Get Used To It

Posted byClever GirlPosted infunny, humor, sarcasmTags:, , , , , ,

Okay, this woman got slightly irritated with me because I didn’t want to buy her car. Yes, I’m buying a new, used car because the relationship I have with my Swedish car is coming to an end.

We were never compatible to begin with. The Swedes are… well, they’re fucking boring… not exciting, not sexy. They’re great at socialism and other things though: Have a problem with needle users, homelessness, trash? Like blondes and fish dishes? Sweden, baby. Anyway, I never wanted a vehicle with a name that closely resembles parts of a woman’s vagina. Makes me feel weird whenever I have to say it.

Volvo. Are you happy now?

Anyway, this woman was eager to sell me her piece of crap… I mean, car. She was even willing to bring it to me, but I really didn’t want it, so I made excuses (all valid), like it was dinged up and part of the front bumper was torn off. Plus, you could tell she was desperate, which is a real turn off… you can smell desperation a mile away.

Just come with me on my next date and take a big whiff.

Have you ever noticed people selling their used cars can adopt an air of haughtiness? What gets me is they act like the car is so valuable. The fucking thing is used. They don’t even want it anymore, but they want to try to squeeze every damn dollar out of it like it’s a friggin’ diamond, even though it’s lost its value and is more like a cubic zirconia. The buyer is doing them a favor by taking it off their hands and reusing it anyway.

If it’s so fucking great, why don’t you keep it?

I’m all for buying used and re-using; I think we could all benefit from being more conservational and less wasteful (no, that word was not conversational, please re-read).

Like, how about not taking more than you need, for instance? I mean, how many napkins do you need when you’re eating your tacos? Fifty? Because you sure took enough for that many people. You just grabbed a massive handful with your big, fat, banana hands without even thinking whether you need fifty fucking napkins.

Just don’t come crying to me at the end of the world when there are no more fucking napkins. That’s because there are no more fucking trees left because you took a huge stack of napkins you didn’t need to wipe your fat mouth and left the extra ones discarded on the table, creating unnecessary waste. But hey, as long as you get to do whatever the fuck you want, it doesn’t matter, does it? and now you’re crying because there are no more fucking napkins because there are no more fucking trees… how the hell does that make you feel?!!

ahem

Uh… where was I? Oh yes, being used. No, no, no, no… not being used, reusing. Anyway, I think we can all benefit from it.

Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

24 thoughts on “Get Used To It”

  1. Hehehe! Yes, about the used car and the napkins!

    But what about when you inadvertently get a mittful of them? Like when the restaurant employee jammed the dispenser so full (in a lame attempt to avoid having to continually fill it up) that when you grab one, a whole slew (a slew I tell you!) comes tumbling out. You have to take them, right? Or else they’ll just get thrown onto the floor or whatever. No one ever wants to pick up a loose napkin from a pile beside the dispenser and use it no matter how pristine it looks. What’s a gal to do?

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      1. You are hysterical. There is a lot of wasted toilet paper, now that you mention it. Napkins and toilet paper need to be made from a more renewable resource, like hemp, and then we and the trees can all be happy. Since I’m not about to take less of either when out in public places. Because: GERMS.

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  4. ‘Just come with me on my next date and take a big whiff.’ So true. Haha.
    I couldn’t help but think of that Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where he gets picked up by the police for taking too many napkins.

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