Send in the Clowns
Something irritated the hell out of me yesterday.
My boss was telling me what he had for breakfast, he had a slice of apple pie, a banana and some sashimi, but instead of saying “sashimi”, as it is properly pronounced, he said “shashimi” and I nearly spit up my kombucha.
It took all my strength not to correct him, mostly because I need to let clowns be clowns but also, I was certain he would continue to pronounce it incorrectly because he’s stubborn and wouldn’t like the fact I corrected him, therefore continuing to bastardize the word. There’s nothing more I hate than someone who mispronounces a word and then is passive aggressive about it.
That’s not true, there are plenty of things I hate more than that, but that one’s up there.
Sure, it seems benign, but it’s not. If you want to label misuse of the English language as benign… okay in this case it’s Japanese, but whatever… if you want to say it’s nothing to get so worked up about, you couldn’t be more wrong! Words have to be properly pronounced, spelled correctly and applied in grammatically correct form, otherwise, where are we as a nation, under Dog… I mean, God… indivisible, with liberty and justice for all?!
That right there is a misuse of the English language. It should read “… with liberty and justice for all, as long as you have lots of money and political connections, otherwise you’re fucked.”
I suppose I should be more disgusted with what he ate for breakfast: apple pie, a banana AND raw fish? That’s disgusting! I can imagine how his stomach felt (and by the looks of it, not happy). How could someone have such little respect for breakfast that they would defame it in such a manner, and then brag about it like they did something extraordinary?
Because he was clearly proud of himself. He stood there reciting his meal like he was telling his mommy how he held his weenie and peed in the toilet without getting any on the floor, his face aglow and a twinkle in his eyes. It was like he was waiting for me to say, “What a good boy!”
Now I can’t decide what’s more disgusting.
I can only imagine some poor Japanese chef when my boss goes into his establishment to eat and refers to him as the “shushi chef who makes shashimi.” The Japanese have a very precise and dignified culture of respect and honor, and to have some fuzzy American come in and bastardize, not only their language, but also the chopshticks, the shoy shauce, the washabi, and everything else… is horrible. We already dropped a nuclear bomb on them, now this?!
You know what I wanna do when someone does shit like that? I wanna punch them in the face. But first, I want them to don a clown costume. Yeah, that’s right, a clown costume with a wig, full face of makeup, red nose, big, clumpy shoes, the whole bit… you know, like Ronald McDonald, who perfectly represents the “… with liberty and justice for all, as long as you have lots of money and political connections, otherwise you’re fucked” credo.
Then I wanna thrust my fist into their big, fat noses and watch as their smug expression gets smashed off the side of their face, a long string of gooey saliva flinging out the side of their mouth… all in slow motion complete with sound effects. For instance, the nose making a honking sound as my fist connects.
Actually, what’d be even more appropriate is if I smacked him across the face with a giant salmon… you know, on account of the whole sashimi thing.
What? Is that not normal? Because I implore you to find someone who’s never wanted to punch someone in the face before. Okay, maybe not with a fish while they’re wearing a clown costume… although with almost eight billion people here on earth, I can’t possibly be the only one. Just think about how many people would love to punch what represents corporate America in the face.