Putting the Squeeze On

I refuse to allow myself to be tortured any longer!

Do you realize I’ve been tortured since I was a budding teenager? Well, of course you wouldn’t. 

I’ve been subjected to one torture contraption or another most of my life, and that’s saying a lot because that’s been a really, really, really long tim… 

No it hasn’t.

I’m talking about undergarments, people. You know, bras. Well, other things too, but let’s start with the bra; that horrible, uncomfortable, unnatural, unnecessary thing I’ve been putting on every single day of my life. 

Those awful things are solely designed to torture woman for the benefit of man. Supposedly. I mean, I can’t be absolutely sure the bra has benefitted man, I can only guess. But my guess is an educated one: If a man gets a hard on looking at a woman wearing a bra, I would consider that a benefit. 

Come to think of it, that would be a benefit for both men and women… which is not helping my argument of how awful it is to wear a bra! I would probably wear a bra in order to have a man get a hard on that would lead to get sex, I’m not stupid. But that’s different because then I’d get something out of it, and besides, what the hell am I supposed to do with all these lacy bras, just throw them out?! That would be silly, I…

Where was I going with this? 

Anyway, when I was a pre-teen, I naively couldn’t wait to wear a bra; it was what I looked forward to most heading into my girlhood. Well, that and sticking my tongue down the throat of the neighbor boy who lived down the street.

Hormones.

Now that I’m looking back on it, how silly was it of me to look forward to binding my breasts with that awful contraption at such an early age, because bras are very uncomfortable. Pfsst… that’s an understatement. Saying bras are uncomfortable is like saying the Pope is Catholic… or is it Jewish? Oh God, I can’t remember. Whatever, let me put it to you this way: saying bras are uncomfortable is like saying the sun is yellow.  

I’ve had to wear a bra every single day of my life, can you imagine? Not you women, I know you can imagine, I’m talking to the men here. No, you can’t imagine because you don’t have breasts that you’ve had to stuff inside a metal-framed piece of fabric that unnaturally pushes your boobs up towards your chin… because you don’t have boobs. 

Maybe you have moobs, which is not the same thing. No shame in having moobs by the way, I’m just trying to make a point, one of which is men shouldn’t have nipples!

Well uhh, what I mean to say is… let me describe what it’s like for you: imagine having to wear a metal-framed codpiece around your balls which pushes them up towards your belly button, and you have to wear it every day of your life because society deems it proper and/or sexy. Plus, who wants a pair of saggy balls, am I right?! I suggest you men get a codpiece and wear it every day, before it’s too late.

You know what else sucks? Girdles. They suck in your gut *snort *snicker 

No, I do not wear a girdle. Yes, I have worn a girdle before, but only once or twice. No really, I couldn’t stand it. It was like wearing a bra over your entire midsection. They don’t call them girdles anymore either because it doesn’t sound good. They call them “shapewear” now. What a crock.

I’m sure some of you have seen the ads of women putting on shapewear (girdles) and it’s the darndest thing. All of a sudden, there are no more bumps and rolls, it’s all smooth, like a sausage. I hate to use that terminology towards women because I don’t believe women should be referred to as sausages (only men), but let’s call a spade a spade… or a polska kielbasa.

Their purpose (besides to torture women) is to redistribute fat and flab to other places on your body so it’s not just hanging around your middle section, so when you pull a pair of them on, whatever it can’t suck in, it redistributes to other places on your body… mainly towards your face. Talk about shoving your boobs up! I don’t understand how someone can talk or eat with one of those things on.

Ooohh, I get it… that’s the whole fucking point!

Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

24 thoughts on “Putting the Squeeze On

  1. I went from a training bra to a C cup virtually overnight and have been tortured with underwires ever since. Add menopause and 25 lbs and now we’re in D cup territory. I have permanent grooves in both shoulders from hauling the girls around. Men have no idea!!!

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  2. I have occasionally worn a bra when dressing as a woman for Hallowe’en parties. The last time I did it was in 1999. I was a bartender at The Stockyard in Nashville, and I went to work that evening dressed as Dolly Parton. I won $100 for best costume, and my tips that night were phenomenal. But I couldn’t wait to get that damn bra off when I got home!

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  3. Sometimes it is wiser to realize you have no relevant information to add to a conversation.That doesn’t stop ME from barreling face forward into a conversation. I never claimed to be wise. just a wise ass.

    i don’t have an interest in wearing a bra. i have always been interested in removing them. i am grateful that women wear bras. Does the National Geographic still publish photo essays on the utility of bras?

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  4. I don’t qualify for this discussion I don’t think. I’ve handled them and snapped one (that slap I got in return hurt)…but never wore one.

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  5. I hated having to wear a bra when I first “had” to. But it was better than having a bunch of pre-pubescent boys stare at my new bumps. Wait, they still did anyways. But now so did older boys. And men.
    Oh well…
    Sports bras – OK, those I think are necessary. I don’t like too much movement (other than my legs and arms) when running. Distracting.
    Shapewear – oh lordie. More torture devices.
    Then say you do snag a man and it all comes off – indentations on your flesh – so sexy.
    Bait and switch, much? Like if a guy removed a rolled up tube sock when taking off his pants?
    Or are men used to this? I think not. I think a lot of today’s men have unrealistic notions of what a woman’s body looks like. Thanks media, plastic surgery and porn industry!

    Deb

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  6. You go girl! Someone had to say that. Why the fuck should those things even be invented??!! I personally hate them, but well use it too. Guess I’m a hypocrite that way… 😋🤔

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  7. Oh no. You are not going to entrap me into making some stupid or insulting or childish male statements on this topic. Enough people already hate me and don’t need more enemies so I refuse to make some stupid male locker room comment on this topic. Nope. No way.

    Liked by 1 person

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