Snake Eyes

You know what’s pretty weird? Trying to catch a rattlesnake. 

This is not a metaphor people, this is something I actually witnessed with my own two eyes, and if I wore an eyepatch because one of my eyes was missing, I’d say I actually witnessed it with my own one eye. 

I was hiking on the trail the other evening and encountered a man standing in the tall grasses way off the trail. Now anyone who hikes knows (hopefully) that it’s best to stay on the trail during the summer because of rattlesnakes. Well not this guy. 

He was smack dab in the middle of rattlesnake territory and he had what looked like a long, hefty stick in his hands, and he was holding it right in front of his crotch area and swinging it back and forth, side to side, as I would imagine a man would do when holding something like that in his hands.

My first thought was “What a dick!” and my second thought was “I’d better say something in case this guy gets hurt”, but I didn’t… I just stood there for a moment, watching. I mean, how often does one get to witness somebody getting bitten by a rattlesnake in real life? Never! Not that I’d want this person to die or anything… I’d just want to know how painful it was by association.

Not wanting to deflate this guy’s ego too much, because clearly he associated himself with Rambo, that stick in his hands and all,  I asked “Aren’t you afraid of rattlesnakes?” and he responded “That’s exactly what I’m looking for. They’re really delicious barbecued”. 

Okay, I don’t understand why someone would want to try to attempt to capture a rattlesnake, I really don’t. It’d be easy to think something like “Here’s a perfect example of evolution at work”, but I wouldn’t want to dismiss this guy with such a flippant remark because his stupidity deserves so much more than that.

Let me just say, there are plenty of companies out there who sell exotic meats, stuff like alligator, buffalo, snakes, and they ship to people all over the United States, so why not just order it? 

Just as an aside, I imagine most of these companies are based in Florida because we all know how fucking weird Florida is. It’s so weird, the rest of the United States doesn’t even want it.  Have you ever noticed how the entire state hangs off the rest of the continent away from all the other states? I imagine the state of Georgia swinging it back and forth and side to side if it could. It’s like we don’t really want to be associated with Florida, but we’ll allow it just as long as it doesn’t get too close. 

People from Florida, do not email me. 

Anyway, what I’m saying is, you can easily order snake meat online if you really wanted it, so why would you want to try to hunt one on your own with a stick… Rambo?

When he replied they were really delicious, I had to put my hand to my mouth to stop myself from snickering. You can’t be serious? You want to hunt your own rattlesnake, skin the thing, deal with the venom, and then barbecue it? 

Look, I try not to knock anyone for their eating choices, even if it is a rattlesnake, but seriously, there are so many other creatures you could eat, why a venomous snake? It sounds just awful.

It tast…

Don’t say it.

tast…

Don’t.

tastes li…

Stop!

…tastes like chicken!

Damn it.

Then eat a fucking chicken, why risk getting bitten by a rattlesnake, for crying out loud?!

Rambo, that’s why.

Pfft, stupid.

You know something? A lot of weird shit goes down on hiking trails, that’s not the only time I encountered something weird while hiking. There was the time I encountered a guy completely naked. My friend and I were hiking along, minding our own business when this guy comes around the bend and he’s wearing absolutely nothing, nothing but a pair of shoes, and frankly, I’m surprised I even noticed his shoes. Let’s face it,  if you see a guy totally naked walking towards you, your eyes are going straight to Florida, and yep, there it was, hanging out for everyone to see, swinging back and forth and side to side each step he took!

So now maybe you’re all considering taking up hiking because you want to experience the weirdness for yourselves, and I totally get it. I recommend it, just don’t forget to bring a really big stick. 

Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

10 thoughts on “Snake Eyes

  1. If I see a strange hiker’s wiener swinging back and forth on the trail? I won’t be held responsible for mistaking it for a rattlesnake and whacking it with my stick. Nope. I won’t.

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  2. Well, there are those people who milk the venom from snakes to produce antidotes for bites. And there will always be hunters who prefer fresh meat and bragging rights. But please, don’t send that schmuck down to Florida – it’s not like we don’t have enough weirdos here already.

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  3. If you are going to hunt anything — better rattlesnakes than bunnies or doves. On the biking trails in Arizona, I would appreciate someone else hunting down all the rattlesnakes to reduce the “speed bumps.” I roll over about 10 of those things a year, and always worried one is going to reach up and bite me on the down stroke.

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