Oh Bob!

I’ve been going to bed with a man every night for the past two weeks. 

I know, I know… I really surprised myself too. I never thought I’d be attracted to a man with his physical appearance and character but when I saw how he moved and heard the way he spoke, I couldn’t help myself, it was instant attraction. 

We haven’t missed a single night together once in the two weeks we’ve been at it, and I gotta say, it feels amazing! He’s got this demeanor about him that is very relaxing to be around.  He has a soothing voice and likes to speak in subdued tones; it drives me crazy! To be honest, it’s really surprising because he’s a total hick from Florida… and we all know how fucking weird Florida is. 

Florida is the armpit of the United States, and I say that with the utmost respect. Listen, I lived there for a year, so I know.  I lived in south Florida though, big difference. It’s much easier to admit.

The entire state is a collection of the worst part of the United States and the Caribbean. It’s overflowing with drug dealers, prostitutes, thieves, scam artists, corrupt cops, gamblers, runaways, nefarious athletes and porn stars… with a sprinkling of the famous and the elite. At the same time, it has the most beautiful white, sandy beaches, turquoise waters and balmy temperatures. Like I said, weird. 

But I’m not here to discuss Florida, I’m here to wax poetic about the man I go to bed with every night.

His name is Bob. I realize that name is not very poetic, especially when screamed out loud (go ahead, try it). Bob is a good name for some guy who’s probably a window washer out of Kentucky or sells insurance. 

People from Kentucky and Florida, do not email me.

He’s got wild hair too; it’s a ‘fro. To and fro, get it? snicker* snort* 

ahem…

I’m serious, his hair is styled in a ‘fro: a bro-fro. He dresses pretty groovy in tight jeans, a long sleeve button down dress shirt and sometimes wears a gold chain. He’s very artistic. God, I can’t believe I’d be attracted to a goofball throw-back like him, but I am. He’s got a hick accent too, which is perplexing because normally I have to plug my ears and scream when I hear that shit.

I’m willing to overlook his yakkety-yak because he’s very talented with his hands… mmmm yeah… he has the best strokes! 

Did I mention he’s dead? Oh sorry, yeah, he’s dead… died in the 90s.

I watch him on YouTube. It’s Bob Ross, the painter guy who had a show on the public broadcasting stations back in the Eighties, remember him? He had the most successful show in public television history and he became legendary. Now he has this huge following online. I love to watch him paint and listen to his soothing voice so I bring him to bed with me. Watching him relaxes me and puts me to sleep.

Wait, what the hell did you guys think I was talking about?

Anyway, you should try him out sometime.

Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

28 thoughts on “Oh Bob!

  1. You almost had me there, Clever Girl. I was just starting to think, “who are you and what have you done with our Clever Girl” after the 2nd paragraph, but then I thought, “no, no, she’s yanking on our chains”. I’m glad you didn’t let me down, although I’m still eager for the day I’ll be able to celebrate your happiness when it finally comes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. lol… gotcha!

      I’m laughing at the last sentence you wrote. It can read in a couple different ways.

      My happiness is already here, I provide that for myself. However, a man would be an awesome addition to my already great life. Will I share it in my blog? Hmm, not sure about that one 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My son only wears crazy socks, and he has three pairs of Bob Ross. He loves when somebody actually knows who he is. My son is 16, the fact that anyone his age knows who Bob Ross is an acknowledgement of Bob’s legendary status.

    Like

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