It’s Too Hard To Go On Any Longer

There are a lot of things I don’t understand about computers, the internet and how things work as far as those two things go. Not because I’m not tech savvy, I am tech savvy, it’s just that… okay, I’m not tech savvy, but I know enough to get by and that’s all that counts… supposedly. 

However, there are some things I’ll never understand, like spam, and how it manages to land in my inbox! Until just recently, I never got spam. Well, at least not since like, the 2000s. Remember those days? There were some pretty awful things that came out of that decade: Hurricane Katrina, MySpace, chunky highlights coupled with pencil-thin eyebrows… eww. Oh, and 9/11!

That was a horrible day, it was the day I found out I had IBS and lemme tell ya, it was just awful! I had to completely change my diet and permanently exclude things like caffeine, chocolate, dairy, and all the other things that irritate the hell out of me. Well, the diet obviously doesn’t exclude everything that irritates the hell out of me; there are still plenty of people lollygagging around *snicker *snort! 

Anyway, the 2000s were spam’s heyday. Back then, you got spammed simply by plugging in your computer… I think. I’m referring to the email type of spam, but there are countless other types of spam that have asserted their presence, for instance, through social media, robo-calls, pop-up ads, and the worst offender: a resurgence of the highly unpopular canned pork product.

Hahahahahaha *snort… hahaha *snort… haha, ha… 

ahem 

Then some smart people figured they could go after the spam jerks who made your life miserable by cramming your inbox with an assortment of adverts, scams, and cheap vacations, and had laws created to make it illegal.  

Okay, I’m simplifying it, but you get the idea.

But like all laws, they were created to address certain criteria during the time of enactment, so as the spam people evolved, they discovered ways to get around these laws, which is funny because that’s exactly the type of characteristic you’ll find in a good criminal, corporate leader, or politician. 

And why you still get spam in your inbox. 

But again, I never got spam until recently. 

So what happened? Well it’s not a coincidence that it started around the time I bought a new Mac computer, because until then, I was still using my old Mac, which was ancient in technological terms, so I wasn’t able to get spam because my computer was so old… I’m pretty sure.

Computer nerds, do not email me.

Anyway, I was surprised to see what kind of spam was landing in my junk folder. Yeah, I have a junk folder. Obviously I’m tech savvy enough to know how to make one, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it! Or, you know, whatever you put in your pipe to smoke nowadays… just add that to it.

The other day I looked over some of these spam emails and was surprised to see how things haven’t really changed all that much since the old days of spam. For instance, they’re still sending emails promising a cheap vacation, but instead of one of those all-inclusive resorts for hot singles where an STD is included in the price, it’s a vacation rental, aka VRBO. No hot singles, no itchy-scratchy burn-burn.

Then there are the ones who claim to improve men’s sexual performance, making them harder and longer. Nothing new, right? But this time around their product supposedly makes them last up to two and a half hours, rather than the one and a half hours back in the day. Clearly, they have no idea who they’re dealing with, firstly, because I’m not a man… but more importantly, if I had a man, I certainly don’t want him banging into me like a jackhammer for two and a half hours and likely screaming something to the effect of “Look at me murdering your pussy, Baby!!” 

Maybe when I was in my twenties… I probably wanted my pussy murdered by a jackhammer… you know, because… because I had the time and the flexibility, but not now. Now things have changed, now I have things I gotta do, like stand up and walk a straight line.

Not to mention the fact that doing that kind of activity at this age would resemble an actual murder. Do you realize when you’re being jackhammered, things on your body are being jiggled and jerked around so violently to the point that it starts to look like a struggle between perpetrator and victim? I’m certain the screaming alone would have the neighbors calling 911, and not for the police either, it’d be for animal control.

Now I’m not saying that after reading several of those spam emails I didn’t think about getting jackhammered harder and longer for a brief moment. I just know I wouldn’t want it to occur over a period of two and half hours. How about allocating, say… around twenty minutes, Jack? And it’d have to take place in the dark. Preferably with blackout curtains.

And no, that time is not including foreplay, Tonto. Get it together, Jeez. Let’s take the focus off of shooting the arrow straight into the bullseye and work on warming up the banana basket first, shall we?

I thought the first rule of advertising was to know your audience; they’re barking up the wrong panty leg. This, of course, all pre-supposes I believe there’s actually a product that can do that in the first place and… well, one can only hope.