Listen, I have a problem.

It’s with baby corn. 

I don’t know whose idea it was to take a delicious food product like corn and serve it as food before it fully grows into the actual delicious food product it is, but it was a mistake. No one should make an argument for eating baby corn when it has so much potential.

Someone walked through the tiny corn fields, peeled back the tiny husk, looked at the tiny piece of corn struggling to grow into it’s full sized magnificence and said “You know, I bet this would be delicious right now… especially in Chinese food!” 

It was probably the same person who looked at a palm tree and said “I bet the heart of that tree tastes delicious, we should put it in a can!” 

Baby corn should not be a thing. Baby corn is the equivalent of pumpkin spice – there are those of you who love pumpkin spice, and then there’s the rest of us who find you incredibly annoying. 

We’re heading into pumpkin spice season, and all I can say is pumpkin spice can suck it. Every product is given the scent of that foul smelling stuff starting in September, and to those people who assume that everyone loves the clingy, cloying, overbearing smell of cinnamon wafting through the air just because they do, have been snorting way too much of the stuff. 

Pumpkin spice is just a massive spoonful of cinnamon with the promise of a possible sprinkling of other indiscernible spices, so I don’t see what the big deal is. You’re all getting ripped off by Starbucks right now… which is probably deserved since you like pumpkin spice to begin with. 

People who love pumpkin spice, do not email me

But about baby corn… 

Baby corn tastes like straw taken from the floor of a pig pen, and it looks like an albino okra, which is another disgusting food product. Someone cut open an okra, saw seeds floating in a viscous slime and said “You know, I bet this would be delicious right now… especially in Chinese food!” That person probably also eats quinoa… and pronounces it keen-wa.

Quinoa is a horrible, bitter grain eaten by indigenous people who ate it by necessity and are laughing at everyone eating it now as a health food product because they don’t like it either.

But back to baby corn…

Baby corn is a hot button issue: Vegetarians think it’s okay to eat baby corn whereas vegans think it’s murder. 

Baby corn looked up at its mother one summer and said, I’m really hot right now and the mother replied, I’m gonna tell your Pop. 

ahem, sorry.

The only thing baby corn is good for is to be the dick on a Mr. Potato Head, and seeing as how Mr. Potato Head only has a head, his name will have to be changed to Mr. Dick Head. 

ahem, sorry.

Look, it’s compulsive.

Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

11 thoughts on “Füd

  1. Don’t care for pumpkin anything aroma, but love cinnamon and apple. Don’t hate me. I loved this and don’t even mention Okra to me. Ick.


  2. I don’t bother with pumpkin spice but I am sometimes forced to cook baby corn at work, we make a lot stir fries. Outside of that, I don’t bother with baby corn either. Great write up, love the big about Mr Potato Head, When I eventually go back to doing substitute work, if I say one in an Early Years Unit, I won’t think of him in the same way again.


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