Hot Sauce

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that most of us single women are sick and tired of dating and all the work that’s involved.

That’s a no-brainer.

It takes a lot of time and effort for not a lot of return. As the proverbial saying goes, “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your Prince Charming”. Well ladies, you’re in luck! I’ve come up with an effective vetting system that’s been personally tested, over and over and over… pant, wheeze… and over again, and it’s based on one simple principle: The type of take-out food the guy orders correlates exactly with how he treats women.

If a guy doesn’t spend a lot of time thinking about what he puts into his body, do you think he’s going to spend a lot of time thinking about what he puts into yours? Uhhh, what I mean is, if he doesn’t take care of himself, he’s not gonna take care of you either. If he eats a lot of shitty fast food, well, “You are what you eat”. 

I’ve discovered that you can rate what kind of man you’re dating solely by the take-out sauce packets he has in his kitchen. I know, sounds too simple, but remember: KISS. No, no, no… not your favorite rock bank from the eighties… it’s an acronym, Keep It Simple, Stupid.

Let’s start with his kitchen: He’s gotta have one… and it’s gotta be his own, not his mother’s. Once you’ve established that, you’ll need to do some investigating, so start opening drawers. How do you snoop around without it being obvious? Easy. Well, the way you get into his drawers *snicker* is by bringing over a bottle of wine and conveniently forgetting a wine opener. That way, you have an excuse to go into the kitchen to look for one.

You’ll know you’ve found what you’re looking for when you get to the drawer that has nothing in it but some crumbs, a book of matches, a plastic fork, and some napkins. Bingo! This is where he would keep the take-out sauce packets. 

And if there aren’t any, you ask? Don’t panic, that’s a good thing. It means he doesn’t keep them for ten years like some men, and/or doesn’t get take-out that often, which means he knows how to cook (bonus!!!) Hang on, before making that assumption, check his fridge to see if he’s actually savvy enough to store them in there. If there are none, there is a slight possibility his mother still cooks for him. If she does, I strongly suggest reconsidering the relationship; guys like that, have sex with their socks on.

If he does have take-out sauce packets in his fridge, carefully remove them using oven mitts or a set of tongs… you don’t want to touch them with bare hands. Take note of what kind of sauce packets they are. Are they taco sauce packets from Taco Bell?


Yes I’m serious, have some self-respect! Make an excuse, it doesn’t matter if it’s believable or not, you’ll never see him again. If you can’t identify where the sauce packets are from, they may be from a restaurant that delivers, which could be a really good sign: He orders something decent from a local joint, like the Thai place a few blocks over.

Take another gander in the fridge. Does he have large bottles of ketchup, mayo, yellow mustard, and a corresponding package of Oscar Mayer bologna? He’s a fucking savage and great in the sack, so have sex with him, but don’t hitch him to your trailer. The only thing you can expect with this guy over the weekends is a lot of meat sandwiches on shitty bread while you sit on the sofa to watch the game. No amount of great fucking is worth that. 

If you see a basket of fresh strawberries, some champagne and imported cheeses, with a pepper grinder and an espresso maker on the counter, you’ve just scored! No, not a romantic partner, a gay best friend! And hey, sometimes that’s better than a boyfriend anyway.

Pass the hot sauce, hot stuff.


Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

31 thoughts on “Hot Sauce

  1. Now wait one minute! While I don’t have an espresso maker, I do have fine wine and cheese in my home at all times – strawberries being seasonal and optional – and I’m straight. 😀 I think that you’ve omitted the biggest indicator for worthiness – it’s the freezer. Has the ice cream dried out? Are there frozen french fries scattered on the bottom of the freezer? Is there a box of fabric softener sheets in the freezer? (subsequently, is there a box of waffles in the laundry room?). 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Ha ha ha ha ha ha HAAAA! I love your dating rants, Clever Girl! I’m so grateful I’ll never have to worry about dating again. Even if I do outlive The Boss, which is highly unlikely, or she eventually wises up and leaves me, I’ll be too damned old & cranky to try to train someone else or let her train me. It’ll just be me, some mineral oil, good porn, and whiskey, whiskey, whiskey ’til I die!


  3. Oh, wow. Thanks, Clever Girl! Thank you for the breaking the code and sharing the secrets for what a woman looks for.
    This is going to be babe-alicious, if you can catch my drift.
    Let’s see.
    1. Thai sauce packets. Check.
    2. Oscar Mayer bologna. Check.
    3. Various cheesy condiments. Meh. Let them know what a real savage you are!
    4. Tongs. Don’t ask me. She’s the one that wants tongs.
    Strategically place packets from street to bedroom door so that grownup Gretel can find them. Handel gets to stay home with the kids.
    Oh, man. This is going to be good.
    Checks front door.
    Crickets chirping.
    Sun rise.
    Mebbe I should’ve used Hoisin sauce instead?


  4. Eh, if there’s an espresso maker, strawberries, fresh champagne and imported cheese it means he knew he’d have “company” that weekend. If there’s *just* the espresso maker and imported cheese, then he has good taste. If there’s both of those…and some Thai place duck sauce *and some Taco Bell wrappers…he’s up for trying anything once (in and out of the kitchen ;-)) If there is all of the above, plus some slightly moldy strawberries from a recent attempt at “date night” he totally forgot about and the cheese is homemade, he might just be my Partner :-p

    Liked by 1 person

  5. What would you make of somebody who has no hot sauce packets but a pantry full of hot sauce bottles (which he never stores in the refrigerator, because hot sauce – like a fine red wine – must never be chilled)?


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: