Live and Let Die
I swear, I’ve never wished death upon someone before… so soon after the last time.
You guys know how kind and compassionate I normally am, but what’s been happening recently… well, it’s just put me over the edge, and now I’m hoping someone dies.
I don’t normally hate on people. Sure I get frustrated and want them to suffer, but hate? That’s a strong word. So when I say I hate my fucking neighbors, I don’t really mean it. I’m just thoroughly disgusted with them, they make me sick, and I wish they’d fuck off and die. But I don’t hate them.
My previous neighbor was the best neighbor in the whole world (after me). She was an older, single lady; a retired teacher. She was quiet, respectful and we never heard each other. But two years ago she put her house up for sale and a dark foreboding washed over me. I knew the good times were over.
I started praying to Jesus: “Jesus, please, for fuck’s sake, please, please, please do not let assholes buy that house!” But I guess ‘ol JC was occupied that month because it fell on deaf ears. Listen, I know there’s a lot of shit going in the world right now, but I rarely ask him for anything except for the occasional “come into a bunch of money”. There’s nothing more important to me than my sanity and a big, fat bank account.
Well… a family moved in shortly after the house went up for sale. A family consisting of FOUR BOYS AND TWO FUCKING PARENTS!!
I cried, I screamed, I begged to know WHY this had to happen to ME, but there was no answer. I came to a solemn resignation. Then things became apparent very quickly, like the fact that this family is loud and obnoxious.
Did I mention they have a pool? I didn’t even know this until they moved in and started… started… splashing!
Turns out, the boys aren’t bad… not bad at all. In fact, they’re really quite well behaved and that’s because their parents rule them with an iron fist. They frequently berate, yell, taunt, and antagonize these poor kids. I feel really badly for them.
I feel more badly for me though.
I live in a lovely little detached guest house that sits back off the front of the property, so it wasn’t lined up with the surrounding houses.
Did I mention they decided to build an addition onto their already large house that runs the length of my beautiful little guest house and patio and ends… right… at… my… fucking… front… door? All the bedrooms are contained in this addition and their windows face my patio and the fence barely separates us from each other, so now it’s just like living in an apartment again.
Did I mention the dad cut down this beautiful tree that I would admire from my kitchen window? Every winter it would sprout bright red berries that the squirrels, rabbits and birds would eat, and every spring, it would burst into beautiful white flowers.
He was wielding a chainsaw and wearing orange safety goggles and hard hat as he cut it down with impunity. He looked like an evil character from a Stephen King novel… the goddamn ass wipe!
Who in the hot hell wears orange safety goggles?!
He stood high up on a ladder and I kept praying he would lean over too far lose his balance and fall off the ladder cutting his legs off with the chainsaw in the process then break his back upon landing on the hard ground rendering him unable to work so they wouldn’t be able to make their house payment and it would go into foreclosure then he would die of complications and the mom and kids would have to move and a friendly quiet older couple would move in and this is my dream.
Did I mention I bought corn the other day? Yeah, three ears of genetically modified corn. You may think this is a total non-sequitur but it’s directly related because normally, I would never buy something like that, which just goes to show how much this bastard family is affecting my life.
And I didn’t use punctuation in that paragraph about the death scene!
Can somebody help me?