Have a Seat, Dumbass

I don’t know what you guys had planned last weekend, but I’d bet good money it wasn’t to be a dumb-ass. 

You know how I know this? No one ever plans on being a dumb-ass, it’s inadvertent (inherent for some, but that’s an entirely different post). It happens because of some choice or action which turns into a mistake. Not to say that every time someone makes a mistake, they’re a dumb-ass. We all make mistakes and it’s not to be looked down upon. 

But some mistakes do make you a dumb-ass; it’s a universal law, and just how much of a dumb-ass is determined on a sliding scale. Let’s say it’s from one to ten, with one being only a very slight mistake, so no dumb-ass, and ten being an oh boy, are you an ever-loving fucking dumb-ass… you dumb-ass! 

Hey, I don’t make this shit up.

Anyway, I don’t know if this happens to you, and if it does, whether you’re even aware of it, but have you ever had a thought about something that you wanted or needed, and then you let it go and kind of forgot about it, but then it shows up in your life? This happens to me frequently. Some call it coincidence, some call it the law of attraction, some, serendipity.  

Whatever thoughts one cultivates, their life experiences reflects those thoughts. If you have a positive mindset and tend to see things on the bright side, your life experiences will reflect that, and you will have mostly positive things happen in your life, where if you think life is shitty and full of assholes, more assholes will come into your life to make it more shitty and you’ll have negative experiences.

Personally, I can’t relate to the latter because I always see the glass as half full… or even, refillable.

“Get out of my way, asshole!”

Sorry, I’m driving while writing this and some dumb-ass is gesturing wildly in my direction. 

Where was I? Oh yes, a couple months ago I thought about how nice it would be to add a big, comfy chair to my room; somewhere I could sit and read instead of reading in bed, which always puts me to sleep, and as I was driving down my street, I saw a big, comfy chair sitting curbside with a sign on it that said: Free. 

Literally, this happened just days after my initial thought, it was amazing! The only thing was, the chair didn’t really match my decor, so I passed on it. Well lo and behold, a week later, I see another big, comfy chair in my neighborhood. Yes I’m totally serious! I passed on that one too though because I thought it was just a little too big.

Well after that, I was anticipating the next big, comfy chair coming into my life, but nothing happened. Zippo, zip, niente, nada.  

Then it occurred to me that the Universe had responded to my wish, but then I rejected it not once, but twice, so no more big, comfy chairs and I thought perhaps the Universe was giving me the finger for rejecting the first two. 

Well I let it go and hadn’t really thought about it since, until this past weekend, when I was perusing online garage sales and saw this big, comfy chair on sale for only twenty bucks, and I thought to myself “I’m going to get that chair before I fuck this up again.” I looked at is as a sign, and for twenty bucks, I’d be a dumb-ass to pass it up. I arranged to go look at it right away. 

It was big and comfy looking and although I really did not like the color (it was a poopy brown), I decided to take it because I didn’t want to piss off the Universe again, which I found out later, is not a good basis for making a decision. When I got home, I struggled to get this large, awkward chair onto my patio so I could vacuum it and remove the pillow covers for washing, then I struggled to get it into my bedroom and once it was there, that’s when I noticed the smell.

Note: Do not buy used furniture from people who have dogs.

I was looking at this shit-brown sofa chair sitting in my room, thinking “What the hell did I just do?” I tried to make the best of it. I thought once I wash the pillow covers, it would help with the smell, then I could buy a slipcover for the thing, which would hide the hideous color, and it would all work out just fine.

Well try sleeping in a small room with a piece of furniture that smells like a dog’s ass all night. 

That was it, it had to go. I would never get rid of the smell, it was all a big mistake, and the Universe was getting a big ‘ol laugh outta me. So the next morning I put the pillow covers back on, hauled the fucking thing out of my bedroom, and over to the local Goodwill store, the whole time praying they wouldn’t reject it because then what? Dump it somewhere? 

Well they took it, thank God (suckers) so it was gone, out of my life for good! However, the Goodwill store, no matter how much good will they offer, could never take away the fact that I was a dumb-ass.

Let me break it down for you: I paid twenty bucks to haul away someone’s shitty smelly chair for them, plus time and gas. 

On the dumb-ass scale, I’d rate this a solid fiver.