Clever Girl Writes...

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Yes, I did. Look, there was some alcohol involved and it was with a boyfriend, big fucking deal. Lots of people did it.

Don’t people understand that at my age the only thing I have going for me is carbs? I dream about carbs…

Look, it’s a compulsion, the truth comes spilling out and I lose all sense of composure, it’s like taking a few shots of Kamikazes.

There are plenty of assholes around this time of year. You can find them anywhere, but they mainly hang around malls and shopping centers…

Can you imagine how old these tampons were? They’d probably disintegrate as soon as you inserted them into your love tunnel, leaving you holding just the cardboard applicator…

You can’t do stuff like that in your mommy’s car. How the hell are you supposed to learn shit about physics if you’re strapped into an Audi looking cross-eyed at the screen of your iPhone?

“The added sugar will bring repeated business, trust me. Plus, they’ll bring their friends.”

You know, this sounds disgusting. Well, I’ve done disgusting things before so what’s one more, right hairy bastard?

…the company that sold these hideous things created a tremendous feeding frenzy by limiting distribution. They created the illusion of lack, and people just went nuts trying to get one. Toy stores were bombarded and there was complete mayhem; people were crying, hair was pulled, punches were thrown! Personally, I never wanted one but I couldn’t resist getting in on the action.

God, I miss those days…

Emojis are in place to make sure you understand that when we refer to you as an asswipe, but follow it up with a warm, smiley emoji, we’re letting you know we really don’t mean it. Or… we do mean it, but we’re trying to make you believe we don’t.