Do The Right Thing

Saturday night I was back in Hollywood to perform. It’s always an adventure going to Hollywood because you never know what you’re gonna get. There’s so much to see, and do… and smell.

Los Angeles has this image in the media of glitz and glamour, but it’s not glamorous when you see it up close. Firstly, it stinks of urine because people pee everywhere. It’s not just the homeless either, I’ve seen countless comedians whip out their dicks to pee outside… the disgusting little monkeys. The streets are filthy because it never rains in Southern California, so nothing gets washed off, the quality of residents has significantly decreased, and despite the exorbitant cost of living, people keep moving here in droves… and most likely end up homeless. 

Hollywood used to be an exciting part of the shithole I call L.A., but not anymore. Actually, parts of it were always rundown and crappy, but there was a time when some of it still held that magical glamour of old Hollywood, like the kind you see in Film Noir. I used to hang out on the Sunset Strip, which, back in the day, had a vibrant scene. Now it’s just a tacky version of its old self. 

Even the homeless have attitude. Don’t get me wrong, I love the homeless, I really have a soft spot for them. Whenever I exit the freeway and see them standing on the corner with their signs asking for money, I always roll down my window and hand them a couple… trash bags, and tell them if they want to make money, they should clean up a little, make their area nice and presentable. 

You guys ever rate the homeless? You know, size them up to see if they deserve the money? I do. If they look like they just got a haircut… hmmm, probably not gonna give ‘em anything, but if they don’t have shoes on, they’re gonna get a fiver.

After I left the club, I promised a friend that I’d stop by his place. He’s a long time comic so I wanted to pick his brain. When I pulled up his address on my navigation, I saw he lived in a really nice area. On the way over, I saw this giant billboard that read “Gentrification in California Sucks” which is a very thought provoking statement, don’t you think?… and the thought it provoked for me was “Well, not if you’re white.” and I also thought “Isn’t it ironic this billboard is in one of the nicest sections of Los Angeles?” 

I arrived at my comedian friend’s house and as soon as I entered, I was overcome by the stench of what I could only describe as tear gas. Now, I’ve never been bombed before because I’m Caucasian, but I would imagine this is what tear gas would smell like if I were bombed. Turns out it was only his dog.  

His dog stank so badly, it permeated the entire house. It was so bad, the smell stuck on me until I got home and stripped off my clothes. Come to think of it, I never saw any dog. Maybe it wasn’t a dog at all, maybe that was a total assumption on my part. Maybe his dog is dead and he just keeps it around because he can’t bring himself to get rid of it. I should probably give him the number to my taxidermist, just in case. 

My friend is what you’d refer to as “someone you could really take advantage of”. He’s not mentally strong enough for a grown woman like myself; I could eat him for breakfast. For some reason, I’m really good at seeking out the weak, and if I weren’t the kind of person I am, I could really fuck up their lives. I mean, c’mon, who hasn’t thought of taking advantage of someone before? It would be like ignoring the ripest fruit on the tree. 

There are some people out there who, when they encounter a weak person, crush ‘em like a tomato without hesitation, but I’m not like that at all. I mean, not face to face. I’ll do it on my blog like a normal person, but I can’t look someone in the eye while crushing them, it’s too painful for me. That’s because I have what you call “self-restraint”, “good genes” and a “moral obligation”, whatever the fuck that means. 

I just love it when I do the right thing, you know?

Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

31 thoughts on “Do The Right Thing

  1. Being from the east, and never having ventured to Cali… I admit to being disappointing everything smells like piss. I mean, we have enough urine covered homeless here, I don’t need to waste airfare money for that…
    Yes, you have palm trees, but I’m guessing someone probably pissed on them as well.


    1. I’m not the best person to get an overall opinion perhaps. I’ve never been a fan of L.A. There are so many places to visit in So Cal that are fantastic though. The entire state is really incredible. It’d be like saying don’t go to New Jersey because of Newark.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My best friend moved to W. Hollywood for a short time. I was expecting men in suits and women dressed like Rita Hayworth all over the place. When I arrived, I was walking down La Brea and there was this guy with his pants down around his ankles and peeing. My fantasy about Hollywood ended that night.


  3. I’ve always wanted to go to see The Dodgers…and different sites…but I’m from Nashville…I would feel like Beaver Cleaver in the Underworld.
    I will make it out though… I like the old silent movie history and I would like to see what is left of some places.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My best friend decided to go out to California, become a prostitute ala Pretty Woman and then marry Richard Gere. She came back 5 years later married to a teacher with child in tow. Since then, I’ve lost my faith in the promise of California! Mona


  5. No, don’t shatter my dreams of a wonderful land called Hollywood! Although being from a small town I would be so overwhelmed by a city that size I will probably never make it there to visit. Vegas I would consider going to, but (especially now) Hollywood has lost it’s glamour to an older wiser me.


  6. Southern California isn’t on my list. I spent a summer there in the early 80’s with my grand parents and loved it then, but I don’t think I’ll go back. Hey, I bet you were one of the girls Motley Crue sang about–hanging out on the Sunset Strip.


    1. Since I don’t like L.A., I’m not mentioning the good things, but So Cal has it’s appeal, that’s why I live here.

      Um, yeah… I used to hang on The Strip during the heyday of big hair bands, including Motley Crue. I was a good girl though. I didn’t party with wild bands like them. If you read their book, The Dirt, you’ll know why. It’s a page turner, for sure. My friend, Val, is mentioned in the book. Her husband (at the time) was the singer that replaced Vince Neil for a short time.


      Liked by 1 person

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