I just want you to know I’ve properly kicked off the fall season and upcoming Holidays by eating an entire loaf of pumpkin bread from Trader Joe’s don’t judge me.
No, not all at once… what type of chubby, middle-aged woman do you take me for?
Before I start, I just want to say: fuck pumpkin spice. Why is it every year around the start of Autumn does everything that’s known to man have to be flavored and/or scented with Pumpkin Fucking Spice?
The most disgusting thing ever created by man, the Pumpkin Spice Latte, has its own Twitter account and my questions is: how savage do things have to get?!
I know I’ve said this before, but I hate cinnamon. It’s cloying, it makes me gag, and it overpowers whatever you mix it with, so instead of a nuanced blend of flavors, all you get is a mouthful of cinnamon… blech! Why even bother making a chocolate dessert if you’re going to ruin it with cinnamon? Why destroy the delicate flavor of fruit if you’re just going to douse it with cinnamon?… unless it’s an apple pie?
Cinnamon is only good for one thing: toothpicks. And some Moroccan dishes… and cinnamon rolls.
Yes, I realize that’s two things. I mean, three things. Actually four if you count the apple pie.
Yes, there are cinnamon-flavored toothpicks, and those are delicious. No, not to eat, to chew on.
There are certain things that go together and certain things that don’t. Cinnamon is tree bark (did y’all know that?), so it makes sense to put it onto a wooden toothpick, but why on earth are you putting tree bark on desserts, chocolate and coffee?!
Look, it would be safe to assume most of you love sex, right? But you don’t have sex in church because the two don’t go together. Unless you’re a priest. What I’m trying to say is, there’s a time and place for everything and that goes for cinnamon too.
Anyway, back to the pumpkin bread. It’s a box mix from Trader Joe’s that’s only available around this time of year, and it sells out very quickly, and once they run out they don’t restock it, it’s gone until next year. Part of the problem is, it’s very easy to make and it’s even easier to eat; this stuff is addictive. I like to add walnuts and raisins to mine because when at all possible, I like to cram as much deliciousness into anything food, as possible (that’s bad English right there).
Anyway, I ate the entire loaf in a few days (meaning two) and the only thing that saved me from being the ultimate porker, was a friend stopping by and eating two slices that I purposely made extra big so I wouldn’t feel so guilty about eating the rest of it.
You know, the loaf is really not that big, is what I told myself as I was licking the crumbs out of the empty baking dish. I was just lucky I didn’t have any butter sitting around because then I’d really be in trouble. I vowed many years ago I was never going to buy their pumpkin bread mix again because I always eat the entire thing, but I was weakened this past weekend *snicker*
I succumbed to Trader Joe’s evil empire of pumpkin bread. If you want to go buy yourself some, it’s in a bright orange box, you can’t miss it. I highly suggest adding some hazelnuts or pecans to it if you don’t like walnuts, which I wouldn’t understand because why dislike something so innocuous as the walnut?
Anyway, I know what you’re gonna say… “Doesn’t the pumpkin bread have cinnamon in it?” and my response is: “Aww, it’s okay, pumpkin.