Only Women Bleed

Posted byClever GirlPosted infunny, Funny Blog, humor, rant, sarcasm, Satire, truthTags:, , , , , , , , , , , ,

You guys probably don’t know this about me, but I have a serious physical disability.

It’s been really difficult, so I don’t really like to talk about it. But I’ve concluded that if I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable, to open up and share with you people a very profound part of me, then how can I be an inspiration to other fucked up handicaps?

If you saw me in person, it wouldn’t be immediately apparent. For instance, I don’t have to use a wheelchair or crutches or anything, but it’s still a serious physical disability. It’s called Menopause.

When this first happened to me, I was very upset because I knew what struggles lay ahead… and if you don’t, just Google it. I know, I know, you’re probably thinking “How can you be upset that you’re not fucking bleeding once a month anymore?” and I’m here to tell you, it was so much more than that. 

For instance, I could use it as an excuse to get out of, well, pretty much anything. Especially work, exercise, and sex. I could use it as revenge. I could use it to mark my territory, like with a boyfriend; I could easily leave a smudge on his jeans, or wallet, or sock, so everyone understood that, yeah, he’s mine.

Look, periods have meaning, period.

I should have seen it coming, I had all the symptoms: weight gain, hot flashes, an unusual fascination with anything cat related. Like I’m obsessed with watching cat videos because not only are they entertaining, they’re really educational. Have you guys seen the one with the cat that gets caught on the ceiling fan and is spun around and around until it gets flung off and thrown across the room? I learned a lot from that one and so did my cat. 

I just can’t get enough of cats, I even went out and bought hand towels with cats on them. Not only that, if I don’t stay on top of my semi-annual Botox injections, I’ll have resting Grumpy Cat face. 

I’m in deep.

I just want you to know I didn’t take this lightly. As soon as I got diagnosed, I did the responsible thing and immediately went to the DMV to get my handicapped placard. 

I always do the right thing.

I’ve discovered once you’re in Menopause, you’re automatically banned from the opposite sex, did you know that? Men want nothing to do with me. It’s like I have leprosy or something. I guess I’m not desirable anymore just because I’m handicapped… how fucking rude! Okay, so I have some gravitational pull on my tits too, big deal. It’s not like I look like a dog that’s had several litters. However, every time I jog, I get slapped in the face by two water balloons. 

Which is bullshit because I’m willing to tolerate everything that’s wrong with a man… starting with his own sagging body parts; two used wet tea bags and matching coffee stirrer (they come in a set). I am truly perplexed as to why men choose to ignore their own disabilities while judging a woman’s. 

I’ll have you know, this isn’t my first time at the handicap rodeo, I have other physical disabilities that have affected me my entire life: being a woman, chubby, and blonde. But despite my physical limitations, I’m still mentally strong!… sort of. I mean, sure I have some issues like forgetfulness, suicidal thoughts, and then there’s the cat thing… but nothing a little medication could probably take care of, if I were interested in that sort of thing.

But hell, who’s got the inclination for that crap, huh? I certainly don’t. I hear it just numbs you and turns you into a zombie fuck. Well, screw that, I say! Unlike my body, I need my brain to work at full capacity in order to navigate this thing called “life”. 

 

 

Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

41 thoughts on “Only Women Bleed”

  1. ‘two used wet tea bags and matching coffee stirrer (they come in a set)’ 😂. So funny. And true. I never could understand why so many men of all shapes and sizes and ages feel they have a right to pass judgement on women’s bodies. It’s not like they’re ‘God’s gift’ in most cases either. I wonder how they’d feel if they were judged in the same way? 🤔

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  2. Preach, sister! A full hysterectomy threw me into menopause 4 years ago and damn. You name it, I got it.. all at once. Hot flashes that feel like I’m sitting on the surface on the sun, weight gain, fatigue, night sweats, insomnia, brain fogs… good God, if this is the tale end of being a woman? I’ll turn in my card. They say some women experience symptoms for 10-15 years. I only have one thing to say about that…. kill me now.

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  5. Straight up funny; no two ways about. I’ve been praying for menopause since I was 32 – you may have have just changed that. I’m ahead of the game; I’m a cat owner *and* I have the water balloons you spoke of. I’m not ready to quit “marking” my territory, however. Thanks for a truly honest laugh. 😉

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  7. I dreaded menopause after seeing what my mother and grandmother went through and complained about, and after reading an article that said Dutch women have the worst menopause symptoms – both parents were Dutch. So when I actually went through it, I thought: “Is that all? Not great, but not that bad.” I took a herbal supplement that knocked down the hot flashes to a reasonable 1-2 per day and for the rest did nothing special but cut myself a lot of slack in the brain fog department.
    I remember when I was much younger that my dad had this on a sign
    hung in his bar. It read:

    Reasons to love women over 40: they don’t tell, they don’t yell, they don’t swell, and they’re grateful as hell.

    I don’t know what about that plate appealed to him other than he and mom were over 40 by then. He may have gotten it as a gag birthday gift – I don’t know. It was a much different time. But one thing hasn’t changed: older men still think they are hot stuff and can attract 20 year olds. Yeah, maybe 20 year olds who have daddy issues (either legit or of the sugar variety). If only the confidence of these men could be bottled and used to combat climate change….sigh….I’m glad not to be pestered by men anymore but for those that would like male companionship still, I feel for ya!

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      1. Like I said, it was a different time. Not that mens’ attitudes have changed towards older women, but now it’s not socially acceptable to advertise that they think our last fuckable day has passed once we hit a certain age.

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  10. Ah, the pros and cons of hormones. If only we could get rid of the things we hate and keep the things we like. Personally for me, things went downhill after having two kids. I’ve always admired women with great genes or great discipline, those who could get back in the jeans they wore pre-pregnancy. Of course mine were acid-washed, high-waisted jeans. Soooo….yeah. Mona

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  12. Laughed out loud…thanks. I’m finding that online I get a lot of attention…then you mention the grandchildren just to see what the effect is… I don’t want a young man…it would be like having a pet and yet many of the older men are…like you say… body partner conscious…or married or both!

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    1. It’s a sad truth. I’ve seen a few acquaintances who are in their fifties and sixties get married recently tho, and although I don’t want to get married again, I love that there is hope for love in the the third act of life!

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      1. You never know, one of my friends has married a much younger man, a waiter whom she met on holiday in Egypt …the cliche seems to totally avoid her… I have a crush on someone which is rather nice but distance is against me. But the possibility is enthralling.

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