I decided to conduct a little social experiment last week.

I work in an office building with a bunch of so-called professionals, and the reason I refer to them that way, is because these “professionals” behave like a bunch of monkeys in the bathroom. Every day, these people leave a mess in there, and as the day wears on, it gets messier and messier: paper towels thrown on the floor, scraps of toilet paper littering the stalls, not flushing the toilet properly, water and hairs all over the sink… you get the idea.

In all fairness, not all of them are fucking monkeys, just some of them.

Countless times I’ve witnessed someone coming out of a stall, running their hands under the water for a few seconds, not using any soap, taking a bunch of paper towels they don’t need to wipe their filthy hands, and throwing them in the trash bin, but since it’s overflowing, they fall onto the floor instead and the person leaves them there with impunity. No one thinks to pick them up and dispose of them either. I don’t even want to think about what goes on in the men’s room *shudder*

Like I said, monkeys

Just remember all this next time you go to shake someone’s hand.

People refuse to just push the towels down into the trash bin to make more room because they don’t want to touch ‘em. God forbid they use the same hands they just wiped themselves with and didn’t wash with soap to do that! I use my foot to do it because I don’t want to touch those towels, for good reason.

Anyway, I was beginning to resent these fucking monkeys, and I didn’t want to harbor those negative thoughts and feelings about my fellow womankind. No, really.

So an idea popped into my head:


I would get a bouquet of flowers and put them in the bathroom to make it nice, and then watch to see what happens; see if the behavior of these women changed.

I quickly forgot about it, but later that day as I was walking through the park, low and behold, there on the park bench, was a small bunch of carnations… just laying there. No one was around and they looked like they needed water, so I picked them up and continued on my walk and would you believe… in another fifty yards or so I came across another bunch?

This continued five more times and by the end of my walk, I had a big bouquet of beautiful flowers. I knew immediately what I was going to do with them too; put them in a vase and keep them in my kitchen!

What, you thought I was going to put them in the bathroom at work?

Well, I thought about it since that was my first intention, but I gotta tell ya, it was hard because these flowers smelled divine and I kept imagining how great it would be to come home every day to the scent of them. But I knew that my first intention, which was to bring them to work in one of my pretty vases and put them in the bathroom for everyone to enjoy, was the right thing to do… so that’s exactly what I did… after some back and forth, arguing with myself about why I should keep them instead.

No one said I was perfect.

The next morning, I put this lovely bouquet of flowers in the bathroom at work and went about my day. After about an hour or so, I had to go pee, and… excuse me? Well, how else am I supposed to refer to it, that I needed to go tinkle? I’m not five years old! Let’s call a spade a spade, I had to pee. Can I get back to my story now?

So I went to the bathroom and someone had put a sticky note on the mirror next to the flowers saying thank you so much to the person for bringing them in. No only that, the ENTIRE day, there was not one single towel or toilet paper scrap discarded on the floor, the sink was kept relatively clean, and as far as people washing their hands properly, I have no fucking idea.

It was fantastic and I was so happy that these flowers brought everyone joy and that this experiment worked in my favor! That is, until I came in the next day and the flowers were gone. Some fucking asshole stole them, along with my vase!

That was the second part of the experiment.


Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

29 thoughts on “HAPPEE

  1. And this is why we can’t have the nice things!
    Your experiment worked just the way I suspected it might, including the stealing of the flowers. I own and live in a building downtown and people still treat it like the village post office it used to be. In other words, stealing anything that isn’t nailed down from the grounds, and also dumping their fucking garbage/yard waste on my property, for me to have to dispose of. And parking in my parking lots. And trying to mail letters in the slot that I have had to wire shut – it hasn’t been a post office for 28 years, people!!!!!


  2. Women are so good at this. I can tell you stories about what hppens
    when a women gets on to a construction project. All good.


  3. Yes, you don’t want to know about what goes on in the mens bathroom. I think that the reason that our urinals are up against the wall is because we’re so mindless in there, that we walk until we hit an immovable object, and then we pee. Hence, the wall urinal.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Clever Girl, when I used to work for State Probation, one of my fellow P.O.s, who must’ve been a deeply unhappy man or a very disgruntled P.O. (or maybe just an asshole?) would lay several layers of toilet paper across the top of the water in the toilet then squeeze out the biggest, nastiest, tree branch of a turd and leave it without flushing. Seriously, it resembled one of the deluxe, super-sized pecan log rolls you can find at roadside diners like Stuckey’s. He would do this at least once a week and never got caught. He somehow managed every time to get in, drop his load, and get out without anyone every catching him. If he wiped, we never could figure out what he did with his used toilet paper; it certainly wouldn’t be in the toilet containing his turd.

    And one more good puke-inducing story before I go. A few years ago, my partner, who observes drug screens for all our female offenders (’cause she’s, you know, a woman) observed an offender, prior to peeing into the drug screen cup, reach up into herself and remove a large roll of 20 dollar bills. They were not in a plastic bag or wrapped in plastic wrap; they were secured with a single ponytail holder. When my partner asked her why she had the money shoved up into her hoo-ha, the offender said it was because that was the only way she could keep her husband from getting his hands on the money.

    You’re welcome!


  5. Try that experiment in a men’s bathroom…we would not be fazed by flowers…we would still be pigs/monkeys…but we would not steal your vase…so there’s that.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Your story illustrates the reason I no longer go out of my way to do nice things for other people. Oh wait. I never did go out of my way to do nice things for other people.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Fascinating experiment. Public bathrooms are the worst. Sounds just like monkeys. I mean human behavior…sounds like humans. Now who stole the pretty flowers? It probably wouldn’t be hard to figure out and I’m sure you already have a suspect or two in mind.


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