FY…I

You ever heard of a Yahoo?

A Yahoo is a type of person with certain characteristics, and can be described as any one, or combination, of the following: 

  1. Usually loud, enjoys drawing attention to himself.
  2. Beer guzzler (mainly Budweiser) who, when drunk, gets into fisticuffs with the bushes in front of his house.
  3. Drives an extremely large four-wheeler and likes to go mud-whomping (and uses the term “mud-whomping”). 
  4. A 49er who yelled “yahoo!” when he struck gold.
  5. Owns guns. Lots and lots of guns.

This is just a brief list. There are countless other descriptions that could be applied, but you get the idea. 

Then, there’s a Fuckin’ Yahoo. A Fuckin’ Yahoo is a little bit different in that he’s an extreme breed of Yahoos, their main characteristic being the inability to apply reason to any situation. Yahoos are of the male species. I suppose there could be female version, but the Yahoo I’m going to be enthusiastically slamming in this post is of the male, Fuckin’ kind.

I was driving through a quaint old part of town the other day to get home; it’s a shortcut for me to avoid the more frequented main thoroughfares. The houses in this particular neighborhood have been there since the early fifties and they are unique; they don’t have the cookie-cutter quality of the newer suburban boxes. There are no other neighborhoods in town quite like this one, and although a few of the houses on this street have been bought and upgraded by a more modern type of dweller in recent years, one particular type remains. I like to call these holdouts “Old T.O.” T.O. being an acronym of the two word town in which I live, e.g. L.A. 

This part of town is the exact place where one would find a Fuckin’ Yahoo, and although they are a dying breed around here (not dying fast enough, if you ask me), you can still spot them from time to time and be lucky enough to witness the complete ignorance of their behavior. 

Would you like an example? Wonderful! I was just about to offer one!

As I was driving along, I witnessed a man standing in his front yard on the grass, bent way over, and peering vengefully into a gopher hole with… get this… a semi-automatic Glock in his hand. He was waiting for the critter to poke its little head out so he could blast it into smithereens with a semi-automatic pistol.  The gopher, just doing what gophers do (diggings holes), was apparently enough to piss the guy off to the point that he felt he needed to annihilate it.

There were a number of peaceful residents out and about walking on this same street at the exact same time that this FY had his semi-automatic out to vaporize a living creature, and a couple of them were children.

Uh huh… a Fuckin’ Yahoo…

…with a semi-automatic, like it was the apocalypse and he was preparing to fight off zombies. Or in his case, any brown person, feminist, or vegan. Sorry Vegans, vegetarianism just isn’t extreme enough for guys like these.

You know what I believe we should do with this type? Oh God, I’m so glad you do!

I believe we should capture this rare breed and immediately put him in a cage at the zoo, in a habitat similar to his natural one, so we can all study how he lives; it must be fascinating! I would get endless entertainment watching such a… such a… mammalian species as he, in a safe and enclosed environment (and I emphasize safe and enclosed)

I did some research to see if I could find a breed of ancient ape that this FY evolved from, and do you know what I discovered? There isn’t one. There is no other mammal walking on two legs, currently, or in the past two million years, that matches this man’s intelligence. No ape is that stupid! I apologize to the apes for the comparison.

I seriously considered calling the police for a brief moment, but then quickly came to my senses and remembered the police that, um… police, in this town are similar in genetic makeup, so it would be futile. They’d come out on the call, take one look at his gun, and proceed to engage in an appreciative dialogue of said gun, in the weird language that only other Fuckin’ Yahoos understand. 

Language such as:

“Yep, she’s a slicer alright!” or, “I usedta’ have me one of those beauties. Cried when I sold ‘er.” or,  “Did you git the sumbitch hole-digger yet?”

I’m certain you see my predicament.

These semi-automatic, gun-totin’ FYs completely believe wholeheartedly that the Second Amendment is there to protect them from “Evil-doers” like gophers. And really, who the hell am I to try to take that away from them?… the poor idiots. 

I’m going to find a t-shirt with a gopher on it wearing the American flag and give it to him. It’ll soften the guy, because when you wrap an American flag around anything and give it to a Fuckin’ Yahoo… they fall in love with it because you are now on “their side”.

God Bless AmeriKKKa!

 

 

 

Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

43 thoughts on “FY…I

  1. I thought that FY’s could be identified by the hanging rubber testicles that they attached to their trailer hitch. I wouldn’t shoot the gopher, even if I had a gun. As a matter of fact, I lost a patch of watermelon vines to a groundhog and I think that I made a mean face at it. However, I’d draw the line at some coyotes trying to eat my dog. Then all bets are off. If I had a gun.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Pffft. Work smarter not harder. Use dynamite. And if you’re a real man, you clip off most of the fuse and light it with a cigarette. With the cig hanging from your mouth, of course. Sounds like the rednecks in your town are a bunch of posers.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. So is a Fuckin’ Yahoo the equivalent to a Fuckin’ Redneck? We have plenty of those where I am…
    I don’t know if I would use “Fisticuffs” to describe what they like to do…it makes them sound too dignified. Fisticuffs is what British gentleman sometimes do. Rednecks are always “fixin’ to fight”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. A real yahoo would have used a shotgun! Sitting in his lawn chair… while cracking a bud.

    I mean the intention to get to full yahoo status is clearly there… but I feel you spotted a neophyte not yet fully formed.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Yikes, how did you
    end up in the backwoods of Thousand Oaks? Glad you made it out ok, hope the same for the gopher. Hilarious post, thanks for the laughs ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I think your yahoo taxonomy is very accurate. We have them in Canada too but they generally don’t carry semi-automatic weapons or wrap themselves in our flag. Otherwise your description applies perfectly on this side of the border as well!

    Liked by 1 person

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