Automatic

I’ve been thinking about how we women screw up relationships. 

Notice I said we, because I’m not trying to make myself out to be perfect. 

I’m no expert but I’ve fucked up plenty of relationships. Certainly enough to realize what I should and should not do anymore. It really wasn’t that many, but you know, some. One or two… or one… if that. 

Okay, lemme backtrack a little here because if I dive down deep and reflect honestly on the past, it wasn’t me at all, it was the men in my life, they’re the ones who fucked up everything. I was just trying to show a little humility by taking some responsibility because I didn’t want to come off as perfect, but it’s not working for me. It’s like asking me to squeeze into a neoprene wetsuit that’s two sizes too small while still damp. Have you ever tried that? It’s not easy. It’s like stuffing sausage casings with explosives.

And why take blame where you don’t have to (or when no one’s around)? It’s enough that I’ve had to navigate life being a woman; I had to bleed and everything! Plus, do you know how many times I’ve had to pretend to live up to my hair color just so I don’t come off smarter than men? 

If you wanna make a relationship work, you gotta play the man’s game and that means looking beyond the lies and deceit. 

Like the one we’ve all heard before: when the guy says he loves it when a woman has that “just out of bed” look. They try to tell you they don’t really like a woman who is all dolled up, they prefer when she’s natural looking and wearing sweats with very little makeup. 

I say go ahead, try it out. Approach your man after you just get out of bed, no makeup on, no hair or teeth brushed, and wearing pajamas, but not the sexy kind of pajamas. He’ll give a look alright, but not the one you want.  

The one you’ll get is the “Jesus Christ, you scared the crap outta me!” look. This is where you need to point out to him how men are always saying they prefer women looking like this over the dolled up look, and he’ll immediately point to a Victoria’s Secret catalog, and when you express to him how you’ll never look like that because it’s not realistic, he’ll say that’s the whole point. 

It’s not that men are bad for feeling this way, it just goes to show how they’re easily swayed by false titties… I mean, falsities. You know, the kind the media is always putting onto women to be, look and act as anything but themselves. Anything that’s real is out of the question, so start slapping that makeup on your faces, ladies. Make yourself as unreal looking as possible. 

We have to be extra vigilant, especially now with the onset of female robots and all… the fembots. Have you heard about these? Female robots are being ordered and manufactured to the exact specifications of a man’s deepest desires. They can be created to look, sound and act exactly how the man wants, and that only means one thing: no talking.

Okay, they’ll probably talk, but only in monosyllabic sentences because that’s the best way to talk to a man. Men don’t like all the confusion of a string of well spoken sentences. Admittedly, we women can drone on and on… and on… and on… just ask any man, or the customer service representative you were complaining to earlier.

These robots are supposed to be programmed to perform any and all tasks; talk about our jobs being taken over by automation! I mean, really, I don’t care if they take over the blow jobs, but every other job, well, we can’t let that happen. 

Hmm, maybe we can let it happen. 

Because, you know, after some thought, there may be benefits to having a sex robot take care of your man. For one, it’d be a lot less work, and she can deal with all the crap we normally do, like, you know, the Greek stuff. Show me one woman who enjoys doing that

Not that I ever… you know, because if my dad were reading this, I wouldn’t want him to know I might have tried Greek… because he was Italian and we don’t even like Greeks! How many holes does one guy have to use anyway? Is it the same amount as the drills? because if so, we’re in big trouble.

Let’s just let automation take over, ’cause it’s only a matter of time before they make male sex robots. Oooh, just think how long they’ll last. Ladies, prepare to sell your Viagra stock, Daddy’s comin’ to town!

Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

28 thoughts on “Automatic

  1. Thankfully I’m finally too old for all of this, but I sure could have used a fembot sister once upon a time! I would have had a good night’s sleep with no interruptions on a number of occasions!

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      1. Well, that is a truism that I can’t deny. I sent your line about ‘false titties’ to a male friend who blogs. He LOVED that. No big surprise there…..

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  2. Right on, CG! And another thing: men like to accuse women of being sneaky and manipulative…to which I respond: if you would only listen to our ideas when we tell you straight and not automatically discount them because YOU A MAN didn’t come up with them, we wouldn’t have to resort to trickery to get our (right) ideas heard and acted upon.

    Oh boy – panty hamsters and now Greek stuff! I thought i was pretty well versed in sex lingo but I do not know what you are referring to. Apparently I am behind the times when it comes to sexual slang. Care to explain?

    Deb

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  3. Deb — Greek = anal. It’s not a new term — it’s the one the Romans used to make fun of the ancient greeks because they tolerated homosexuality (sort of).

    Yes we all can’t wait for the realistic looking sex bots of all genders, sizes and talents… As for men not listening… I didn’t really pay attention to that part.

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  4. CG,
    Didn’t they make a movie about sex robots? Maybe even more than one movie? Damn, reality is starting to imitate art again. I guess as long as Stepford Wives doesn’t become reality, I’m good. When that happens…I’m buying more than just a drill to protect myself. Mona

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  5. I believe there’s a half truth to the dolled up and sweatpants shtick. I think the natural face is way more appealing than tons of makeup that reveal the lines that people fight so valiantly and often to hide; however, with that being said, I am fully transparent and have never told anyone that the baggy sweats are awesome. It doesn’t mean Victoria’s Secret is the only alternative, but there can be a happy medium. As for no-brushed teeth? Well, that’s just plain gross. Cheers!

    Peace and love to everyone, especially during a really fucked up time in history.

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