Holy Shit!

Horseshit has value.

No seriously, it does, and not just as an expletive; it has tangible value. 

Horseshit does wonders for fertilizing a garden. If you’re a gardener, you already know that, but for all you lay men and women out there, maybe you didn’t… so now you do. There’s been talk from scientists that we may be able to derive energy from horseshit in the future; it could be the next gold bullion.

Bullshit.

Yes, bullshit has its place too, mainly for fertilizing lawns though. If you use it in a garden, it burns the crap out of your plants…  pun intended *snort *snicker

Okay, maybe horseshit won’t be as valuable as gold, but did you know it has controversy? Yep, it sure does. 

Let me tell ya a little story. 

Some time ago I went to find some horseshit for my compost pile; it’s great for quickly breaking down compost. And I live in the country, sort of, so there are lots of horses around. In fact, I used to have a horse and would ride him around town. That’s how us teens got around before cars; we rode our horses. 

Well this particular day I drove to the horse arena to find some and I had my shovel and bucket in the trunk. I always carry those items around in my trunk to shovel all the bullshit out the way because there’s so much of it *snicker *snort

But it’s also convenient to have when I need to scoop up horse… poop. I’m trying to switch it up here a bit; there are only so many times one can use the word “shit”. Not really, but stick with me. 

When I arrived, there was nobody around except some dude sitting in his car near the entrance of the dirt parking lot. Strange. Anyway, I drove in and slowly made my way around the lot which sits adjacent to the arena, and as I looked around, I didn’t see one single pile of poop… not one. How could there be no horse poop at the horse arena? 

As I circled around the very large parking area, I noticed a big pile of heavy duty black plastic garbage bags at the far end, and I said to myself “I’ll bet that’s where the horse poop is.” Clearly, someone scooped it all up, bagged it, and put it over yonder, so I drove over to the pile.

I opened one of the bags, but instead of horse poop, it was filled with this rich, dark, loamy soil, the kind that’s perfect for planting. I should mention that adjacent to the horse arena is a community garden, and it was obvious this soil was taken from there. Why it was bagged up and set on the far end of the parking lot was curious though; why would someone want to get rid of all this wonderful soil? Well when I looked more closely at the contents of the bag, I noticed that mixed in with the soil was a bunch of weeds.

And when I say weeds, I really mean “weed”. 

Yep.

I thought I’d smelled something other than the earthy, loamy smell of planting soil! 

I started to giggle because there were a bunch of bags, like, at least twenty, so clearly someone was doing a lot of planting in the community garden, and more than just cucumbers and tomatoes, sneaky bastards. 

Some of you may be thinking, wow, you really hit the jackpot! 

The problem was, it was only just beginning to flower. It had been pulled before it had time to mature into full buds. But besides that, I don’t even smoke the stuff… that often. No really, it’s true, I only ever do it occasionally. However, I had a friend who smoked it regularly, and I figured my friend may be able to salvage the plants and I could keep the soil for my garden.

I would’ve taken more than just one, but I was nervous as hell, I didn’t want to get caught with the stuff. I can just hear it now: “Officer, it’s not mine, I swear! No, I got it from the horse arena when I was looking for horseshit and I just happened to find it bagged up and ready to go!” 

As I was exiting the parking lot though, that lone guy, who was sitting in his car near the entrance, exited immediately after I did. For a split second, I was worried. Was he lying in wait, waiting for the growers to come get their stuff? Naw, it was just a coincidence, right? But as I sped off down the road, he caught up and started tailgating me, and it was then I realized he thought I was the perpetrator and was following me.

Holy horseshit. Was he a cop? 

Then I got stuck at a stoplight and when I looked in my rearview mirror, this old guy had the expression of somebody who’d just won a jackpot. Plus, he was writing something down: my license plate number! When the light turned green, I took off, but he was tailing me and I couldn’t shake him. This went on for a few miles and I knew this guy just wasn’t going to give up, he wanted to bust the person who bastardized the precious community garden with weed.

At this point I figured he wasn’t a cop, and even if he was, he was off duty, so I decided to pull over and end the chase; I wasn’t doing anything illegal! 

Okay, that’s not true.

So I pulled over, and through my side view mirror, watched as this goofy asshole, who’d been tailing me, open his car door, step out, and walk slowly towards me like he was goddamn Sheriff Buford T. Justice about to capture The Bandit. The only thing that would’ve made it more authentic is if he spat chewing tobacco out of his mealy mouth.

Turns out, the guy was stupid as fuck because as soon as he got within a few feet of my car, I took off, leaving him with his jaw hanging open… hahahaha! The guy had just fallen for the oldest trick in the book, what a moron! 

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared though. I drove to a secluded area and dumped the bag. When I got home, I spent the next hour waiting for the cops to show up. They never did. I figured the guy would have to explain to the cops how an alleged weed-grower left him eating dust, and he’d be humiliated

Did I go back later and get the bag? You bet your sweet ass I did, I wanted that soil! I gave the plants to my friend, which eventually died, but my plants thrived in that rich soil, lemme tell ya! I wanted to go back and get a few more bags but I figured my luck would run out and left well enough alone. 

Besides, I got a great story out of it, and that’s worth its weight in gold. 

Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

17 thoughts on “Holy Shit!

  1. Not that I’ve ever smoked it, or grown it, but you could’ve cut off a few branches and pulled the flowers off, put it under 24 hour light and it would root and revert back to vegetative growth. Or so I hear.

    Like

  2. Having horses for 25 years in a poor soil part of the country got me all kinds of deals in exchange for a pickup load of composted poop. I didn’t like taking money for it, but bartering for fresh fish, vegetables, or baked goods was common. Plumbing services, maple syrup, driveway plowing were a few of the other deals. All kinds of shrooms will grow on it, too, but I never tried those. Allegedly.

    Like

  3. How many times in your life do you actually say or think ” “I’ll bet that’s where the horse poop is.”

    and

    You know you are getting older when…you want the soil instead of the weed!

    Like

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