I have yellow fever.
No, I’m not into Asians in the sexual sense, unless you count food as porn, then I’m definitely into Asian sex.
I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been eating a lot of Asian food… almost daily, and not the shitty Chinese take-out either. Wait, I take that back… I did have really shitty Chinese take-out a couple weeks ago but I’m trying to forget the experience. How can you fuck up rice and vegetables? Go to this restaurant, they’ll show you.
I’m seriously loving spicy, spicy food and Asians really know how to blow your fucking taste buds out of your mouth with the spicy: Vietnamese, Thai, Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Indonesian… all of it.
I think as I’m getting older, I’m losing my sense of taste (especially in men, but let’s not go there). Okay, let’s go there… there’s a very narrow scope of available men who have any sense of quality, integrity and looks, who are in my age group. Plus I live in suburban hell, so the good ones are married and have a bunch of kids, and who the hell wants that?
So I may or may not be seriously compromising my taste in men… I don’t know. I haven’t had a lot of action as far as dating, so I’ll have to get back to you on that one.
So let’s get back to the deliciousness of spicy Asian food because it’s way better than sex: It’s not as messy and it tastes better… and it’s free…
No, I do not pay for sex.
Not only do I pay for sex, I watch it on video!
That’s not what I meant! I meant sex as in food, okay? Let’s not confuse the two. I pay for spicy Asian food (sex) and I watch it being prepared on the internet (porn). See? There’s a difference.
I don’t know if you knew, but there’s a bunch of fuckin’ weirdos out there who make these Asian food videos and there’s a bunch of fuckin’ weirdos who watch them.
Do you know what Mukbang is? (just Google it). It means Monster Eating in Korean and I’m totally obsessed! Whenever I feel like a fat pig, I watch these videos and I don’t feel so badly.
There are the two Cambodian girls who live in the country and they eat everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. They eat every single part of whatever poor creature they’re preparing. I’m talking feet, innards, beaks… plus insects, reptiles… you name it. It’s gross; it’s truly horrible and disgusting and it’s like watching a train wreck; I can’t take my eyes off it. But it’s their culture, that’s what they eat. They’d probably be disgusted watching an American eat fast food full of sodium and preservatives.
Not me, by the way. I don’t eat that stuff.
I’m not saying I’m perfect. Okay, I am saying I’m perfect… and better than you, because I’m a vegetarian… almost vegan, if you will.
Mostly… sort of.
My fridge is full of spicy sauces, spreads, and pickles. Every time I see something that looks good, I’ll buy it. Now, is that strange considering I have the weakest digestive system on the planet? Maybe. But it doesn’t bother me for some reason. You know what bothers me? The fact that I can’t eat chocolate or ice cream without my digestive tract getting revenge.
There are a lot of things that bother me, come to think of it. I’ll have to get back to you on that though. I’m hungry.