse-practitioner) to check on it. she asked if i had felt the strings with my own fingers at any time, & i told her, “i can’t find anything in there & have in fact lost a couple of things in there.”
    she agreed once she got in there that it is a trixy place, my vagina, but was able to confirm the strings were still there. which was a relief because i always suspect things are going awry, especially small copper robots designed to keep intruders out of my uterus.
    anyhoo!
    i think because my expression was one of constant horror & of bracing myself for more horror, she was very gentle & asked often if i was okay.

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  5. Yep, I agree with you about the male gyno thing…or should I say guy-no…just NO. NO guy, ever!
    The pap smear is named after the doc that invented it – Dr. Papadapadingdongabingbong or something like that. Hence the shortening of the name.
    Have not had to have one since my hysterectomy. As my (female!) doc pointed out, if I have my cervix removed at the same time I get the lifelong bonus of no longer needing a pap smear. Of course, I signed right up for that add-on!
    Thanks for making me laugh, CG!

    Deb

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      1. I figured you were too talented not to be performing this type of material or at least writing for others. I just referred it to a couple of my blogger folk who also thought it was hilarious. Thanks.

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  11. It’s been awhile since I’ve been to a gyno. I’m not really interested in going either. lol. I’m afraid it wouldn’t awaken any passion in me. Maybe another woman with a strap on, but a man. Nope. No thanks. Hahahaha. Thanks for the laughs, you made my night. x

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