What do quilts, masturbation and driving have in common?
I don’t know but let me tell you about my shopping experience.
If there’s one place I feel the squeeze of overpopulation (besides the freeways), it’s at a local shopping center. This one is particularly annoying because of the layout: the only two entrances are each situated on busy streets, so there are always tons of people pushing and crowding into its parking lot. Clearly, whoever designed the center died before statistics of population growth were published.
I wish I could avoid it altogether, but I can’t since that’s where I go to buy a particular brand of cat food from the only pet store that carries it (cat people will understand this).
The shopping center contains Joann Fabrics, Tuesday Morning, Home Goods and Marshall’s clothing store, all in one place. This may mean nothing to some of you if you don’t recognize them, but they’re all popular, corporate, suburban shops for the criminally mundane. They draw all the women in town, especially Joann Fabrics.
Do we really need so many goddamn quilts ladies? Don’t you have anything fucking better to do? Is sewing what your life has amounted to? Do you really need those chocolates you plucked off the shelf by the cash register?
For the amount of women that go into that store to buy fabric or what have you, you’d think there would be more unique and fashionably dressed people around, but nope… everybody looks the same, and since they all sew quilts, it leads me to suspect there’s some history of incest in this town; we may very well be the Arkansas of the west coast.
People from Arkansas, do not email me.
Look, there’s no denying there were a lot of poor mountain folk in the Ozarks sewing quilts who never left their small towns and married people who may or may not have been their first or second cousin. They even made a movie about them, so it has to be factual.
Wait, did I just hear a banjo?
Anyway, back to Joann Fabrics: that store is the main offender because sooo many women go in and out of it all day long… in, out, in, out, in, out. If they were doing more of that activity at home, they wouldn’t be wasting their time at Joann Fabrics, I’ll tell you that much! And if there were any sewing of quilts it’d be because the old ones got stains on them, not because it was some sick hobby.
And by the way, who in the holy hell thought putting chocolates by the registers of all the stores where women shop would be a good idea and not insulting to our intelligence? Because that’s what they do now; put chocolate in every line up to the cash register. It’s not enough we try to fulfill our empty lives by shopping for crap we don’t need at poorly designed shopping centers, now we need chocolate to placate ourselves further?
Do you see fish bait at registers where men shop? No! That’s because… hmm, that’s not a really good example, is it? I mean, not all men go fishing. Okay, let me rephrase it: Do you see porn at all the registers where men shop?
Come to think of it, yeah! They have those dirty magazines at the counters of liquor stores, which is where all men shop… isn’t it? I don’t know, it’s been so long since I’ve had a man, I can’t be completely sure. Sounds right anyway; drink some whiskey, look at porn, wiggle your noodle.
But back to the annoying shopping center, the easiest entrance for me logistically is right next to Joann Fabrics, but I discovered there is a route that runs behind the back of the stores, you know, where the trucks go to make their deliveries, so I just pull in, drive around to the back and make my way to the opposite end where the pet food store is, avoiding the riffraff in the process.
It’s not foolproof though. Upon leaving the other day, I was almost at the exit when some yahoo cuts in front of me from the side. I hate when people do that! You all know the type: the driver with the “me first” mentality. They see you coming but they can’t wait two fucking seconds, so they cut right in front of you because they need to be first, even though you have the right of way.
When I caught up with the greedy bastard, I had to see what type of animal would do that to a lady, so I unrolled my window, and wouldn’t you know it? It was a Millennial Bro! I tried to give him a dirty look, but he beamed this roguish grin at me, which was his way of acknowledging his assholeness, and I just couldn’t be mad anymore, which made me even more frustrated!
But as he sped off, I came to the realization that he was likely rushing home from his “shopping”, if you know what I mean…
…probably makes quilts, too.