Hit the Road, Jack

I was sitting here trying to remember what I wanted to talk about and then this annoying song that’s been stuck in my head started playing again. It’s been playing in my head over and over, even during my sleep. Jesus Christ, that’s just way too much brain activity. I’m a blonde, I’m not supposed to have that much brain activity!

The song is “I Can’t Feel My Face” by The Weeknd… or, whatever the hell the title of that song is. It’s about his love affair with cocaine, in case you didn’t get that by the lyrics, which I have mixed feelings about quite frankly; they’re playing a song that’s catchy, but glorifies drug use. I’m certainly not innocent, I had my own love affair with cocaine back in the Eighties… I used to pack my face with the stuff every Weeknd.

God, that was a lot of fun!

Well, it was fun and games, but after awhile you get to a point where you become what’s called an “adult” which means you adopt an attitude of disgust towards teenagers, 20 somethings and young people in general (you know, the ones doing the drugs and listening to that shitty music) so you come to look at drug use with disdain. And if you don’t, you’re what’s called an “addict”.

Anyway, as catchy as the song is, it’s driving me crazy going around and around in my head, so I figured I’d try to get rid of it by replacing it with an instrumental song that was hugely popular back in the disco era of the Seventies. I couldn’t tell you what the name of the song is since there aren’t any lyrics, but if you really wanna know, just pick a disco instrumental from the Seventies (make sure it’s got horn) and it’s basically the same thing.

(I’m playing the song in my head right at this moment, give me a minute)

Oh my God, it worked!

I think I’ve just discovered how to get rid of any annoying, pesky songs that get stuck in your head… goddamn it, I’m brilliant! Now if I could only patent this, hmmm… anyway, it’s a three-step process:

Step 1. Just think of another song that is similar in style and beat to the one that’s stuck in your head, but it has to be an instrumental piece, no lyrics. Then, replace the tune stuck in your head with the instrumental one and continue to play it in your mind until the other one stops completely.

Step 2. If someone points out to you that the other song will now get stuck in your head instead, tell them to go fuck themselves.

Step 3. Get off the cocaine.

Oh, I remember what I was gonna talk about: My annoying boss. Yes, yes, yes… of course I have one, whaddya think, I make millions as a writing hack? Anyway, he had given me a task but purposely left something out ‘cause I guess he was testing me to see if I could figure out how to do it, so I asked him a question about it and he says “Well, I purposely left something out ‘cause I was testing you to see if you can figure out how to do it.”

How stupid, of course I know how to do it… at least, this time… and I got a bit annoyed at little Mr. Napoleon and his little Midget Emperor game, so I was trying to come up with a few new names to call him, ‘cause every week I come up with something different, like, Huff ‘n Stuff, Mr. Not Gettin’ Jiggy Wid It, Hamster Ass, etc., when another song popped into my head, this one called “Hit The Road, Jack, and Don’tcha Come Back No Mo’, No Mo’, No Mo’, No Mo’!”

Yes, I do realize those are the lyrics, not the title of the song itself, sheesh, give me a break, who the hell actually knows the name of that song?! Everyone knows it by the lyrics, and anyway you’re missing the point; the point is this song popped into my head for a reason: The name Jack is often used in a manner to suggest that the person to whom it is referring, is an ass, like in Jackass, Jack ‘n the Crack, Jack-off, Jack, Jack, Jack (I just like saying it) and if you say it with enough intention and authority and… no, not hubris… chutzpah, it really gets the point across

Jack

and I’ll bet that’s exactly what that woman in the “Hit The Road” song was thinking when she was singing it, which is why it popped into my head, so now I know what to call my boss for the week. See, everything does happen for a reason!

Shit. Now that song’s stuck in my head.

 

Fo’ Sizzle

I’m getting hotter.  

Yes, yes, yes… of course my looks! I’m hot, I’ve always been hot. But lately, I’ve been getting even hotter.

It happens either when I’m sleeping, or sitting in one place doing absolutely nothing (two of my favorite activities, by the way) and I’ll start getting really hot over my entire body. It starts from the top of my head and spreads down my body, like a disease. Comes outta nowhere, just like that *finger-snap* …it’s driving me crazy!

Someone told me it’s because of my age and um… you know… the things that happen to a woman when she gets older… and I burst out laughing when they said this! Can you think of anything more ridiculous than that? Why on earth would my temperature rise along with my age? Stupid Gynecologist… he doesn’t know anything, he’s just guessing, that’s why they call his office a “practice”. What the hell does a man know about a woman’s body anyway? They can’t even find the taco berry most of the time and when they finally do, they don’t know what the hell to do with it. They go in like it’s a job they gotta tackle, or a race or something. Men say women talk a lot… ha! Men wag their tongues waaay more than women do, just in the wrong manner.

“Slow down, Tonto… this isn’t Cowboys and Indians!”

Which leads me to another thing: Young guys are always hitting me up for sex so I can “instruct” them on what to do ’cause I guess that’s a “thing” now. Are you kidding me? Like I want to spend my time trying to teach another man how to properly treat me in bed. No thank you, I’ve already spent the last thirty… I mean, twenty… twenty years trying to teach men how to do it properly, why would I want to teach another one of you morons?

Okay, you want me to teach you something? How ‘bout I teach you how to clean a goddamn toilet? Afterwards you can bathe my cats… and then get the hell out.

That’ll teach you something.

Jesus Christ, I’m starting to get hot again. Did the dinosaurs all of a sudden get really hot, and then go extinct? Is that what this is about? No, no, no… I cannot use that analogy. One, it’s not really an analogy, it’s more of a question. Two, it completely lacks any sense, and three, I’m not going to compare myself to a goddamn dinosaur.

Someone gave me a gift for my birthday which has turned out to be the best thing on this planet right now. It’s a towel. No, I’m being serious… it’s the best thing! It’s called a Chill  Pal and we’re totally buddies right now. I can’t remember who gave it to me because it was from last year’s birthday, and anyway, I can’t keep track of everyone who wants to impress me. So it’s a towel, but not just any kind of towel; this thing is made of some special PVC polymer fiber woven crap that keeps cold when you wet it, even when it’s in ambient temperature. I just run it under cold water, squeeze out the excess and keep it right next to me at all times… like white on rice… and when I start getting hot, I wrap it around my neck and it immediately quells the heat… it’s friggin’ amazing! Now that I think about it, I could probably wrap the thing around those beef thermometers… that’ll cool ’em off. 

Listen, if they’re going to behave like a Tyrannosaurus Sex, they better have a Gigantosaurus! *snicker… snort*

I kept the damn towel in my closet for a year because I couldn’t understand what the hell to do with it. Now I realize this person mistook me for the type of woman who would need this sort of thing and I’m not sure if I should’ve been thankful or insulted. Turns out I coulda used the thing a long time ago.

I’m not old, I’m just getting um… uh… more, uhh…

hot.

You know what I don’t understand either? Runners. People that like to run for health or attention, or whatever. You get really hot running, why on earth would you want to run? The only running you should ever be doing is running towards something… like donuts. Or away from something… like the cops. And it’s pretty safe to say, if you’re a wanted felon, you shouldn’t be running towards donuts.

Donut tell me you need me to explain that one!

*snicker… *snort…

 

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