Feelin’ Hot Hot Hot

Posted byClever GirlPosted infunny, humor, sarcasm, SatireTags:, , , , , , , , , ,

I have yellow fever.

No, I’m not into Asians in the sexual sense, unless you count food as porn, then I’m definitely into Asian sex. 

I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been eating a lot of Asian food… almost daily, and not the shitty Chinese take-out either. Wait, I take that back… I did have really shitty Chinese take-out a couple weeks ago but I’m trying to forget the experience. How can you fuck up rice and vegetables? Go to this restaurant, they’ll show you.

I’m seriously loving spicy, spicy food and Asians really know how to blow your fucking taste buds out of your mouth with the spicy: Vietnamese, Thai, Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Indonesian… all of it.

I think as I’m getting older, I’m losing my sense of taste (especially in men, but let’s not go there). Okay, let’s go there… there’s a very narrow scope of available men who have any sense of quality, integrity and looks, who are in my age group. Plus I live in suburban hell, so the good ones are married and have a bunch of kids, and who the hell wants that? 

Not me.

So I may or may not be seriously compromising my taste in men… I don’t know. I haven’t had a lot of action as far as dating, so I’ll have to get back to you on that one. 

So let’s get back to the deliciousness of spicy Asian food because it’s way better than sex: It’s not as messy and it tastes better… and it’s free…

ahem

No, I do not pay for sex.

Not only do I pay for sex, I watch it on video!

ahem

That’s not what I meant! I meant sex as in food, okay? Let’s not confuse the two. I pay for spicy Asian food (sex) and I watch it being prepared on the internet (porn). See? There’s a difference.

I don’t know if you knew, but there’s a bunch of fuckin’ weirdos out there who make these Asian food videos and there’s a bunch of fuckin’ weirdos who watch them.

Do you know what Mukbang is? (just Google it). It means Monster Eating in Korean and I’m totally obsessed! Whenever I feel like a fat pig, I watch these videos and I don’t feel so badly. 

There are the two Cambodian girls who live in the country and they eat everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. They eat every single part of whatever poor creature they’re preparing. I’m talking feet, innards, beaks… plus insects, reptiles… you name it. It’s gross; it’s truly horrible and disgusting and it’s like watching a train wreck; I can’t take my eyes off it. But it’s their culture, that’s what they eat. They’d probably be disgusted watching an American eat fast food full of sodium and preservatives.

Not me, by the way. I don’t eat that stuff. 

I’m not saying I’m perfect. Okay, I am saying I’m perfect… and better than you, because I’m a vegetarian… almost vegan, if you will. 

Mostly… sort of.

My fridge is full of spicy sauces, spreads, and pickles. Every time I see something that looks good, I’ll buy it. Now, is that strange considering I have the weakest digestive system on the planet? Maybe. But it doesn’t bother me for some reason. You know what bothers me? The fact that I can’t eat chocolate or ice cream without my digestive tract getting revenge. 

There are a lot of things that bother me, come to think of it. I’ll have to get back to you on that though. I’m hungry.

 

 

 

Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

29 thoughts on “Feelin’ Hot Hot Hot”

  3. All I can think of is an old joke I heard….”I eat at this German-Chinese restaurant and the food is delicious. The only problem is that an hour later you’re hungry for power.”

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  5. I love Asian food and I’m fortunate to live in a section of the city that has a high Asian population and, therefore, has a lot of authentic (as far as I can tell) Asian restaurants. That said, when I place my orders, I always ask for “mild.” Definitely not hot, hot, hot. If the food is real spicy, the top of my head starts to sweat and my throat tries to close up on me. I am not a fan of foods that are so spicy that they hurt going in…and going out. 🥵

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  6. It is kind of disturbing that we consider it entertainment to watch others eating. It IS a lot like sex porn. I’m waiting for Debby Does Dim Sum because, why not?

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  10. Love Asian cuisine. And I’ve plenty experience with people fucking up vegies and rice. Especially in Texas where the cooks are Mexican. Really. So what I look for now is the amount of local Asians dining there. If I stick out like a sore thumb, chances are the food is fabulous.

    OMG! Since you are very witty and if you’re like me (I talk back to YouTubers and I will curse at them from the safety of my side of the screen), I wonder what your thoughts would be on this self proclaimed “bohemian” living in Morocco cooking Moroccan dishes in the middle of nowhere. I mean… Is it really bohemian lifestyle if you’re carrying around tech and have lots of money to buy delicious ingredients?

    What’s your take? (I wouldn’t mind reading a post about it. Not just this but things similar.)

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGeNnbrPXNJb5wfUfdjaWag

    Holy shit! Sorry I wrote a book in here. Seems I’m needy for conversation! Lol!

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  11. Just so you know I’m not opposed to his lifestyle. He’s Korean living in Morocco. Left his country, delicious Korean fare, for this whole other life. Curiously. But it is great food porn and it makes me want tagine anything every day!

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