Can’t Touch This

I’ve always been interested in people’s perceptions, especially as they pertain to me. This is because I can weigh it against my own perceptions of myself and then come to the inevitable conclusion of how wrong they are. 

I mean, I could be wrong I suppose; I could certainly have a distorted perception of myself. 

Hahaha… hahaha… haha… that’s totally ridiculous.

Now, we’re all adults here and… I mean, I hope we’re all adults, because there’s a lot of R rated stuff in my blog, so if you’re here and under the age of eighteen, you need to leave immediately. Well, not immediately, read several of my posts first to make sure it falls under things you shouldn’t be reading on the internet… and make sure your parents don’t catch you in the process. If they’re really cool though and don’t give a shit, you could share my blog with them, I need the followers. 

Anyway, we’re all adults and probably know the definition of the word perception, but just for giggles, here’s what I pulled from the dictionary: The organization, identification, and interpretation of sensory information in order to represent and understand the presented information or environment.

First and foremost, our perceptions come from sight, if you’re a sighted being. We generally see things first before anything else in our day to day environments. That’s why images are so powerful and can sway you to purchase things you don’t need from places such as Amazon, but that’s an entirely different post.

We can create perceptions based on something else though, like for instance, let’s say you hear someone declare something about themselves; you can incorporate what they said into your perception of them, even though it could be an offhand comment. 

I went to perform stand-up at an open mic the other day and a comedian I know from the circuit was there and we got to talking about how ironic it was that everyone now uses bleach wipes to wipe the microphone down between performers, because that’s something I’ve been doing since the beginning. 

Microphones are disgusting harbors of bacteria because they’re shared by hundreds, if not thousands, of people, and in my perception, most people are disgusting, so I wipe down every microphone I come into contact with before I touch it. Anyway, he went on to say something about it being a good thing I had OCD. 

All you kids out there reading this already know that OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder because most of you and your friends have been diagnosed with it, so I’m certain I don’t need to pull a definition from the dictionary for you.

So I thought, wait a second… me? OCD? That’s this guy’s perception of me apparently; I have it because I wipe microphones with bleach wipes. He’s totally wrong, of course, but anyway I responded “Hmm, I’m OCD? That’s interesting, I don’t see myself as OCD at all.” He went on to say that because I’m a germaphobe, I fall under the category of OCD because it’s a subcategory. Germaphobe, OCD, it’s basically the same thing. 

I’m not a germaphobe either, by the way, and I’ll get to that momentarily.   

First, let me start by saying this guy is really intelligent. He’s a professor and he uses a lot of words that, after interacting with him, I go straight to the dictionary to look up (perception, not being one of them) so even though I admire his intelligence, I did not agree with his statement. 

Second, I’m a sapiophile and find his brain very attractive, so needless to say, I’d totally fuck him, but that still doesn’t mean he’s not wrong. In fact, it makes me wanna fuck him even more because I imagine how hot it would be for me to be grinding on top of him while telling him how fucking wrong he is (totally hot). Except I’d need to keep my eyes closed the whole time because it’s only his brain that’s attractive. 

Kids, are you still reading this?! Okay good, because you need to know smart people aren’t always right.

Third, I didn’t argue with him because there’s no point. No, of course there’s a point, but I don’t wanna burn any bridges in case there’s an opportunity to fuck him, but anyway, here’s my point: Just because I don’t wanna put a mic to my lips before wiping it down with a bleach wipe after hundreds of filthy, disgusting comedians touched it before me, does not make me a germaphobe or OCD. 

Furthermore, most comedians, in fact, most people, don’t wash their hands after using the toilet, so if I’m being accused of being a germaphobe/OCD because I don’t want to indirectly touch your dick after you took a whiz, then went on to touch the mic without washing your hands first, that’s a huge error in your thinking. Maybe you need to consider there’s something wrong with you, not me.

But I’m the germaphobe… okay.

Okay I may have, possibly, did sorta kinda refer to myself as a germaphobe once or twice when I was wiping down the mic before my set, but still… that was a joke. I also can’t stand the thought of touching something that has germs on it, which is most things. So I’m being perceived as a germaphobe by really smart people and possibly a handful of dumbasses.

All I really want is to be perceived as sexy, funny, smart, and someone who likes to keep things really clean at all times because she worries about all the disgusting germs on everything because people do not wash their hands!




Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

23 thoughts on “Can’t Touch This

  1. Isn’t it funny that all the slobs out there that are too lazy/self-centred to perform basic hygiene practices think they have a get-out-of-jail free card in labelling the rest of us “OCD”? As a retired microbiologist and a widow of someone who had ACTUAL OCD, I have a lot of thoughts about this. As one could imagine. However I won’t litter your blog with them, CG. Thanks for the post!


    Liked by 3 people

      1. Hehehe…people used to ask me how I could eat anything, given that I used to work in the food industry. Well, there’s good bugs and bad bugs. Like the ones that make yogurt, sauerkraut, salami, pickles, wine and beer = good bugs. The ones that give us food poisoning = bad bugs. I try to avoid ingesting the bad bugs😁


  2. First off, I need absolutely everything I’ve ever bought on Amazon. Yes, even that mini rubber chicken. (Don’t ask)
    But I agree, perception is a strange thing. Example- I look in our barn and see piles of useless rusty crap while the husband sees treasure. He’s wrong of course, but I’ve been doing him for 36 years so it’s not as hot as it once was.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Everyone is OCD to a point… but are you a Howard Hughes germophobe?…in other words…are you wearing Kleenex boxes right now for shoes? If so he could be right.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. CG,
    All the things I want to write will get me imto trouble, but suffice it to say that you’ve explained how dumbasses continue to proliferate. Also, your PSA could be used in so many different ways! It’s genius! Now I’ve got a song stuck in my head and must to go listen to it since, of course, I can’t touch it. Heeheehee! Mona

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It really makes me sick thinking about all the people who don’t wash their hands after using the restroom and then go on to do God knows what…like going to the Buffet for lunch and handling the ladles and tongs provided for choosing your food items. Ewww… That doesn’t make us germaphobes. It makes us people who actually practice good hygiene. Loved your post!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Wiping down anything is good idea in pandemic, but probably counter-productive in the “normal” load. Need some exposure to build up the protections and balance our own immune systems. Can’t live in a bubble forever. But if it’s funny to say you are germaphobe before the set, probably because it has a little bit of truth. Half-truths are funny. Complete lies are weird or just make us angry.

    Liked by 1 person

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