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I don’t have a television, got rid of it years ago, which was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, along with…

God forbid they use the same hands they just wiped themselves with and didn’t wash with soap…

I got pissed off that I fell for it, and I promised myself I’d never fall for it again…

Why am I selling such a blessing, such a hot hunk of metal, you ask? I couldn’t take care of her the way she wanted, the way she needed…

He stood high up on a ladder and I kept praying he would lean over too far lose his balance and fall off the ladder cutting his legs off with the chainsaw…

If you don’t take the risk, you’ll be filled with sadness and regret at death’s door, not a good way to enter the afterlife…

Like, how about not taking more than you need, for instance? I mean, how many napkins do you need when you’re eating your tacos?

You ever yell “Learn how to drive!” at shitty drivers? I’ve done it, it’s a waste of time. People aren’t gonna take the initiative to learn how to become better drivers…

I need to maybe stick with the plain or ugly dudes. They’re more willing to please than the hot guys…

Let me preface this by saying there are two characteristics of people I detest. Okay, there are lots of characteristics of people I detest, but the two that stand out the most, are…