Clever Girl Writes...

...why we're absolutely swallowed up in phallic symbolism everywhere we turn!

Your kids will come looking for you when the terror of abandonment sets in after they haven’t seen you for two hours...

I am a feminist… chubby, even. But that doesn’t supersede reality based observations. I don’t know about your courthouses, but the ones here in California employ overweight ladies

Men my age look like shit. I don’t know if it’s because they’ve had it so fucking good for so long they don’t have to try...

So there I was, sitting in my car in the parking lot, shoving these goddamn Unicorn Oreos into my face...

When your vision board is completed, you get really excited because for a brief moment you actually believe your life will change by gluing pictures onto a board...

Yes, I did. Look, there was some alcohol involved and it was with a boyfriend, big fucking deal. Lots of people did it.

Don’t people understand that at my age the only thing I have going for me is carbs? I dream about carbs...

Look, it's a compulsion, the truth comes spilling out and I lose all sense of composure, it's like taking a few shots of Kamikazes.

There are plenty of assholes around this time of year. You can find them anywhere, but they mainly hang around malls and shopping centers...