Tiny Fucking Corn

Listen, I have a problem… with baby corn. 

I don’t know whose idea it was to take a delicious food product like corn and serve it as food before it fully grows into the actual deliciousness it is, but it was a huge mistake. How did they overlook its potential?

Someone walked through the tiny corn fields, peeled back the tiny husk, looked at the tiny piece of corn struggling to grow into it’s full sized magnificence and said “You know, I bet this would be delicious right now… especially in Chinese food.” 

It was probably the same person who looked at a palm tree and said “I bet the heart of that tree is tasty!” 

Baby corn should not be a thing. It’s like the equivalent of… of… of pumpkin spice,  bleghch! 

Whenever we head into pumpkin spice season, I get a horrible allergic reaction… to the people who like it. Seems like every product out there drips with the cloying scent of that foul smelling stuff. 

You know, pumpkin spice was formerly referred to as apple pie spice and some people just decided to rename it. They said, move apple pie spice, there’s a new kid in town, and those people live in Calabasas. Yeah, they’re the ones to thank for this pumpkin spice craze. When they moved to Calabasas, they didn’t realize that word means pumpkin, in Spanish. Imagine all those rich people coming to the realization that they’re living in a town named pumpkin. They had to do something to maintain their image, so they came up with a PR plan quick! They relocated apple pie spice and moved in pumpkin spice… you know, like they do with the homeless, and they made it a “thing”. 

Pumpkin spice is just a massive spoonful of cinnamon with only the promise of other indiscernible spices, so I don’t see what the big deal is. For all you know, you’re getting something other than pumpkin spice in your pumpkin spice. You could be getting the stuff that comes out of a wood chipper. You know, like in that movie, Fargo.

You’re all getting ripped off by Starbucks right now… which is probably deserved. 

Pumpkin spice lovers, do not email me

But this isn’t about pumpkin spice, it’s about tiny fucking corn. 

Baby corn tastes like the straw that was raked from the floor of a barn, or like someone forgot to drain the dish water from the sink. It resembles an albino okra, which is another disgusting food product. Someone cut into an okra pod, saw seeds floating in a viscous slime and said “You know, I bet this would be delicious right now… especially in Chinese food.” 

That same person probably also eats quinoa… and pronounces it keen-wa (snicker) Dork.

Quinoa is a horrible, bitter grain that was eaten by indigenous people who only ate it by necessity and who are probably laughing from their graves right now at the people who are eating it as a health food product… because they didn’t like it, that’s for sure.

But back to baby corn…

I am well aware that baby corn is a hot button issue right now: Vegetarians think it’s perfectly okay to eat baby corn, whereas vegans think it’s murder. 

A baby corn looked up at its mother one hot summer afternoon and said, “Mommy, I’m really hot right now, I think I’m going to burst” and the mother replied, “I can tell your Pop.” 

*snort *snicker *snort 

The only thing baby corn is good for is to be the dick on a Mr. Potato Head, and seeing as how Mr. Potato Head only has a head, and not a body, his name would need to be changed to Mr. Dick Head. 

*snicker *snort *snort

Look, it’s compulsive, okay?