Chew On This

People tend to associate you with something they remember you doing once before. It’s like you do one wrong little thing and that’s it, that’s all they remember you by, and it’s associated with you for the rest of your life.

For instance, my neighbor always referring to me as the crazy naked lady he found in his pool that one night. Look, it was hot, I thought he was out of town… I mean, Jeez, let it go already! There’s so much more to me than that anyway, like for instance, knowing how to pick fruit from other neighbors’ trees without getting caught.

I used to cocktail waitress a long time ago but does that still make me a cocktail waitress? No. So I accidentally spilled a shit load of beers on a group of off-duty cops during happy hour one night, does that make me forever a klutz? No, it makes me a friggin’ genius, I hate cops.

The other day, I got an unsolicited email offering me a job as a dishwasher. A dishwasher, are you serious? Like I don’t do enough dishes as it is, being a woman and all. What’s really ironic is it came from a company called Compass Group Talent Acquisition… apparently it takes talent to do the dishes now. I nearly spit out my coffee when I read it.

That’s just an expression by the way, I don’t drink coffee, it doesn’t agree with me. Neither does chocolate, which is truly, truly awful. I’ve had to eliminate two of the best tasting things on this planet out of my diet. I can still eat dick though, so there’s that. I don’t, but I can. Actually, I wouldn’t characterize dick as best tasting… or even good tasting, for that matter. I’d rather have a chocolate bar, put it that way.

When I realized I could no longer eat chocolate, but I could still eat dick, I contemplated my existence on this earth; what’s the point of living if you can’t eat chocolate?! Well, I can eat chocolate, but I’ll pay for it later with a very upset stomach. Like, even worse than after eating dick.

I must have the weakest digestive system in the world: I can’t eat dairy or chocolate, I can’t drink caffeine or alcohol, and I don’t eat meat. Being vegetarian is by choice though. Sort of. I live near Los Angeles and it’s mandatory if you really want to be somebody, and also, I truly believe it elevates me as a human being. You know, there are a lot of guys out there who think their beards and hair buns elevate them as more evolved, but that’s just appearance; I truly am more evolved.

A man bun is slightly repulsive.

Anyway, if I want to be associated with anything I’ve done previously, it’s that I’ve eaten dick when I really, really hadn’t wanted to, but I took one for the team. That to me is admirable. Especially considering how men reciprocate. They don’t know what they’re doing. At least, that’s been my experience. Oh sure, there have been one or two that may have done a fairly decent job but the rest of them… well, all I can say is, go take a class or something. Learn. Better yet, listen to direction.

I guess these guys didn’t realized they’d forever be associated as someone who couldn’t gild the lily.