I Always Deliver

I was sitting at home yesterday contemplating my empty fridge.

I needed to go to the supermarket but I was putting it off because it’s not my favorite thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, I love going shopping, and anything that involves food is a worthy endeavor. It’s just the people I don’t like; the ones that get in the way of accessing the food… 

… and the parking spaces, and the shopping carts, and the checkout line. 

And the roads getting there.

Along with world peace, this is what I was contemplating after looking at my empty fridge.

Then I remembered I could shop online and have my groceries delivered, and I uttered what I suspected was a huge sigh of relief. It may have been gas, not sure.

It was short-lived though, because nothing annoys me more than having to navigate online shopping… other than doing it in person, of course. It’s constant scrolling and scrolling and using the search bar, only to have it return a “can’t find that item” response. Sheesh, it would’ve taken me less time to actually go there and do it myself.

But then, you know… people.

So I sucked it up and logged onto my local Vons website. They have free delivery. At least, they did, but now they charge ten bucks, and I only found this out after I filled my cart and was ready to check out. 

Ten bucks? I only had two bags! I’m only one person, it’s not like I’m Catholic and have ten fucking kids to feed and I’m going to have twenty bags of groceries loaded onto the delivery truck. Come to think of it, all those people crowding the markets are probably the adult children of Catholics, which just goes to show you, there’s something to be said about abortion and birth control, am I right Pope Francis?! *snicker *snort *snort


Anyway, I’ve never been one of those people who needs to have a Costco membership so I can stock up on stuff ahead of time. I don’t feel the need to purchase a hundred roll package of toilet paper like the rest of these suburbanites who hoard shit because they believe the end of the world is coming. Listen people, if that’s the case, you got a lot more problems than running out of toilet paper.

You know what shopping is like for people like that? It’s like scoring a victory. I’ll bet they cream their pants when they get a hold of that giant package of toilet paper, especially during this pandemic bullshit. It probably feels like smoking crack to them; they get all tingly and euphoric… and greedy. Once they get it inside their house, they start caressing it and calling it “my precious”. They just one-upped their neighbor because Mr. and Mrs. Smith didn’t get the hundred roll package (probably because they were doing online shopping!) Back in the day, you got to gloat when you parked your new car in the driveway, now it’s about how much toilet paper you own.  

Got off topic there for a second… sorry, my precious.

Back to my groceries. Not only did Vons charge a delivery fee, they couldn’t deliver until six o’clock that night, and it was 10am and I had no food, so I said screw you Vons, you can suck it, and I logged out and went to Instacart because they deliver within two hours and their delivery fee was free, but only for that day. I guess they were doing some promotion.

But there’s always a catch. 

The delivery was free, but they added a two dollar “service fee”. Look, I know these giant corporations need to make a buck or two, so I’m not knocking that (yes I am), but don’t come at me with a promotion and then at the checkout, squeeze me for a couple more bucks, know what I mean? Plus they added an “option” to tip your delivery person, which was automatically pre-filled with two bucks. Presumptuous, no?

Tips, tips, tips, everybody wants a fucking tip these days. I’ll give you a tip: never ever… never ever… um…  

… hmm, I was trying to think of the stupidest thing I’ve ever done to use as a tip, but for the life of me, I can’t think of anything.

This Instacart thingy is interactive, too; the delivery person is in constant communication with you because the store may be out of an item you ordered and they need you to approve a replacement. It kind of defeats the purpose of choosing everything online, I mean, it was a hassle, I was getting notifications every couple minutes. I thought about subtracting a quarter from the delivery person’s tip every time she notified me they were out of something and I had to approve her replacement. 

Now before you all accuse me of being unreasonable, I kept the tip at two bucks and gave her two bucks in cash when she showed up with my groceries, okay? I realize it’s not her fault, she was just doing her job. It was fun thinking about it though, I got it down to a buck fifty!

I may be a realist, but I’m not cheap…

… and I always deliver.

Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

23 thoughts on “I Always Deliver

  1. When I’ve used Instacart for Publix shopping, I’ve noticed that they charge about 50 cents more per item that it actually sells for in the store. Plus there’s the service charge, delivery fee and tip. Sometimes it really is worth putting the bra on and going out.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m exhausted just reading that! And while I can understand the allure of someone else schlepping out in the cold and hauling my groceries around…. I still don’t want anyone choosing my meat or produce. I’m entirely too picky to be satisfied with a stranger’s idea of a good steak.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Because I work in residential care with vulnerable adults, we have been doing the house shopping via telephone as instructed from those above. One time, it took three days for our order to come! And they charge a £1.50 delivery fee! So, I feel your pain.


  4. I live in a small town and have been volunteering filling grocery orders since March for people that don’t want to get Covid and die. They can check a box if substitutions are okay, but once in a while I need to call one of them. Then usually they come and we bring it out to their car and put it in the trunk or wherever. There is delivery for those that need it and it is free. Tips are welcome, but not expected. I do this in the morning before they open to the public and then grab my own groceries and go. On the other hand it has barely been above 0 degrees Fahrenheit for the last week and no one wants to go out in that!


  5. When everything was locked down and Covid was new we used a couple of shopping programs, where they would have it ready for you at a certain time and you would pick it up with very little contact with anyone. The prices were a little more and as you found, the substitutions were a pain. We pay a price for convenience.


  6. Two weeks ago I was craving cake so bad and it was dark outside, and I didn’t want to put on real clothes. I downloaded Instacart and there was a promo because I have never done grocery delivery. It said they deliver in 2 hours. I pick out a delicious cake and the final screen says free delivery, but there was some other small fee. Then it said it was too late for delivery that day so it would have to be the following day! But I wanted cake right then! I gave up my quest and canceled my order. The next day I forgot to pick up the cake I still wanted when I was out and it was now evening once again. I went to instacart and the promo was only good for 12 hours. The delivery cost like $7! I decided not to pay that. Finally on the third day, I picked up a cake on my way home. I still haven’t done grocery delivery!


    1. That’s one of the hassles of grocery delivery services: either you can’t get it when you want it; it’s a two hour window, and they stop after a certain time. One could use Postmates I guess. But their fee makes it kind of unreasonable if you just want a cake. I guess you can’t have your cake and eat it too… hahaha!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ahahahaha! I guess I can’t have my cake and eat it to! You’re so right. 😂
        Yeah, the delivery fees for a $12 cake didn’t make sense! But one day I’ll probably get on the grocery delivery train too!

        Liked by 2 people

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