I live in the suburbs about 35 miles northwest of Los Angeles. We’re not that hard to find, and if you happen to be a flat-earther it’s even easier: just head north on the 101 freeway and right before you drive off the face of the planet, take a hard right. I go to L.A. a lot, but I avoid certain parts, like Venice Beach, because I eat carbs, exceed the weight limit and am considered fat.
Okay, I’m not really fat, I’m chubby. I certainly don’t fit into the L.A. stereotype of a woman (or the entire North American continent’s stereotype of a woman): the type who exercises and starves herself to death just to fit into someone else’s ideal of what a woman’s body should look like.
Fat was in the cards for me. I was a fat kid, which was difficult because no one likes fat kids. I got fat-shamed by pretty much everyone: schoolmates, teachers, my parents, and especially the media.
School was difficult also. I hated it because it had nothing to offer me. Kids were mean, teachers were mean, what was the point? The only thing I was learning was to hate myself even more. I didn’t fit into the narrow mindedness of school administrators and teachers; I was a round peg and they were square, rigid, and tried to fit me into their square holes.
I ended up dropping out of high school. Yep, I’m a high school drop out. They really should change that phrase though, it makes it seem like I was the failure, when really, it was high school that failed me, so I left.
In elementary school, I did have this one teacher who, although wasn’t the nicest person, was really into books and reading, and I loved that because I did too; books were my escape. I was a voracious reader, I always had a book with me. I would hole up in my room, safely tucked away from all the heartbreak the world was offering me, my nose inches from the pages that were capturing my attention.
So this teacher would read to us every day for an hour after our lunch break, which was my absolute favorite part of the school day. I remember her reading us The Hobbit, which would not necessarily be one of my preferences, but she made it magical. Every day I looked forward to resting my head on my desk, closing my eyes, and listening to her bring Tolkien’s characters to life.
One day, she thought it would be a good idea to have her students learn speaking skills by reading aloud from a book in front of the class, like she did, which would be a good idea if you weren’t a fat introvert like I was. She brought in a big pile of books and told us she would go through a stack, call out the title of the book, and when you heard one you liked, to raise your hand and she’d hand you the book to read.
Well, the way my mind worked, there was always a delay in processing any information I would receive, so it would take me a moment to capture it, process it, and then respond. The teacher called out this one book that sounded really good to me, but because of my mind’s delay process, it took me a moment before I excitedly raised my hand.
By that point, she has already moved on to the next title, which ironically, was called The Fat Cat… and can you get where I’m going with this? As the title suddenly registered with me, the enthusiastic hand that was suspended above my head slowly sank, and any joy I had about the task completely drained out of me.
I sat there frozen.
My teacher, the one I counted on to guide and educate me, asked out loud, in front of the entire class, “Do you want to read The Fat Cat?” To say she was insensitive is like saying Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump have bad manners.
You could hear a pin drop. The entire class was staring at me, waiting in anticipation for my answer, because they knew my life at that moment was over, and they wanted to bear witness.
It was a lose-lose situation: If I said no, I was going to be humiliated because everyone was gonna know I didn’t want to read a book titled The Fat Cat… but if I said yes, I was going to be humiliated because I’d be reading from a book titled The Fat Cat.
See what I mean?
The pressure was building. I sat there contemplating my fate, and I could sense my teacher’s impatience, so I blurted out a shaky “Yes.” Then I had to get up in front of the entire class and read from this fucking book! I could’ve said no. I could’ve ran out of there crying, hopefully garnering some sympathy in the process, but I didn’t. I stood up, took the book from my teacher’s hand, and proceeded to read it out loud.
It was a kid’s book, sorta like Dr. Seuss, so every other sentence was talking about the goddamn Fat Cat. I must have said that phrase 20 times, and each time I said it, the class snickered and guffawed. To make matters worse, the boy I secretly had a crush on was sitting in the front row.
I was inadvertently fat-shaming myself.
It was one of the toughest days of the school year. But you know what? I finished the book, walked back to my desk with my head held high, pretending I wasn’t humiliated and that it didn’t hurt me to the core to have my fellow classmates laugh in my face, and took my seat with as much pride as I could muster.
I did it, and I survived, and I found out I had a propensity for public speaking. It made me a little stronger, and I believe I made a tiny dent that day, momentarily taking the shame out of the word fat. Not for them… not for my classmates or my teachers or my parents or anyone else that was cruel towards me… but for me. The kids could snicker and point and laugh at me, but they couldn’t take away my my resolve… my bravery and courage.
And to me, that lesson is more valuable than anything that comes out of a school book.
If you’re a man and you’re confused about us women and how and why we operate the way we do, I can totally understand because I do shit all the time that confuses me.
For instance, I was in the market yesterday during my lunch hour buying some items I didn’t need, to fulfill something that isn’t there. Along with those items, I bought a bag of pretzels, which I did need, because I had an upset stomach, and pretzels always ease my upset stomach.
But I was debating whether I should buy them or not because this particular market only had large bags of pretzels, not small bags, and they were almost four dollars… for fucking pretzels?! (is what I said to myself), so I almost didn’t get them. But I did.
After I ate a couple, I wished I hadn’t gotten them because they weren’t that good. You’d think you couldn’t screw up a pretzel, but you can. Anyway, as I got back to work, I remembered our office vending machine sells small bags of pretzels and I laughed about it because if I had just waited ‘til I got back to work, I could’ve saved a few bucks.
I forgot to bring some of those mediocre, expensive pretzels to work with me today, and I was craving some, so I went downstairs to the vending machine and bought a small bag.
It seems I have a problem remembering pretzels.
Anyway, what’s my point? Well, my point is… I was taking issue with how much the bag of pretzels cost at the market, but I didn’t hesitate to buy some from the vending machine, which are .85 cents for a very small bag, and I could buy two large bags of expensive pretzels for how much I spend weekly on the small ones from the vending machine. So I’m not only buying a large bag of pretzels I don’t even like, I’m spending extra money on the small bags at work; money I could use to just buy a large bag of pretzels I do like*
If you’re a man and you don’t follow, or are perplexed about my reasoning, I just want to say… I fucking get it. I get you, man.
*This may not be a gender issue. There may be plenty of men out there who would do the same pretzel thing I do, but I can’t be too sure.
But it doesn’t stop there. I bought some jam jars online because if you can fucking believe it, I’m making more fucking jam because my life sucks right now!!!*
ahem… I’m making more jam.
*Confused? Read my post from a couple weeks ago.
Yeah, I found this peach tree down the street from my work and this time, I wasn’t stealing the fruit. No, not at all… I was helping myself to the fruit because the branches of this fruit tree were hanging over the wall of the owner’s property and California law states that “Any fruit that is hanging over the wall or fence of the owner’s property is fair game for anyone to take”… or something like that (I’m paraphrasing), so that wouldn’t make me a thief, I’m a… I’m a…
Okay, okay, okay… I stole the fucking peaches!
I’m a fruit thief.
Say that five times quickly.
So I made some peach jam when a few weeks ago it was apricot jam. Where I am going with this anyway?
Oh, yes… I bought more jam jars online, which cost more than the ones I initially bought at the dollar store a few weeks ago. I hesitated buying all of the dollar store jam jars because I didn’t want to spend too much money, so when I made this second batch of fucking delicious homemade jam, I needed more jars, and by the time I went back to the dollar store to get them, they were all gone.
I could’ve saved time and money by just buying all the goddamn dollar store jam jars in the first place.
Now, one could argue that this is really a money issue, not a “you’reafuckingcrazylady” issue, but I can’t be too sure.
Want some jam?
Independence Day, a.k.a. Fourth of July.
I dunno know… I’m just not that into it; call me un-American. No really, call me un-American because I’m not a natural born citizen of this country, I was born in Italy. Not that I don’t love it here… sort of.
Listen, I’m not a fan of Italy’s politics either, but at least they’re honest about how corrupt they are. Plus, they elected a porn star to parliament in the eighties… how bad could it be?
So, a couple things:
The Declaration of Independence wasn’t actually signed until August 2, 1776. I have no idea why we celebrate our supposed independence on July 4th… and I don’t care.
Francis Scott Key wrote the Star Spangled Banner while sitting in Chesapeake Bay after the Brits bombed the shit out of Fort McHenry. When he awoke the next morning, he saw an American flag waving in the dawn and was inspired. He promptly pulled out an envelope and wrote the first initial verse. The poem later became a song, which ironically, is sung to the tune of a British drinking song. Remember that next time you’re singing it with your hand across your heart.
It’s interesting how few people refer to this day as Independence Day; we call it Fourth of July. Probably not a coincidence.
We don’t actually have independence, do we? I mean, we’re dependent on a lot of things. China, mainly. Maybe in a hundred years we’ll be signing a totally new Declaration of Independence. Unlikely though, since they supply the things we savagely consume, like smartphones and other electronics we can’t seem to disconnect from. Plus we owe them trillions of dollars.
We’re dependent on oil from the Middle East, too. But hey, wave that flag because it represents our “Independence”… from Britain… two hundred and forty-something years ago.
I suggest a revolution. I’d start one, but I’m too busy writing this.
I used to love watching the fireworks; that was the best part about Independence Day, but after 50 or so years of watching them, year after year after year after… you get the idea… they just don’t thrill me anymore. And how can they when Flint, Michigan still doesn’t have clean water after five years and we’re putting innocent children in cages at the border?
The only fireworks I wanna see are the ones going off in my head when I’m with the right guy doing the right things to make a bang, know what I mean?
At least I’m starting my day out with a bang… just had an earthquake while sitting here writing this.
It must be California’s way of saying “Happy Birthday America.”
I decided to sell my homemade apricot jam to my neighbors because I’m a great person.
I happen to make some fucking delicious jam. I’m not a homemaker type in the least; I really can’t stand living in the ‘burbs and talking about this kinda shit, but that’s my life at the moment until I can get a more reliable car and get back to chasing my dreams and being a menace on the highways of Southern California.
Anyway, I got these beautiful apricots from a neighbor down the street. She wasn’t really “down the street”, it was more like three blocks down and one block over… and she didn’t really “give” them to me… it was more like I did her a favor and took some off her hands because her giant apricot tree was overflowing with them and they were falling all over the ground, going to waste.
I always ask her first if I can have some and I intended to ask her this time too, but it was nine o’clock at night by the time I remembered to get some and I didn’t want to bother her.
Okay, okay, okay… I stole her fucking apricots.
So I made a big batch of delicious jam and put them in these jars that I decorated with an idea I got off Pinterest and Jesus Christ I sound so pathetic. This is not me, people… I don’t log onto Pinterest ever!
I have way too much time on my hands. See, the thing is, my car is not running well and I’m afraid to drive it too much and I’ve been looking for over two months for another car and I don’t want to get into detail about it… let’s just move on.
You know what? Thank God I am an apricot thief, otherwise my reputation would be fucked.
So I packed up these pretty little jars of jam in a cute basket like the friggin’ moron I’ve become and walked door to door in my neighborhood to sell them. You know, you can learn a lot about your neighbors when you’re trying to sell them something.
Like, for instance, the woman down the block: when I told her I was selling my delicious jam and would she like to buy a jar? she said “Maybe, how much is it?” and when I told her eight bucks, she acted like I was asking for a thousand. She said that was too expensive, even though she had two BMWs in the driveway of her huge house. Poor thing… couldn’t afford it.
Then there was the guy two doors down and across the street; he’s a builder, and right now, he’s adding onto his house and it’s a major project. It’s annoying as hell because of the noise, the trucks coming and going, and the general nuisance that goes along with building.
I used that to my advantage though… he knows he’s being a big pain in the ass so of course he would buy a jar, and he said apricot happened to be his favorite. Doesn’t matter if he hated apricot jam, he was gonna buy a fucking jar whether he liked it or not.
I sold a couple to his builders, too.
The mom of the nice family that lives next door to the builder has her dad visiting from Czechoslovakia and I can hardly believe I spelled that correctly, but anyway, he invited me in after saying the rest of the family wasn’t home.
He then proceeded to tell me in broken English how he escaped communist Czech during the Eighties. At least, I think that’s what he was telling me, I could barely understand him. After about fifteen minutes of listening to him talk, I knew exactly how it felt to want to escape.
The one neighbor at the end of the block, I didn’t even bother going to because it looked like no one was home. I noticed he had one of those statues of a footman on his walkway, you know the kind I’m talking about? They’re called lawn jockeys, and his was a black footman… so I knew right away he was a Southern white dude, and we all know the implications of that: he would never buy apricot jam, Southerners only eat peach jam. Plus, those accents make me want to plug my ears!
Whenever a neighbor said they didn’t have any cash, I told them I accept PayPal and Venmo because I’m persistent and persistence pays off. Plus, I wanted to sell the goddamn jam, which was getting really heavy.
The good news is I sold every last bit of it and let my neighbors know next month, it’ll be plum jam.
I’ll be sticking needles in my eyes if I’m still making jam next month.
I was watching some of America’s Got Talent yesterday.
I don’t have a television, got rid of it years ago, which was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, along with getting divorced, quitting smoking, and forming the letters F U C K in my mouth to make a special sound whenever the need calls for.
I was watching it on YouTube, which is great because you don’t get as many commercials and you don’t have to watch all the riffraff between acts. It’s the acts that I’m most interested in because they’re fascinating! They all have back stories that pull at your heartstrings, which is all part of how the show manipulates you.
So this one kid, about nine years old, comes out with a violin, and he’s understandably a little nervous. The panel of judges start asking a few questions and it turns out, he developed leukemia when he was four years old, and was bullied in school when he lost all his hair. He felt ostracized and took up the violin so he would be known as the boy who plays violin, not the boy who has cancer.
At this point, a large lump developed in my throat and I knew what was coming. So he starts playing his violin and he’s really good. Plus, he’s wearing these really cool shoes that lit up. After he finished, he got a standing ovation. When the crowd settled, the judges asked how he felt, and through tears, he said “I feel proud of myself”.
That was it, the fucking tears started flowing; I just lost it. Here I was, sitting on my bed, watching this show and blubbering like an idiot.
It’s totally relate-able. We’ve all been challenged, have overcome and have been left with a feeling of pride, and that’s what makes you cry, because we all know the feeling.
I watch the show solely for that reason; I know it will make me cry and laugh.
It’s completely contrived, as all “reality” shows are. They know who will be a contestant, what act they’ll do, and how the judges will vote, ahead of time. Everything else, is to elicit emotion from you so you’ll watch year after year and they’ll continue to get viewership, which in turn will get them advertisers so they’ll make millions of dollars. Plus, they’ll get to enslave the contestants with a binding contract to perform, making them even more money.
I know all this, yet I still get caught up in the thrill of it all. That’s the manipulation.
So I’m enabling this multi-million dollar show to enslave performers so I can be emotionally moved and entertained.
I’m a little embarrassed to tell you this, but I recently got scammed by a little old lady.
I felt like a complete sucker, and who wouldn’t?! I mean, no one is prepared to be scammed by a little old lady. You’d expect it from a lawyer, or financial planner, or a car salesman, a college exams administrator, an insurance company, a government, a president, a dictator (same thing)… but never a little old lady!
You know, I’m a really well adjusted human being, and a total sweetheart, which you can probably tell from reading my blog, so when a little old lady asks me for a favor, I’m ready to oblige, which is what happened last week while standing in a long line at the supermarket. This little old lady standing behind me asked if she could go ahead of me. This was after she struck up a conversation; she was quite the character.
Okay, looking back, I can clearly see she was a friggin’ nut job, but at that moment, she was just a good conversationalist; she did most of the talking. In fact, she wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Just as I was about to get to the cash register, she asked if she could go ahead of me, so seeing as how she only had two items and I had several, I told her to go ahead.
Turns out, just because someone only has one or two items, doesn’t mean they’re going to take less time.
She was able to flimflam me; she charmed me with her chattiness, then slid in front of me where she began to create all kinds of drama and stalling and holding everybody up in line behind her.
First, she asked for cigarettes, which are kept locked up in the front of the store, so the manager has to come with the key to open the cabinet to get them. Then she started in on the price, saying she wanted to have a clerk double check it. But when he verified it was correct, she started loudly arguing with the clerk about it and wouldn’t back down, so now all of us are stuck behind this cigarette-smoking troll, disguised as a little old lady, and were forced to wait while she created this unnecessary drama.
Not once did she look over to me and apologize for causing this inconvenience after I was kind enough to let her go ahead of me, because it was her plan all along. She’s the type of person whose only goal in life is to cause conflict and suck other people into it with her so everybody’s miserable.
You know the type.
I got pissed off that I fell for it, and I promised myself I’d never fall for it again.
Well I got tested on that promise yesterday while at another supermarket. I was just about to have my groceries checked out by the clerk, when a little old lady with three items asked if she could go ahead of me.
I almost… almost… let her go, but remembered the little old lady flimflam from last time and quickly shut her down:
“Not if you’re going to write a check.” I snapped.
Clearly, she was going to write a goddamn check. I get steamed every time some idiot pulls out a check book at the register. Really? You can’t use a fucking debit card like ninety nine percent of the population? Or… well it used to be ninety nine percent of the population until the ability to scan a payment from your smartphone was invented. I’m not sure what the percentage would be now and… hmm, well I can’t be bothered to research it.
It doesn’t matter, the point is… the point is…
What? How do I know she was gonna write a check? Well she looked like the type who would write a check. Plus, she gave me this look which I can only describe as getting busted… or maybe it was exasperation… whatever, it wasn’t my fucking problem. I quickly checked out and left, not looking back. I’m never letting a little old lady in front of me again, I’ll tell you that much.
You know, I just realized, no matter how much Botox I get injected into my forehead, it’s never enough to hide the disgust on my face.
Searching for the perfect used vehicle? Frustrated dealing with the scum of the earth on Craigslist?
Look no further! I have the perfect car for you!
This car has everything: check engine light, visible damage, high pitched noise while running… she’s got it all!
You say you want:
High miles? Check
Torn leather driver’s seat? Check
Non-existent air conditioning? Check
Useless sunroof? Check
This hot mess has been waiting for Y OH U.
Why am I selling such a blessing, such a hot hunk of metal, you ask? I couldn’t take care of her the way she wanted, the way she needed… because honestly, I never liked her.
She was thrust upon me by a self-absorbed ex-boyfriend who, besides being an idiot that didn’t know how to inspect a used car, wanted me to be seen as a tame suburban housewife, but I couldn’t abide. I’m an out of control, hot, sexy MILF (Mother I’d Like to Feed). Sure, I’m chubby and I don’t have kids, but don’t judge me… a girl needs butter and chocolate and to be free of commitments.
I never wanted to drive a Volvo… a name that closely resembled parts of a woman’s vagina… that’s not sexy. What’s sexy is having a car that’s reliable but doesn’t say “I’m boring and a moron.” But hey, that’s just me, don’t let that stop you from driving it.
If all this hasn’t yet tempted you yet, check out these features:
Brand new tires, sorta.
New oil pan (whatever the fuck that is).
New car smell – if the new car was fourteen years old.
I haven’t farted in it in at least a week because I stopped being a fuckin’ vegan.
Whatever is stuck between the seats and the console is your to keep!
This car will give you hours and hours of asking yourself why you bought it, only to be reminded that it’s a status symbol of true suburban mediocrity.
But wait, there’s more! If you buy it in the next 10 minutes, I’ll throw in The Club (remember those useless pieces crap?) It’s an Eighties icon, you’ll be the talk of the town!
Call now before it’s gone: 1-800-I’m a lonely piece of shit.
I swear, I’ve never wished death upon someone before… so soon after the last time.
You guys know how kind and compassionate I normally am, but what’s been happening recently… well, it’s just put me over the edge, and now I’m hoping someone dies.
I don’t normally hate on people. Sure I get frustrated and want them to suffer, but hate? That’s a strong word. So when I say I hate my fucking neighbors, I don’t really mean it. I’m just thoroughly disgusted with them, they make me sick, and I wish they’d fuck off and die. But I don’t hate them.
My previous neighbor was the best neighbor in the whole world (after me). She was an older, single lady; a retired teacher. She was quiet, respectful and we never heard each other. But two years ago she put her house up for sale and a dark foreboding washed over me. I knew the good times were over.
I started praying to Jesus: “Jesus, please, for fuck’s sake, please, please, please do not let assholes buy that house!” But I guess ‘ol JC was occupied that month because it fell on deaf ears. Listen, I know there’s a lot of shit going in the world right now, but I rarely ask him for anything except for the occasional “come into a bunch of money”. There’s nothing more important to me than my sanity and a big, fat bank account.
Well… a family moved in shortly after the house went up for sale. A family consisting of FOUR BOYS AND TWO FUCKING PARENTS!!
I cried, I screamed, I begged to know WHY this had to happen to ME, but there was no answer. I came to a solemn resignation. Then things became apparent very quickly, like the fact that this family is loud and obnoxious.
Did I mention they have a pool? I didn’t even know this until they moved in and started… started… splashing!
Turns out, the boys aren’t bad… not bad at all. In fact, they’re really quite well behaved and that’s because their parents rule them with an iron fist. They frequently berate, yell, taunt, and antagonize these poor kids. I feel really badly for them.
I feel more badly for me though.
I live in a lovely little detached guest house that sits back off the front of the property, so it wasn’t lined up with the surrounding houses.
Did I mention they decided to build an addition onto their already large house that runs the length of my beautiful little guest house and patio and ends… right… at… my… fucking… front… door? All the bedrooms are contained in this addition and their windows face my patio and the fence barely separates us from each other, so now it’s just like living in an apartment again.
Did I mention the dad cut down this beautiful tree that I would admire from my kitchen window? Every winter it would sprout bright red berries that the squirrels, rabbits and birds would eat, and every spring, it would burst into beautiful white flowers.
He was wielding a chainsaw and wearing orange safety goggles and hard hat as he cut it down with impunity. He looked like an evil character from a Stephen King novel… the goddamn ass wipe!
Who in the hot hell wears orange safety goggles?!
He stood high up on a ladder and I kept praying he would lean over too far lose his balance and fall off the ladder cutting his legs off with the chainsaw in the process then break his back upon landing on the hard ground rendering him unable to work so they wouldn’t be able to make their house payment and it would go into foreclosure then he would die of complications and the mom and kids would have to move and a friendly quiet older couple would move in and this is my dream.
Did I mention I bought corn the other day? Yeah, three ears of genetically modified corn. You may think this is a total non-sequitur but it’s directly related because normally, I would never buy something like that, which just goes to show how much this bastard family is affecting my life.
And I didn’t use punctuation in that paragraph about the death scene!
Can somebody help me?
Your life can either be chicken shit, or chicken salad. Choose wisely.
Do not give that which is holy to the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you – Matthew 7:6
Aaaand… maybe don’t eat bacon (or meat) anymore either. It’ll make the animals happy and you’ll be healthier.
Have reverence for all life (see above).
If you have no one to fuck you, go fuck yourself (see above).
Carbs are not the enemy, objectification of women by society is.
Chocolate. Chocolate is the answer, who cares what the question is?
Sitting in front of a keyboard is the WRONG PLACE TO BE CAFFEINATED!!!
The pharmaceutical industry is lying to you.
You’re lying to yourself.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved that fuckin’ pizza to death.
Complaining… about anything… is an advertisement for stupidity (thank you Madonna for this one).
Be your own best friend and your own best self. You are one-of-a-kind, you fucking freak.
If you feel you have to prove your worth to someone, you’ve already given it away.
Get everything in life, don’t let anything get you.
The three most important things in life are truth, beauty, and justice. Or maybe it’s sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll, I can’t remember.
And most importantly…
Chase that dream of yours, the one you only allow yourself to briefly think about as you lie in bed, dreading another day while feeling bewildered at where you are in life.
If you don’t take the risk, you’ll be filled with sadness and regret at death’s door, not a good way to enter the afterlife. It doesn’t matter where you are in your life; how old you are, how fat or thin you are, how broke or rich you are, where you live, what car you drive, or how many mistakes you’ve made.
It doesn’t matter that you’re not perfect, you’re alone and you don’t have love in your life. It doesn’t matter how much you’ll be judged by family, friends, neighbors and strangers. They’re already judging you.
It doesn’t matter that you don’t have the money/talent/knowledge/direction. You won’t gain any of those things if you do nothing.
The only thing that matters is making yourself happy. Start now. Go after it and don’t stop until you’re dead. You have this ONE life, and this one ONLY. It is not a dress rehearsal, it is not preparation for a second chance… there ARE NO SECOND CHANCES. This is it, baby.
The only thing you have to lose is nothing.