I’ve been thinking about how we women screw up relationships.
Notice I said we, because I’m not trying to make myself out to be perfect.
I’m no expert but I’ve fucked up plenty of relationships. Certainly enough to realize what I should and should not do anymore. It really wasn’t that many, but you know, some. One or two… or one… if that.
Okay, lemme backtrack a little here because if I dive down deep and reflect honestly on the past, it wasn’t me at all, it was the men in my life, they’re the ones who fucked up everything. I was just trying to show a little humility by taking some responsibility because I didn’t want to come off as perfect, but it’s not working for me. It’s like asking me to squeeze into a neoprene wetsuit that’s two sizes too small while still damp. Have you ever tried that? It’s not easy. It’s like stuffing sausage casings with explosives.
And why take blame where you don’t have to (or when no one’s around)? It’s enough that I’ve had to navigate life being a woman; I had to bleed and everything! Plus, do you know how many times I’ve had to pretend to live up to my hair color just so I don’t come off smarter than men?
If you wanna make a relationship work, you gotta play the man’s game and that means looking beyond the lies and deceit.
Like the one we’ve all heard before: when the guy says he loves it when a woman has that “just out of bed” look. They try to tell you they don’t really like a woman who is all dolled up, they prefer when she’s natural looking and wearing sweats with very little makeup.
I say go ahead, try it out. Approach your man after you just get out of bed, no makeup on, no hair or teeth brushed, and wearing pajamas, but not the sexy kind of pajamas. He’ll give a look alright, but not the one you want.
The one you’ll get is the “Jesus Christ, you scared the crap outta me!” look. This is where you need to point out to him how men are always saying they prefer women looking like this over the dolled up look, and he’ll immediately point to a Victoria’s Secret catalog, and when you express to him how you’ll never look like that because it’s not realistic, he’ll say that’s the whole point.
It’s not that men are bad for feeling this way, it just goes to show how they’re easily swayed by false titties… I mean, falsities. You know, the kind the media is always putting onto women to be, look and act as anything but themselves. Anything that’s real is out of the question, so start slapping that makeup on your faces, ladies. Make yourself as unreal looking as possible.
We have to be extra vigilant, especially now with the onset of female robots and all… the fembots. Have you heard about these? Female robots are being ordered and manufactured to the exact specifications of a man’s deepest desires. They can be created to look, sound and act exactly how the man wants, and that only means one thing: no talking.
Okay, they’ll probably talk, but only in monosyllabic sentences because that’s the best way to talk to a man. Men don’t like all the confusion of a string of well spoken sentences. Admittedly, we women can drone on and on… and on… and on… just ask any man, or the customer service representative you were complaining to earlier.
These robots are supposed to be programmed to perform any and all tasks; talk about our jobs being taken over by automation! I mean, really, I don’t care if they take over the blow jobs, but every other job, well, we can’t let that happen.
Hmm, maybe we can let it happen.
Because, you know, after some thought, there may be benefits to having a sex robot take care of your man. For one, it’d be a lot less work, and she can deal with all the crap we normally do, like, you know, the Greek stuff. Show me one woman who enjoys doing that?
Not that I ever… you know, because if my dad were reading this, I wouldn’t want him to know I might have tried Greek… because he was Italian and we don’t even like Greeks! How many holes does one guy have to use anyway? Is it the same amount as the drills? because if so, we’re in big trouble.
Let’s just let automation take over, ’cause it’s only a matter of time before they make male sex robots. Oooh, just think how long they’ll last. Ladies, prepare to sell your Viagra stock, Daddy’s comin’ to town!