Food For Thought

Posted byClever GirlPosted infunny, Funny Blog, humor, sarcasm, truthTags:, , , , , , , ,

I’m not having a good day.

I’m feeling so crummy right now, I wish I never got out of bed. In fact, the whole world can all go suck it!

I’m in a real quandary because I’m not normally like this. My outlook is usually so bright, and cheery, but this morning… nah.

I nearly ran over this old guy and I didn’t even care, that’s how bad this is.

I was about to turn onto the road and I was looking to my left for any oncoming cars, but I forgot to look to my right, and as I started turning, I see this old guy standing at the corner with this grimace on his face. Apparently he was irritated I didn’t see him, and I got startled because I didn’t expect to see some moron standing there.

So I waved a “sorry”, you know, that little hand gesture you wave to someone, acknowledging their presence and that you’re sorry you almost ran their sorry-ass over? Yeah, one of those. But he just stood there with this shitty look on his face, like he was expecting something more. Of what, I have no idea, because a wave was all I had, I didn’t have anything else to give to the old fucker.

What the hell else do you want, dude? Do you want a written apology? How about ten bucks, would that work? What about if I say I’ll never do it again? which would be stupid because I would never commit to something so stupid like that, so why are you still standing there with that look on your face?

And anyway, why, since you saw me coming and I didn’t see you, didn’t you just walk around the back of my car and keep going on your walk, so that it wouldn’t have mattered that I didn’t see you?

I’ll tell you why: because he’s a fucking moron, that’s why. Because people like that don’t want to take responsibility for themselves, they’d rather play the victim so they can blame the other person for making their life just that much more difficult.

Shall I go on? I think so.

Because for him walk around the back of my car to avoid any mishaps would mean he wouldn’t have anything to be angry about. It would mean his morning walk went off without a hitch, and then what would he have to complain about?

I sped off, tires screeching.

You know, when I’m feeling this crummy, all I want to do is console myself with something yummy to eat. Experts refer to this as “emotional eating” and I refer to it as: Shut the fuck up and let me eat whatever I want, you morons, why do you have to put a label on everything?

Anyway, I wanted to get a delicious deli sandwich from this particular Italian deli, but the problem is, they always have a long line and it takes forever to get your order. Okay, these are really delicious sandwiches, so I can understand that, but I didn’t want to drive over there and wait.

So, I thought I’d be smart by calling ahead, but I got a busy signal, so I hung up and dialed the number again. But again, I got a busy signal. I got nervous as dialed once more, my palms growing sweaty, my breath deepening, and my heart beating quickly… what if I never get through? But I finally did… only to be put on hold… damn it!

No music whatsoever, just blank on the other end. And as I was waiting, I started to worry that I wouldn’t be connected at all, that I’d be on an eternal, no-music hold while all the people who actually waited in line, got their sandwiches, one after another, until there were no more sandwiches.

But finally someone got on the phone to take my order and by then, I was so thankful, I didn’t yell or scream… I cried… tears of joy, and I blubbered my delicious sandwich order into the phone.

Vegetarian sub, if you must know.

Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

29 thoughts on “Food For Thought”

  2. Hope you’re feeling better soon, CG!
    I once almost hit a guy in a motorized wheelchair, so don’t feel too bad.
    I was waiting to turn right (on a red, legal here) and looking to the left at approaching traffic. The pedestrian walk symbol was flashing “DO NOT WALK” as I was sitting there so was not expecting to have anyone attempt to cross in front of me. The traffic cleared and as I turned right and entered the street he was starting to leave the sidewalk to cross and started yelling at me. I know I wasn’t doing anything wrong and he was trying to cross illegally but I still felt like shit for not seeing him (as I pulled out and he had to stop his chair, so as to not collide with me.) Sheesh, people!

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  3. “Experts refer to this as “emotional eating” and I refer to it as: Shut the fuck up and let me eat whatever I want, you morons, why do you have to put a label on everything?” Priceless. I will have to remember this one next time someone tries to label something I’m enjoying.

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  4. “on an eternal, no-music hold while all the people who actually waited in line, got their sandwiches”
    I swear they do that on purpose…so when you finally get through you would be happy with a slap in the face by then…
    Great post as always

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  5. Entitled pedestrians.

    Just imagine that he lost his wallet. Which contained his insurance card. Then he couldn’t pick up his blood pressure med. The rest is up to you . . .

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  6. If there was a delicious vegetarian sub at the end of it all, the day wasn’t completely lost. Almost, but not completely. I don’t think I want to know what kind of day you’d have to have in order to console yourself with a delicious veggie pizza. I don’t want to find out, I like you too much for that.

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    1. CG,
      A good meal, especially an anticipated meal one has been craving, can go a long way in smoothing out the rough edges of a bad day. It’s so much better than having to clean off a moron’s blood from your front grill and/or rear lights on those occasions when one has to put it in reverse and hit him again! Hope your weekend’s better! Mona

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  10. Actually, a lot of us are feeling this way right now. It has something to do with the energy and it can be quite painful. I feel very- what I call- being disconnected. Not depressed, just nothing. I’ve been stuffing my face with dark chocolate.

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