It Was All A Wash

I was having some issues, so I decided it would be a perfect time to have a therapy session with my credit card representative. I call her whenever I have problems and she makes suggestions on what to purchase to make me feel better. You know, retail therapy… *snicker* *snort*

But seriously, she’s not just a credit card rep working at an 800 number, she’s also a qualified licensed therapist. She got her degree from one of those online schools, but a reputable one that’s owned by Betsy DeVos. I did my research. You can’t be too careful nowadays, there are a lot of scams out there and people who claim they’re something they’re not. Anyway, she’s really smart, and get this: she gives me a 18.99% interest rate on my card. 

She asked me what my issue was, and I told her that on my drive this morning, this ugly ogre of a woman cut me off and how unfair it was because I’m an excellent driver and this woman was a shitty driver and didn’t even care. And get this: she was driving a Volvo… what a hypocrite! 

Normally in our discussion, I tell her that the best solution in dealing with these issues, for me, is to seethe with resentment for the rest of the day, and usually she agrees with me. But this time she didn’t and then said something that totally took me off guard: She suggested I do a good deed for someone and not get found out; don’t tell anyone and don’t take credit for it. Sort of like spreading good feelings and karma to the rest of the world. 

Well! Well. Well, she’s the credit expert. So I asked her, “You mean like, buy someone something?” and she replied “Exactly, and make sure you put it on your credit card so you can get that great rate.” She further explained that when something bad happens to you, if you do something good in return, it’ll neutralize the hatred you harbor for mankind. 

I mean, that was a little harsh… hatred is a strong word, it’s more like disgust… but anyway, I was skeptical because it’s taken me a really long time to build up my resentments.

Well, I guess I had nothing to lose, so I decided to give it a try. 

The first thought that came to me is when someone would buy a coffee for the person standing in line behind them at the coffee shop, so when that person goes to pay, the barista tells them their coffee’s already been paid for. Right away you can see how good it makes them feel, like they won the bloody lottery or something. If it’s that easy, then hell, I can do it! By the way, these do-gooders always look so smug when they tell others they bought the coffee too, which is pretty classless. I’m certainly not going to tell anyone about it.

ahem… well my therapist never mentioned anything about writing.

Anyway, I decided if I’m going to do this, I need to make it really special, and since I was heading to the car wash to get my car… washed, I would pay for someone else’s wash service, too. 

When I arrived, I explained to the attendant what I wanted to do and instructed him to let the next car that pulls up behind me, their wash was already paid for… as long as it wasn’t a Mercedes, BMW, or Audi, because I’m not paying for one of those assholes.

Then I went inside to work out the payment. I let the cashier know I wanted to put ten dollars towards the next person’s car wash, and she said it needed to be put it on a gift card because they couldn’t take cash. She also informed me the minimum was $25. I can’t believe I said this, but I told her that was fine. In all honesty, it really wasn’t fine because that’s a lot of money… I mean, karma… and I wasn’t sure I wanted to spread that much karma around, if you know what I mean, but since I already informed both her and the attendant of my intentions, I was stuck.

This kindness bullshit was getting complicated.

But when the cashier tried to swipe the gift card through the card reader, it wouldn’t work. She tried repeatedly but it wasn’t reading it. She called her manager over and he tried, but still nothing. In the meantime, a long line of people was forming behind me and all I could think about was how I didn’t want to pay twenty five fucking dollars for karma because I’d rather use that money to buy something for myself!

They tried another gift card and that one wouldn’t work either. This went on for another minute until I told them “Stop! Forget it, this is taking way too long.” and I turned and walked away as fast as I could before they registered my face and name. The last thing I want every time I go in there is for them to announce to everyone “That’s the lady who backed out of her karmic agreement with the Universe, and the reason you didn’t get a free car wash today!”

I was totally relieved it didn’t work. I mean, I believe in all this karma bullshit and everything, but there’s got to be some limits, and I think that limit should be ten bucks.

Maybe five. 

I thought about the turn of events and questioned why the gift cards wouldn’t work? I knew there had to be a reason for it… and then it dawned on me: The Universe must have sensed my resistance to pay such a large karmic debt when it wasn’t even my debt to begin with, it was that ugly ogre’s debt, the one who cut me off in the first place! The Universe made sure I wasn’t doing something I didn’t want to do, then consequently feel worse about humanity.

Can you imagine if that ugly ogre was the next car in line and I ended up paying for her car to be washed? 

I think the Universe made the right decision.

I’m still going to do the good deed and everything… I just haven’t gotten around to it yet.