Weenie Domain

I’ve discovered how to determine if someone is losing their fucking mind.

I met my friend for a hike at one of my favorite trails. It starts out from a residential neighborhood, and at times, there can be lots of activity and people parking on the streets surrounding the houses because it’s a popular trail. There’s one particular house on the corner that sits right next to the actual trail head and the owner of the house is not happy about all this activity.

You’ll soon find out how I know this.

Hiking in our area has become increasingly popular over the last couple decades. We have lots of beautiful open space; we’re in suburban hell, so besides eating, fucking and overpopulating, there isn’t much to do out here. Oh wait, there’s Starbucks…

I’m sure the influx of people in these areas must be frustrating for the residents, because whenever you have large groups of people doing something, it’s very obnoxious. It’s just the nature of large groups of people together doing the same thing. Think: herds of buffalo, or sheep… or MAGA supporters.

Anyway, when I approached my friend’s vehicle, she told me the owner of the house that sits next to the trail head, came out and told her she couldn’t park in front of his house, which is on a public street with no parking restrictions. Remember, it’s the suburbs, and the only thing we call all agree on about living here, is that the parking is great.

By now, you should probably know where this is going.

Let me preface this by saying there are two characteristics of people I detest. Okay, there are lots of characteristics of people I detest, but the two that stand out the most, are liars and hypocrites. Now I’m not saying I’ve never been one or the other from time to time… what I am saying, is I fucking hate it when people are habitual liars and hypocrites, then act like they’re not when they know they are. If you’re gonna be like that, just own it; own up to your asshole-ness.

My friend, who is non-confrontational… at least, not anymore (ask me one day about the time I repeatedly had to pull her out of a girl-fight on a Saturday night), said she’d just move her car because she didn’t want the guy to do anything to it. That pissed me off, because he was trying to intimidate someone through lying, but also because this wasn’t the first time he was being a jerk. I had parked in front of his house once before and when I returned from my hike, he had left a note on my windshield that he called the tow company and they were coming to tow my car; a complete empty threat.

What a weenie.

But I wanted to handle the situation in a rational, mature way, so I turned toward his house and gave him a raspberry and the finger. I was only going to give him a raspberry, but it just didn’t feel complete. I knew he was lurking behind his blinds watching us too. Then he did exactly what I expected he would; came outside to confront us.

Like I said, weenie.

He started to utter some baloney, but I just spoke over him in my loud voice (yeah, I can be loud), and told him he had no right to tell people not to park in front of his house; it’s public parking, people have a right to park wherever they want, and to stop scaring people away. 

Let me re-iterate what he does: He stands watch over a curb; a piece of concrete attached to asphalt that sits adjacent to what he considers his domain, and he doesn’t want anyone near said domain, even though he lives with thousands of other people in a town where there are cars and streets and other domains. Remember the Unabomber? This is his cousin.

Not only that, he does it every weekend! He must stand at his window for hours, watching for vehicles parking in front of his house so he can pounce on them or leave fucking idiot notes on their windshields.

That is the definition of insanity, my friends.

I’m surprised Trump hasn’t hired him to be the Secretary of Transportation. I’m certain this guy is having sex with Betsy DeVos, and post-coitus, they talk about how they’re gonna fuck up people’s lives: She with the disabled and he with anyone who parks. They get so turned on by their discussions, they fuck over and over again, just like rabbits; because it’s over very quickly and they’re trying to repeatedly conceive so as to colonize with large groups of other insane people.

See? Hypocrite.