I Wanna New Drug

*This was originally posted on Jan. 17, 2018

I had to make a trip to the post office, so I prepared myself for the inevitable long wait by getting some delicious cookies. 

The post office is the wrong place to be jacked up on sugar

I don’t know why I thought it was a good choice at the time, but I’m not even in control when it comes to sugar anyway. When I think about eating sugar, a signal is sent to my brain that something delightful is coming, and it reminds me of the anticipation I felt knowing I would be snorting some fat lines of coke on Saturday nights in the Eighties.

Yes, every Saturday night

Go ahead judge me, I don’t care. It’s not like I do it anymore… mainly because I have no idea where to get it, but also because sugar’s a lot cheaper.

Cheaper than sex too, turns out

Anyway, studies have connected eating excessive sugar to reduced performance in parts of the brain that deals with memory, so I really try to limit my consumption. However, these experts said the same thing about cocaine and that had zero negative impact on me …that I can remember.

A couple weeks ago, someone gave me a gift of white chocolate peppermint dipped Oreo cookies, and normally, I never eat those things. I know, they sound delicious, but I prefer really good quality cookies, something imported or gourmet. If someone handed me a bag of Oreos, I would say no thanks, but I decided to try one of these because there were dipped in peppermint white chocolate and who can resist that? It was ridiculously addictive. After one bite, I shoved the entire thing in my mouth then followed it up with a few more.

Sort of like shoving a line up my nose and immediately following up with more

As it happens, I was at this gourmet market and they had almost the exact same cookie. They were right near the checkout counter, conveniently packaged in a mini pack of two cookies, so I bought some before I left for the post office.

These particular ones were called unicorn cookies because they had multicolored sprinkles all over them, which I don’t care about because it’s really just a marketing ploy. I don’t believe in unicorns, and even if I did, in my world they certainly wouldn’t be colored, they’d be pure white, like in fairy tales.

Hmm, does that sound racist?

I couldn’t get just one packet either, I had to get two… and eat all four of them at once. So there I was, sitting in my car in the parking lot, shoving these goddamn unicorn cookies into my face. I mean, I must’ve looked like some crazed drug addict. Then, once I got inside the post office, I couldn’t help but notice how bland everything seemed compared to my unicorn cookies.

The postal worker who assisted me, was really bland too, and he was talking me through the checkout process like I was a friggin’ moron and had never done it before. He instructed me each step of the way in this annoying monotone voice: “Okay, now you can put it in. Okay, now you can take it out.” (referring to my debit card of course), and it sounded just as perfunctory him saying it, as it does you reading it. If I ever questioned whether the rumor about postmen being really boring in bed were true or not, he put that to rest immediately.

Thankfully the entire process was over in about fifteen minutes, which I imagine is about the length of time this postal worker has sex…

…and the average time it takes for sugar to kick in…

…and the average time it takes to find the nearest coke dealer through my new coke app. You know, just if I ever decide to get off the sugar.