Independence Day, a.k.a. Fourth of July.
I dunno know… I’m just not that into it; call me un-American. No really, call me un-American because I’m not a natural born citizen of this country, I was born in Italy. Not that I don’t love it here… sort of.
Listen, I’m not a fan of Italy’s politics either, but at least they’re honest about how corrupt they are. Plus, they elected a porn star to parliament in the eighties… how bad could it be?
So, a couple things:
The Declaration of Independence wasn’t actually signed until August 2, 1776. I have no idea why we celebrate our supposed independence on July 4th… and I don’t care.
Francis Scott Key wrote the Star Spangled Banner while sitting in Chesapeake Bay after the Brits bombed the shit out of Fort McHenry. When he awoke the next morning, he saw an American flag waving in the dawn and was inspired. He promptly pulled out an envelope and wrote the first initial verse. The poem later became a song, which ironically, is sung to the tune of a British drinking song. Remember that next time you’re singing it with your hand across your heart.
It’s interesting how few people refer to this day as Independence Day; we call it Fourth of July. Probably not a coincidence.
We don’t actually have independence, do we? I mean, we’re dependent on a lot of things. China, mainly. Maybe in a hundred years we’ll be signing a totally new Declaration of Independence. Unlikely though, since they supply the things we savagely consume, like smartphones and other electronics we can’t seem to disconnect from. Plus we owe them trillions of dollars.
We’re dependent on oil from the Middle East, too. But hey, wave that flag because it represents our “Independence”… from Britain… two hundred and forty-something years ago.
I suggest a revolution. I’d start one, but I’m too busy writing this.
I used to love watching the fireworks; that was the best part about Independence Day, but after 50 or so years of watching them, year after year after year after… you get the idea… they just don’t thrill me anymore. And how can they when Flint, Michigan still doesn’t have clean water after five years and we’re putting innocent children in cages at the border?
The only fireworks I wanna see are the ones going off in my head when I’m with the right guy doing the right things to make a bang, know what I mean?
At least I’m starting my day out with a bang… just had an earthquake while sitting here writing this.
It must be California’s way of saying “Happy Birthday America.”
I decided to sell my homemade apricot jam to my neighbors because I’m a great person.
I happen to make some fucking delicious jam. I’m not a homemaker type in the least; I really can’t stand living in the ‘burbs and talking about this kinda shit, but that’s my life at the moment until I can get a more reliable car and get back to chasing my dreams and being a menace on the highways of Southern California.
Anyway, I got these beautiful apricots from a neighbor down the street. She wasn’t really “down the street”, it was more like three blocks down and one block over… and she didn’t really “give” them to me… it was more like I did her a favor and took some off her hands because her giant apricot tree was overflowing with them and they were falling all over the ground, going to waste.
I always ask her first if I can have some and I intended to ask her this time too, but it was nine o’clock at night by the time I remembered to get some and I didn’t want to bother her.
Okay, okay, okay… I stole her fucking apricots.
So I made a big batch of delicious jam and put them in these jars that I decorated with an idea I got off Pinterest and Jesus Christ I sound so pathetic. This is not me, people… I don’t log onto Pinterest ever!
I have way too much time on my hands. See, the thing is, my car is not running well and I’m afraid to drive it too much and I’ve been looking for over two months for another car and I don’t want to get into detail about it… let’s just move on.
You know what? Thank God I am an apricot thief, otherwise my reputation would be fucked.
So I packed up these pretty little jars of jam in a cute basket like the friggin’ moron I’ve become and walked door to door in my neighborhood to sell them. You know, you can learn a lot about your neighbors when you’re trying to sell them something.
Like, for instance, the woman down the block: when I told her I was selling my delicious jam and would she like to buy a jar? she said “Maybe, how much is it?” and when I told her eight bucks, she acted like I was asking for a thousand. She said that was too expensive, even though she had two BMWs in the driveway of her huge house. Poor thing… couldn’t afford it.
Then there was the guy two doors down and across the street; he’s a builder, and right now, he’s adding onto his house and it’s a major project. It’s annoying as hell because of the noise, the trucks coming and going, and the general nuisance that goes along with building.
I used that to my advantage though… he knows he’s being a big pain in the ass so of course he would buy a jar, and he said apricot happened to be his favorite. Doesn’t matter if he hated apricot jam, he was gonna buy a fucking jar whether he liked it or not.
I sold a couple to his builders, too.
The mom of the nice family that lives next door to the builder has her dad visiting from Czechoslovakia and I can hardly believe I spelled that correctly, but anyway, he invited me in after saying the rest of the family wasn’t home.
He then proceeded to tell me in broken English how he escaped communist Czech during the Eighties. At least, I think that’s what he was telling me, I could barely understand him. After about fifteen minutes of listening to him talk, I knew exactly how it felt to want to escape.
The one neighbor at the end of the block, I didn’t even bother going to because it looked like no one was home. I noticed he had one of those statues of a footman on his walkway, you know the kind I’m talking about? They’re called lawn jockeys, and his was a black footman… so I knew right away he was a Southern white dude, and we all know the implications of that: he would never buy apricot jam, Southerners only eat peach jam. Plus, those accents make me want to plug my ears!
Whenever a neighbor said they didn’t have any cash, I told them I accept PayPal and Venmo because I’m persistent and persistence pays off. Plus, I wanted to sell the goddamn jam, which was getting really heavy.
The good news is I sold every last bit of it and let my neighbors know next month, it’ll be plum jam.
I’ll be sticking needles in my eyes if I’m still making jam next month.
I was watching some of America’s Got Talent yesterday.
I don’t have a television, got rid of it years ago, which was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, along with getting divorced, quitting smoking, and forming the letters F U C K in my mouth to make a special sound whenever the need calls for.
I was watching it on YouTube, which is great because you don’t get as many commercials and you don’t have to watch all the riffraff between acts. It’s the acts that I’m most interested in because they’re fascinating! They all have back stories that pull at your heartstrings, which is all part of how the show manipulates you.
So this one kid, about nine years old, comes out with a violin, and he’s understandably a little nervous. The panel of judges start asking a few questions and it turns out, he developed leukemia when he was four years old, and was bullied in school when he lost all his hair. He felt ostracized and took up the violin so he would be known as the boy who plays violin, not the boy who has cancer.
At this point, a large lump developed in my throat and I knew what was coming. So he starts playing his violin and he’s really good. Plus, he’s wearing these really cool shoes that lit up. After he finished, he got a standing ovation. When the crowd settled, the judges asked how he felt, and through tears, he said “I feel proud of myself”.
That was it, the fucking tears started flowing; I just lost it. Here I was, sitting on my bed, watching this show and blubbering like an idiot.
It’s totally relate-able. We’ve all been challenged, have overcome and have been left with a feeling of pride, and that’s what makes you cry, because we all know the feeling.
I watch the show solely for that reason; I know it will make me cry and laugh.
It’s completely contrived, as all “reality” shows are. They know who will be a contestant, what act they’ll do, and how the judges will vote, ahead of time. Everything else, is to elicit emotion from you so you’ll watch year after year and they’ll continue to get viewership, which in turn will get them advertisers so they’ll make millions of dollars. Plus, they’ll get to enslave the contestants with a binding contract to perform, making them even more money.
I know all this, yet I still get caught up in the thrill of it all. That’s the manipulation.
So I’m enabling this multi-million dollar show to enslave performers so I can be emotionally moved and entertained.
I’m a little embarrassed to tell you this, but I recently got scammed by a little old lady.
I felt like a complete sucker, and who wouldn’t?! I mean, no one is prepared to be scammed by a little old lady. You’d expect it from a lawyer, or financial planner, or a car salesman, a college exams administrator, an insurance company, a government, a president, a dictator (same thing)… but never a little old lady!
You know, I’m a really well adjusted human being, and a total sweetheart, which you can probably tell from reading my blog, so when a little old lady asks me for a favor, I’m ready to oblige, which is what happened last week while standing in a long line at the supermarket. This little old lady standing behind me asked if she could go ahead of me. This was after she struck up a conversation; she was quite the character.
Okay, looking back, I can clearly see she was a friggin’ nut job, but at that moment, she was just a good conversationalist; she did most of the talking. In fact, she wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Just as I was about to get to the cash register, she asked if she could go ahead of me, so seeing as how she only had two items and I had several, I told her to go ahead.
Turns out, just because someone only has one or two items, doesn’t mean they’re going to take less time.
She was able to flimflam me; she charmed me with her chattiness, then slid in front of me where she began to create all kinds of drama and stalling and holding everybody up in line behind her.
First, she asked for cigarettes, which are kept locked up in the front of the store, so the manager has to come with the key to open the cabinet to get them. Then she started in on the price, saying she wanted to have a clerk double check it. But when he verified it was correct, she started loudly arguing with the clerk about it and wouldn’t back down, so now all of us are stuck behind this cigarette-smoking troll, disguised as a little old lady, and were forced to wait while she created this unnecessary drama.
Not once did she look over to me and apologize for causing this inconvenience after I was kind enough to let her go ahead of me, because it was her plan all along. She’s the type of person whose only goal in life is to cause conflict and suck other people into it with her so everybody’s miserable.
You know the type.
I got pissed off that I fell for it, and I promised myself I’d never fall for it again.
Well I got tested on that promise yesterday while at another supermarket. I was just about to have my groceries checked out by the clerk, when a little old lady with three items asked if she could go ahead of me.
I almost… almost… let her go, but remembered the little old lady flimflam from last time and quickly shut her down:
“Not if you’re going to write a check.” I snapped.
Clearly, she was going to write a goddamn check. I get steamed every time some idiot pulls out a check book at the register. Really? You can’t use a fucking debit card like ninety nine percent of the population? Or… well it used to be ninety nine percent of the population until the ability to scan a payment from your smartphone was invented. I’m not sure what the percentage would be now and… hmm, well I can’t be bothered to research it.
It doesn’t matter, the point is… the point is…
What? How do I know she was gonna write a check? Well she looked like the type who would write a check. Plus, she gave me this look which I can only describe as getting busted… or maybe it was exasperation… whatever, it wasn’t my fucking problem. I quickly checked out and left, not looking back. I’m never letting a little old lady in front of me again, I’ll tell you that much.
You know, I just realized, no matter how much Botox I get injected into my forehead, it’s never enough to hide the disgust on my face.
Searching for the perfect used vehicle? Frustrated dealing with the scum of the earth on Craigslist?
Look no further! I have the perfect car for you!
This car has everything: check engine light, visible damage, high pitched noise while running… she’s got it all!
You say you want:
High miles? Check
Torn leather driver’s seat? Check
Non-existent air conditioning? Check
Useless sunroof? Check
This hot mess has been waiting for Y OH U.
Why am I selling such a blessing, such a hot hunk of metal, you ask? I couldn’t take care of her the way she wanted, the way she needed… because honestly, I never liked her.
She was thrust upon me by a self-absorbed ex-boyfriend who, besides being an idiot that didn’t know how to inspect a used car, wanted me to be seen as a tame suburban housewife, but I couldn’t abide. I’m an out of control, hot, sexy MILF (Mother I’d Like to Feed). Sure, I’m chubby and I don’t have kids, but don’t judge me… a girl needs butter and chocolate and to be free of commitments.
I never wanted to drive a Volvo… a name that closely resembled parts of a woman’s vagina… that’s not sexy. What’s sexy is having a car that’s reliable but doesn’t say “I’m boring and a moron.” But hey, that’s just me, don’t let that stop you from driving it.
If all this hasn’t yet tempted you yet, check out these features:
Brand new tires, sorta.
New oil pan (whatever the fuck that is).
New car smell – if the new car was fourteen years old.
I haven’t farted in it in at least a week because I stopped being a fuckin’ vegan.
Whatever is stuck between the seats and the console is your to keep!
This car will give you hours and hours of asking yourself why you bought it, only to be reminded that it’s a status symbol of true suburban mediocrity.
But wait, there’s more! If you buy it in the next 10 minutes, I’ll throw in The Club (remember those useless pieces crap?) It’s an Eighties icon, you’ll be the talk of the town!
Call now before it’s gone: 1-800-I’m a lonely piece of shit.
I swear, I’ve never wished death upon someone before… so soon after the last time.
You guys know how kind and compassionate I normally am, but what’s been happening recently… well, it’s just put me over the edge, and now I’m hoping someone dies.
I don’t normally hate on people. Sure I get frustrated and want them to suffer, but hate? That’s a strong word. So when I say I hate my fucking neighbors, I don’t really mean it. I’m just thoroughly disgusted with them, they make me sick, and I wish they’d fuck off and die. But I don’t hate them.
My previous neighbor was the best neighbor in the whole world (after me). She was an older, single lady; a retired teacher. She was quiet, respectful and we never heard each other. But two years ago she put her house up for sale and a dark foreboding washed over me. I knew the good times were over.
I started praying to Jesus: “Jesus, please, for fuck’s sake, please, please, please do not let assholes buy that house!” But I guess ‘ol JC was occupied that month because it fell on deaf ears. Listen, I know there’s a lot of shit going in the world right now, but I rarely ask him for anything except for the occasional “come into a bunch of money”. There’s nothing more important to me than my sanity and a big, fat bank account.
Well… a family moved in shortly after the house went up for sale. A family consisting of FOUR BOYS AND TWO FUCKING PARENTS!!
I cried, I screamed, I begged to know WHY this had to happen to ME, but there was no answer. I came to a solemn resignation. Then things became apparent very quickly, like the fact that this family is loud and obnoxious.
Did I mention they have a pool? I didn’t even know this until they moved in and started… started… splashing!
Turns out, the boys aren’t bad… not bad at all. In fact, they’re really quite well behaved and that’s because their parents rule them with an iron fist. They frequently berate, yell, taunt, and antagonize these poor kids. I feel really badly for them.
I feel more badly for me though.
I live in a lovely little detached guest house that sits back off the front of the property, so it wasn’t lined up with the surrounding houses.
Did I mention they decided to build an addition onto their already large house that runs the length of my beautiful little guest house and patio and ends… right… at… my… fucking… front… door? All the bedrooms are contained in this addition and their windows face my patio and the fence barely separates us from each other, so now it’s just like living in an apartment again.
Did I mention the dad cut down this beautiful tree that I would admire from my kitchen window? Every winter it would sprout bright red berries that the squirrels, rabbits and birds would eat, and every spring, it would burst into beautiful white flowers.
He was wielding a chainsaw and wearing orange safety goggles and hard hat as he cut it down with impunity. He looked like an evil character from a Stephen King novel… the goddamn ass wipe!
Who in the hot hell wears orange safety goggles?!
He stood high up on a ladder and I kept praying he would lean over too far lose his balance and fall off the ladder cutting his legs off with the chainsaw in the process then break his back upon landing on the hard ground rendering him unable to work so they wouldn’t be able to make their house payment and it would go into foreclosure then he would die of complications and the mom and kids would have to move and a friendly quiet older couple would move in and this is my dream.
Did I mention I bought corn the other day? Yeah, three ears of genetically modified corn. You may think this is a total non-sequitur but it’s directly related because normally, I would never buy something like that, which just goes to show how much this bastard family is affecting my life.
And I didn’t use punctuation in that paragraph about the death scene!
Can somebody help me?
Your life can either be chicken shit, or chicken salad. Choose wisely.
Do not give that which is holy to the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you – Matthew 7:6
Aaaand… maybe don’t eat bacon (or meat) anymore either. It’ll make the animals happy and you’ll be healthier.
Have reverence for all life (see above).
If you have no one to fuck you, go fuck yourself (see above).
Carbs are not the enemy, objectification of women by society is.
Chocolate. Chocolate is the answer, who cares what the question is?
Sitting in front of a keyboard is the WRONG PLACE TO BE CAFFEINATED!!!
The pharmaceutical industry is lying to you.
You’re lying to yourself.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved that fuckin’ pizza to death.
Complaining… about anything… is an advertisement for stupidity (thank you Madonna for this one).
Be your own best friend and your own best self. You are one-of-a-kind, you fucking freak.
If you feel you have to prove your worth to someone, you’ve already given it away.
Get everything in life, don’t let anything get you.
The three most important things in life are truth, beauty, and justice. Or maybe it’s sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll, I can’t remember.
And most importantly…
Chase that dream of yours, the one you only allow yourself to briefly think about as you lie in bed, dreading another day while feeling bewildered at where you are in life.
If you don’t take the risk, you’ll be filled with sadness and regret at death’s door, not a good way to enter the afterlife. It doesn’t matter where you are in your life; how old you are, how fat or thin you are, how broke or rich you are, where you live, what car you drive, or how many mistakes you’ve made.
It doesn’t matter that you’re not perfect, you’re alone and you don’t have love in your life. It doesn’t matter how much you’ll be judged by family, friends, neighbors and strangers. They’re already judging you.
It doesn’t matter that you don’t have the money/talent/knowledge/direction. You won’t gain any of those things if you do nothing.
The only thing that matters is making yourself happy. Start now. Go after it and don’t stop until you’re dead. You have this ONE life, and this one ONLY. It is not a dress rehearsal, it is not preparation for a second chance… there ARE NO SECOND CHANCES. This is it, baby.
The only thing you have to lose is nothing.
Okay, this woman got slightly irritated with me because I didn’t want to buy her car. Yes, I’m buying a new, used car because the relationship I have with my Swedish car is coming to an end.
We were never compatible to begin with. The Swedes are… well, they’re fucking boring… not exciting, not sexy. They’re great at socialism and other things though: Have a problem with needle users, homelessness, trash? Like blondes and fish dishes? Sweden, baby. Anyway, I never wanted a vehicle with a name that closely resembles parts of a woman’s vagina. Makes me feel weird whenever I have to say it.
Volvo. Are you happy now?
Anyway, this woman was eager to sell me her piece of crap… I mean, car. She was even willing to bring it to me, but I really didn’t want it, so I made excuses (all valid), like it was dinged up and part of the front bumper was torn off. Plus, you could tell she was desperate, which is a real turn off… you can smell desperation a mile away.
Just come with me on my next date and take a big whiff.
Have you ever noticed people selling their used cars can adopt an air of haughtiness? What gets me is they act like the car is so valuable. The fucking thing is used. They don’t even want it anymore, but they want to try to squeeze every damn dollar out of it like it’s a friggin’ diamond, even though it’s lost its value and is more like a cubic zirconia. The buyer is doing them a favor by taking it off their hands and reusing it anyway.
If it’s so fucking great, why don’t you keep it?
I’m all for buying used and re-using; I think we could all benefit from being more conservational and less wasteful (no, that word was not conversational, please re-read).
Like, how about not taking more than you need, for instance? I mean, how many napkins do you need when you’re eating your tacos? Fifty? Because you sure took enough for that many people. You just grabbed a massive handful with your big, fat, banana hands without even thinking whether you need fifty fucking napkins.
Just don’t come crying to me at the end of the world when there are no more fucking napkins. That’s because there are no more fucking trees left because you took a huge stack of napkins you didn’t need to wipe your fat mouth and left the extra ones discarded on the table, creating unnecessary waste. But hey, as long as you get to do whatever the fuck you want, it doesn’t matter, does it? and now you’re crying because there are no more fucking napkins because there are no more fucking trees… how the hell does that make you feel?!!
Uh… where was I? Oh yes, being used. No, no, no, no… not being used, reusing. Anyway, I think we can all benefit from it.
I do a lot of driving, which means I’m on the freeways a lot. It’s how us southern Californians live; we are deeply enmeshed in a car culture.
For those of you who have never experienced what it’s like driving in So Cal, let me paint a picture for you: Every other driver on the road is SpongeBob SquarePants, Satan is your passenger and he’s giving you an enema, and Alex Jones’ InfoWars is blaring out from the speakers and you can’t change the channel.
You good? Okay, let’s move on…
I’m developing a tick.
You ever yell “Learn how to drive!” at shitty drivers? I’ve done it, it’s a waste of time. People aren’t gonna take the initiative to learn how to become better drivers… why would they? They already have their driver’s license and are navigating the roads… as shitty drivers… and the problem is, they believe they’re driving just fine. They’re blissfully unaware, which is the most annoying part because my goal is to make them realize what shitty drivers they are.
Any idiot moron can go to the DMV, take the driver’s test and get on the road within hours. In fact, every idiot moron does… and they’re all on the freeway. It should be called confinedway, as there’s nothing “free” about it.
Foreigners are the worst offenders. Hold on… before you start slinging the word “racist” at me, know this: I am right. Also know this: I am a foreigner, along with my entire family. We all came over to this country on a boat (a big one, not the kind that requires rowing). No, I don’t have an accent, I speak California just like every other normal person… and I’ve always been an excellent driver… maybe not a conscientious one, but a skilled one.
But like I said, my family and I are all foreigners, and the very first day my dad learned how to drive a car, was the day he drove a car across the United States, from New Jersey to California.
Let that sink in.
My mom already knew how to drive. She “taught” my dad for a few hours, then we hit the road so we could drive across the country… and I’ve never claimed my family was normal or sane. Maybe I was adopted. I mean, clearly, there’s nothing wrong with me.
It probably goes without saying, but my dad did not have his driver’s license. Eventually he had to get one, so twenty years later… yes, I’m serious, he drove in the United States of America for twenty years without a driver’s license… he asked me to accompany him to the DMV and help him because he was worried he wouldn’t pass the written portion of the test. Rightfully so; he was never instructed how to properly drive a vehicle, so he was a shitty driver.
So off to the DMV we went. Back then, things were different (besides the fact you could drive without a license for twenty years as a shitty driver and not get caught), but also the way the written portion of the driving test was administered was they handed you a piece of paper and a pencil, and told you to take the test in a segregated area inside the building, away from anyone who could help give you the answers, which was stupid because who the hell was watching, DMV employees? Haha… hahahahahaha!
That’s not what we did. We took the test paper, left the building, went home, looked up all the answers on the corresponding study material, went back to the DMV, turned in the test, and my dad passed with a 100% score. They never knew we left. As for the practical portion of the test, I am truly perplexed as to how he passed it since I was not involved.
Maybe his instructor was a foreigner.
You know, I am just now realizing, I took part in something that bugs the crap out of me today; facilitated a foreigner getting behind the wheel of a car without proper training.