Peepul Are Wah-king!

What an exciting time we’re living in right now, don’t you think? All kinds of wonderful things are happening! First of all, it’s springtime, which is arguably the best time of the year; the flowers are blooming, the birds are singing, the frost is melting… soon we’ll be able to bury all those dead bodies that are piling up across this great big country of ours.

I’m in Southern California, we don’t have frost.

This whole virus thing is starting to thin out the herd, and I’m personally witnessing Mother Earth breathing a deep sigh of relief. With this virus, coupled with all the deaths from those poor folks who were held in cages by ICE… why, we’ll be down in numbers in no time! We are grossly overpopulated you know, so the more the death toll climbs, the better it’ll be for me… uh, mu…  uh, mankind.

Perhaps you’re thinking I’m absolutely nutballs. No, not because people are dying and I’m feeling tremendous hope, it’s because of my being so infatuated with springtime… but as they say, ’tis the season of love… and I love everything right now! I’m absolutely loving the weather, the lack of traffic, the lack of people out and about… nobody’s around. Well, there are some people around. Hmm… now that I think about it, there are a lot of people… and they’re all walking!

Wait a second, this is all wrong. I live in the suburbs where no one, and I mean absolutely no one, would be caught dead (no pun intended) walking. Walking in the suburbs means you’re a loser because you don’t have a car. Of course, walking in the city means you’re doing your part for the environment by taking the bus, so you’re a winner, but not here… not in utopia! 

It’s really annoying encountering all these people walking because no one used to do it before. I did. I walked all the time! Uh, what I mean is, I like walking… and I’ve almost always had a car… except for those few years scattered here and there… but that was not my fault, it was… it was… well, I’m sure it was someone’s fault, I just can’t think of whose. Let’s just say it was my mother’s, she’s to blame for a lot of shit. Anyway, I would walk even when I did have a car… gas costs a lot of money!

ahem…

I never ran into others walking before. Who are all these losers walking now? I’m sure they most certainly all have cars, but now, because there’s a killer virus all of a sudden they figured out that getting outside and breathing fresh air makes you feel better? No shit, Sherlock. I mean, I can’t even go two blocks without running into these morons with their masks and germs and dog poop bags! 

Speaking of which… on my walk yesterday, I noticed that some homeowner placed a sign in his front yard that had a doggie on it taking a squat, and it said: “Please do not pee here, it’s disrespectful” and I thought to myself, disrespectful? No dog I know is disrespectful. Why, dogs are more respectful than people, that’s for sure. I’m certain that any dog who walks by his stupid sign would just continue on to the next house and pee there instead, and if that’s not respectful, I don’t know what is!

Anyway, this guy is a complete idiot… doesn’t he know dogs can’t read?