Nutballs vs. Cheeseballs

I really like Nutballs. 

Sometimes called Nutters, for short (Nutter being the British term for Nutball).

I don’t know what it is about them, but if someone is a Nutball, there’s a good chance I want to have them in my circle of friends. They’re slightly off, a bit nutty… but not as nutty as a Whack job. Okay yes, there’s a fine line between the two, but Nutball is the way to go; I always choose Nutballs over Whack jobs because Whack jobs are too extreme. Always eliminate Whack jobs out of your life, otherwise you’ll be miserable. 

Nutballs are fun, unpredictable and most importantly, hilarious. 

Not to say I love hanging out with Nutballs who take the nuttiness too far… again, there’s a fine line… and I have standards! Eh, they’re more like thresholds, but you know what I mean. Of course I have plenty of friends who are middle-of-the-road, but to be honest, it’s kinda boring, and I get bored quickly, hence the Nutballs.

What can I say, I like spiciness. Spiciness is the spice of life! I especially like spiciness in the three Fs: Friends, Food and Fu…n! You thought I was going to say fucking didn’t you? Nope, too obvious. Besides, the only spice I like in fucking, is vanilla. A girl can only take too much spice in the bedroom before she yells: Get off me you fucking freak!

ahem

Besides being a stupendous writer, I’m a really good conversationalist, which happens to be a dying art form. Yes, it’s an art form to engage in a conversation with another person, and part of the problem with people being unable to be good conversationalists is because they’re not aware it’s an art form. 

That, and they don’t know when to shut the hell up. 

Having a conversation is much like throwing a nutball back and forth between you and the other person. Sorry… not a nutball, a ball, a regular ball. You throw the ball to the person, they have it for a little while, and then they throw it back to you and you have it for a little while. And let’s put the emphasis on “a little while”… not thirty minutes, not an hour, capeesh? And there’s a rhythm to it; it should flow. Most importantly, when you’re a good conversationalist, you have a clear understanding that you cannot be the only person handling the ball.

Unfortunately, there are too many people out there handling their balls for way too long.

See, if you keep tossing the ball up and down into the air without passing it to the person you’re with, you’re not playing the right game. What you’re essentially doing is masturbating, and like I said, there are plenty of people out in the world masturbating, despite what the Catholic Church would have you believe.  

The point is, I like how Nutballs communicate; we speak the same language. 

I like the element of risk and uncertainty; you never know what to expect from a Nutball. You could be hanging out with a Nutball doing something mundane, like shopping in the grocery store, when out of nowhere they approach the cute, young checkout guy, slip him your telephone number while gesturing he could expect a blowjob if he calls you, then coyly asks where the bananas are located. 

Hahahahaha! That would never happen. No, no… not that he’d never call, of course he’d call… he’d just never get a blowjob. But you get the idea. 

Whereas with the boring person, you always know what you’ll get: Predictability. It’s boring. I want to laugh a lot, I want to have fun, I want a bit of nuttiness, because otherwise, what’s the point?

There is a drawback though. When you’re friends with a Nutball, you have to take the bad with the good, and there’s usually a lot of bad, that’s what makes them so much fun. But sometimes the bad is so bad, you have to sever the relationship for fear it’ll rub off on you. You have to be careful because you start to take on the habits of the people you surround yourself with. That’s why highly driven people hang out with other highly driven people, because if they hung out with people who had no ambitions, they’d be doing the exact same thing: Nothing. 

So I’ve decided I’m going to hang out with the people who lie somewhere in the middle of Nutball and not-so-Nutball: Cheeseballs! They’re not as nutty as Nutballs, but they’re still a hell of a lot of fun. Who’s never had a good experience with a Cheeseball? No one. Have you ever heard someone say “Look, you don’t want to hang out with so-and-so because he’s a Cheeseball and they’re nothing but trouble.”? Of course you haven’t, no one’s ever said it.

I realize Cheeseballs are often covered in nuts, but they’re not nuts through and through like Nutballs. Cheeseballs have that soft, cheesy center, which is what you want when you’re hanging out with a lil’ cray-cray.

Cheeseballs have that right amount of irreverence that makes them fun, without their being over-the-top. Maybe they won’t approach the guy at the checkout and promise him you’ll give him a blowjob, but they’d say: “Wouldn’t it be funny if I did…”  and that’s just the right amount of Nutball for me!

Okay, not really, but they’re a good way to wean me off of the Nutballs.